Sane but Overwhelmed

Finally got a few hours sleep. Woke up at 9, tried to move. Had to get up for yoga. Body aches in the morning, heavy like a ton of bricks. Try to wiggle my toes and fingers. Try to sit up. Think about the easiest way to get out of bed. Slide, twist, or roll? Have a cuddle with Bert and Ernie.

Gina called. Yoga is cancelled. Relief.

Should get up. Mind over matter. Here I go. Stretch body. Deep breaths. Slide. Feet on floor. Push up with arms. I’m up. Dizzy.

Sit down again.

Got Jayne coming round later.

Get up again.

Right, up. I need coffee.

Kitchen. Kettle. Boil kettle. Realise kettle is empty. Refill kettle and boil again.

Need a mug. Pile of washing up to do. No clean mugs. Fill sink with water and magic fairy liquid. Hold hand under hot tap. Focus.

Rinse one cup. Put a tea bag in and get the cheese out the fridge. Put the cheese back in the fridge, take out the milk, swap the teabag for a spoon of coffee. Boil kettle. Realise this is the third time I have boiled the kettle. Tap the melody of my head on side of mug with teaspoon. Pour coffee. Stir 15 times. Tap spoon 3 times. Stir another 5 times.

Feed kittens.

Fag.

Shower. Wash hair. Mentally remind myself how to wash properly. Can’t look down. Don’t want to look at that body attached to my head. Flannel, yummy smelly coconut scrub, wash . Did miss anything? I don’t feel clean.

Get out shower.

Realise have not washed shampoo out of hair. Get back into shower. Rinse hair. Wash underarms again, just to make sure.

Get out shower. Sit on bed.

Get paranoid that someone is spying on me through the window, even though I have net curtains, am on the third floor and my window overlooks a wall and a bit of grass. But I can hear a lawn mower at the distance and if the lawner mower man happens to be at the exact right angle, looking up with a pair of binoculars, it is very likely that I could be seen.

Close curtains.

Bert climbs up curtain and swings on it like Tarzan, and entire curtail pole falls down.

Try to put it back up, cant reach. Too tired.

Get dressed. Joggers and a tshirt fresh from my screwed up clean washing pile. Ohhh I ache! Look at self in mirror. Give myself evils.

Put dressing gown on over clothes. Consider brushing teeth but decide this is too much effort. Stroke bert and ernie with my hairbrush, seeing as I don’t use it.

Too hard to write. Eyes cant stay open. Need some upbeat music, cant be too loud. Must concentrate and write. Must keep going. Told myself I would do this. Have to achieve something.

Coffee and a cigarette and alanis morisette, One hand in my pocket. My ‘snap out of it, stop worrying and pick me up’ song.

I'm broke, but I'm happy.
I'm poor, but I'm kind.
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah.
I'm high but I'm grounded.
I'm sane, but I'm overwhelmed…
I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby.

What it all comes down to,
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket,
And the other one is giving a high five.
I feel drunk but I'm sober.
I'm young, and I'm underpaid.
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah.
I care but I'm restless,
I'm here but I'm really gone,
I'm wrong, and I'm sorry, baby.

What it all comes down to,
Is that everything, it’s gonna be quite alright…
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket,
And the other one is flicking a cigarette.
And, what it all comes down to,
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet.
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign.
I'm free but I'm focused,
I'm green but I'm wise.
I'm hard, but I'm friendly baby.
I'm sad, but I'm laughing.
I'm brave but I'm chicken shit!
I'm sick… but I'm pretty baby.

And what it all boils down to,
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet.
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket,
And the other one is playing the piano.
And what it all comes down to, my friends,
Is that everything is just fine, fine, fine.
’Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab

Call Nanny and wish her Happy Birthday. Feel guilty that have not been to see her in so long. Wash up washing up in sink, even though water is now cold and fairy bubbles have debubbled. Jayne called, she is not coming now.  Wonder if I am the only patient who she often cancels on and if it is personal to me, or if there are lots of people who were expecting a visitor today and now wont get one. But I will cope, I’m doing ok and have calmed myself down after the embarrassing spaz attack psycho incident last Friday. Mostly thanks to Diazepam. But still am going mad.

Remember I should eat something. Can’t be bothered to cook, I’m too faffy at the moment. Grab a bag of crisps. Chewing makes my jaw ache. Too tired to eat.

Ernie keeps drinking my diet coke. Diet Coke and Coffee, my staple diet.

Vaguely watching Loose Women. Consider whether I would make a good Loose Woman. Think I would if I wasn’t so nervous, sensitive, manic, over emothional, unreliable, oblivious to whats going on around me, over analytical, scruffy, easily confused and sometimes unable to stay awake. Think I’d make a good Loose Woman actually.

Done some typing at the computer. Yay me. Drinking diet coke whilst typing exactly what I am doing, in order to distract me from what I actually might be thinking about. Just gotta keep busy. Type type type.

Ernie keeps drinking my diet coke. This is probably not good for him but, being his mummy, I don’t like to deprive him of something he enjoys.