brain

My head is doing my head in!

My thoughts go so fast so quick, just chaos and memories and images and voices and sounds and thoughts and hurts and doubts and happiness and hope and anxieties and fears and the past and the present and the here and now. I'm thinking so fast but I'm not thinking straight at all.

And then it all slows down and all I feel is suicidal and it's crippling. when i feel like this there is nothing else i can focus on but wishing i did not exist. a wish so strong its in the pit of my stomach and gets bigger and bigger until there is nothing i can do but to bury my head and fantasise about it, give up on life. Often plan it. Occassionally try it. (its never worked...much to my disappointment. A months worth of serious meds, 2 packs of paracetomol, washed down with alcohol on an empty stomach...and waking up in hospital 2 days later and paranoid as fuck....i was not pleased)...

i cycle between crippling anxiety, a little bit of hope and excitement again, then feeling suicidal. it can happen really quickly. or i can be depressed for months. the worst part is that there's never a relief. even in the happy moments, im afraid of when it will end. I can wake up the next day and feel as if my world is crumbling again.

I've been acting really stupidly, doing things i later regret...and I feel I cant tell anyone about these things because I know that I was stupid for doing them, and to them I would just be going round and round in circles.

you know - i really want to be somebody. i want to make something of myself. But I feel like I cant complete anything. My college work is failing, and I don't even know if the course is what I want to be doing anyway. I get these bursts of motivation, or bursts of being too excited about something else to care. Or everything deflates and i just stop caring at all, about anything.

sometimes i want to peel open my head and scrub clean every little squiggle of my stupid brain. Its really such a mess sometimes.