Braveness

I feel a little like a weight has been lifted. I was brave and shared a weeny bit of my messiness in Art Therapy.

Lesley listened to me, and I thought she would maybe want to shake me or something or not want to be contaminated by my evilness. But she just listened, and she didnt judge me. She didnt even get a bit cross with me. She didnt tell me I was bad or mad or beyond help, even though for all i know she may be thinking it, (and Im very very paranoid), but she didnt let on. She didnt seem completely repulsed by me.

I wore something other than joggers and a hoody, and I tried to make myself look a little bit alive with some mascara and a hairband. I might have even acted like a mature, 20 year old woman. I tried very hard to hold it together. I only cried a little bit afterwards, in private. Mostly out of frustration I think, and a bit of shame and embarassment and remorse, and mostly out of general ARRRRGHHHHHHHness. And because the head inside my head was making me feel crap, and another bit of me felt really scared. Only cried for like 3 minutes though, and then I was totally cool.

Found a penny picked it up now all day I'll have good luck.

Im home now, and I need a cup of tea, because I didnt get to drink all mine in Art Therapy and then I couldnt bear to sit in the waiting room and drink it, where people might actually SEE me, which would be awful for them, or even worse, try to talk to me, which would be a compleeete nightmare.

I also need a cigarette. But I am telling myself  that I dont really. I just think I do.
This is a complete lie ofcourse as I do need a cigarette and will probably die without one, but Paul McKenna said this method of thinking will help. What a knob.

Today I was brave and I tried my very best, and I spose thats all you can do :)