A List

Happy things that happened today:

• Had a cuddle with Bert and Ernie
• Went out into the world feeling brave and positive
• Laughed
• Met Jack, the cutest ever spaniel puppy with one little white sock and a brown little nose
• Helped a friend to smile
• Made my hair nice and shiny and red with some home hair dye
• Got some coffee to refill my coffee jar with
• Had my dinner cooked by my mum
• Got a message from my Soul Sista Miss EriCaCa who I have missed lots
• Drove fast in my car and sang really loudly to the radio, which was talking to me but in a nice way
• Came Home to my pyjamas and slippers and dressing gown and kittens, and didnt find any poop in any inappropriate places

Oh and only had 2 cigarettes today, decided to try and give up. Replacing cigarettes with sherbert lemons. Is it better to have no teeth from too many sherbert lemons, or no lungs from too many cigarettes?

Only problem is that smoking is my grounding thing, the thing that brings me into the moment and makes me realise that Im breathing in and out and Im real and Im having a cigarette. Will have to find a new thing to be my clearing my head thing. Screaming is good, as I posted before, but unfortunately not as discrete as having a fag. Probably too impractical.

Never planned to use smoking as a tool to help me breathe, thats ironic and silly. Also ironic is that I only started smoking when I was in hospital. Mostly because any thing that I could previously use to try and kill myself had been removed, so figured I would kill myself slowly by means of nicotene. Also because everyone else smoked and there wasnt much else to do, and I wanted to fit in.

Now I have other things to do and I dont want to try and die a slow and painful death, so, Im gonna try the sherbert lemons method, which is not a well known approach to giving up smoking, because, to be honest I have just made it up.

Although it does seem a shame that I have a really big lighter on my window sill and nothing to light with it. 

Maybe I'll get some sparklers or something so that it doesn't go to waste.