Philosophy on a Monday

This morning so far has been pretty darn good, i got up and had cornflakes and a coffee like you should. And I went to take Darcy the dog for a walk, got out in the sun, its a beautiful day, lovely and sunny and warm on my skin, feeling the breeze in my hair and wearing a grin inside.  

And i thought to myself that i couldnt remember the last time i stepped out in the sun, or had some fun and enjoyed the day, to be honest the days have been slipping away. But not anymore, Im up and Im ready...I can feel the sunshine and fire in my belly. No more sitting round staring blankly at the telly...starting to turn my life around and not be such a nelly.

I wonder where the summer went, was it hot or not? i dont know how its nearly october and ive spent almost an entire year, just basically wishing I wasnt here, and sleeping a lot, and waiting around for my insides to rot. But this is not the life i had longed for, and i'm feeling stonger so Im starting my year today...better late than never they say. And no time like the present, which is a gift, and yesterday is history tomorrow is a mystery and blah de blah etc.

So guess what i managed to get to library, im typing this here with some people beside me.
And Im sorry to say that i didnt make it here on saturday, despite my efforts and determination. It just felt like a bit too much and i pushed myself but i couldnt get up....but who really cares because although i failed the other day, i didnt really fail because I made it today, Im here now innit...
not worrying about life and starting to live it.

We have little desks that make me feel important, and the computer is sooo much quicker than mine, and things are going slicker as there's no cats to leap about the place and lick my face and sit on the mouse, and shit round the house and meow at me and hack thier claws into my knee.... so i can actually see the screen and i can write at lightning speed, or i could if I was better at typing and the hype in my head was better at writing.

But anyway, im glad that I got out today and had the strength to start the day. I'm a little bit scared that this feeling will go, as I start to feel happy then once again get filled with sorrow and i cant take that anymore. no more crying on the floor, i got to keep it together.
And writing my blog in the library is cool, and i dont know whether I can keep this up but im hoping so, so wish me luck.

Feeling lighter like a feather, i hope i can keep strong whatever because I dont want to be ill, i want to be well. And I'm doing it myself and life feels so much better, and Ive written an important letter to the person i dont want to be, and I must remember that who I am today, is me. Because sometimes I lose myself you see.

But Im hoping things will stay this way, that i can live to face another day. And I don't even feel the need to pray anymore, and tell god hes a knob and ask him what hes ignoring me for, as i didnt get many answers before. And not that it matters but i personally believe, that theres no such thing as god, or adam and eve...no mighty force to give you what your need, or heavenly power who is gonna make it ok...this lifes down to you and you do it your way.

And I would say Im just a spiritualist, not a Christian or Atheist or Buddhist or muslim chick, but no offence to anyone who might believe in this. But if i was going to pick a way of life, i like the way that Buddha is. Happy and nice and leads a good life, doesnt tell lies, is very wise, and clearly doesnt worry about eating too many pies. I'd like to be more like that.

I'm finding my way by finding myself, and putting sadness and emptiness back on the shelf. Saying hello to my new mental health, And good bye to the girl who had lost herself.

Positive and head screwed on and thinking much more straight, i think ive turned a corner and opened a brand new gate to a brand new me where i am starting to feel more free. And the thing that is helping me the lost is just reminding myself from time to time, that right now in this moment, this life is actually mine.

And that not everything has to rhyme.

Anyway so thats enough positivity for one day, now my timer on the computer is running out so I will have to go and get back to my kitties, though I might go into town if Im feeling brave enough to be seen in public. And i will try to remember to hold my head high and not look at the ground, and try to ignore it if my head gets too loud. I am going to act like a normal human being, and acting like a person who acts like this could actually be quite freeing.