Crazy

I went an seen the doctor and told him that I do not need any more treatment for my mental health thank you very much, I am quite normal (if a little confused), do not need counselling (i can talk to myself) and do not need to be medicated (since the long list of sleeping tablets/antisphyscotics/betablockers/antidepressants/mood stabilisers over the last 2 nearly 3 years have achieved nothing but end me up in hospital, made me lose/gain weight about 3 stone each way and making me feel more like complete psycho andnact like a zombie more than anything remotely human.) I also told him that my anxiety and paranoia is a bit out of control, Thanks to the annoying voice in my head "ugly twatface" and its ok if I feel depressed because if I want to kill myself then that is up to me.

He said "hmmmm" and then said that treatment is probably necessary anyway.

He was scrolling through my notes on his annoying clicky computer and scratching his head. He hovered his stupid mouse over the letters BPD, and asked how i was getting on with my borderline characteristics? I said i thought I was having help for being a bit unstable in the mood department and having anxiety that makes me all nervy... No-one mentioned this chronic BPD situation (I mean im just the patient what do i know???). He said its been on my notes for ages....apparantly i have some personality disease.

Its nice to be told these things.
Whats so bad about my personality that makes mine into a disorder and not yours? And borderline between what and what exactly? Normal and not normal, Bonkers and completely bonkers, or pyschotic and dangerous?

So im not pleased at the prospect of being a borderline personality nut case but I suppose it could be a step in the right direction. I'm so fed up with being relatively normal, to feeling suicidal, to feeling like I'm sort of invincible. I am one extreme to the other. So maybe it can be treated. As much as i hate to admit it, i have come back and read up on this diagnosis and it seems to fit the bill. I am the text book borderline. It really annoys me when other people are right. God.

I dont want to need any help.

But I don't want to feel sad a lot either. ----understatement.

I look back at things I've done and thought and ways I've acted. I'm embarrassed by it and regret a lot of things. I regret not being there for my friends, and them being there for me. My family too. I feel like I've missed out and acted as if I don't care.
I regret not finishing my A levels, losing my ambitions. I used to have a lot.
I regret forgetting who I used to be...that's happy-go-lucky, free, not perfect but not hating myself for it.
I'm embarassed about believing in something, a god that never helped me one little bit. That actually i was much happier without.

And I tell myself I shouldn't have regrets.

I try not to live in the past, I take each day as it comes. Each day I wake up feeling ready to face the day is a step in the right direction. Honestly, if it hadn't been for my friends (still can't fathom why they put up with me), I would have certainly given up long ago. Because each day is like venturing into the unknown. But seriously, it's hard. Some days I can't keep up with my thoughts. Some days I'm really angry but I'm too afraid to express it and I feel as if I might explode. Other days I just don't care. At all.

At the same time, I don't want a diagnosis. Ive been trying to run away from the mental health system for a while...just because I want to be me. I'm not mad or anything. Just a but confused sometimes. But the more I tell them I don't need help, the more they are convinced that I'm losing the plot.

I've realised that I am the only person who can change me. Even if I can't change how I feel, I can be in control of what I do with those feelings. No-one is ever going to fix me, but me !

And I'm up for the challenge. Life could be fun.

crazy times