Art Therapy is Hard

Today I have felt a mixture of emotions. Here is a brief example:

Unbalanced when I woke up this morning and couldnt remember who I was
Panic that maybe I will never know
Hysteria at the thought of always feeling this bad, unable to cope with the mess inside
Determination that I can keep going and will be ok

Anxiety upon leaving the flat
Angst in my mind and my heart and my stomach, tying itself in knots
Paranoia that People are looking at me, judging me, hating me
Fear that they might see me for what i really am
Frustration that everything is so God Damn Hard
Apathy, exhaustion, mentally and physically. A brief moment of wanting to give up.
Delirium, when my thoughts and my my brain and my words and my actions all completely contradict each other, and the noise in my head makes me dizzy like a whirlwind
IMPULSE when I just can't keep it in anymore, and it all comes spilling out
Embarrassment for being me, for how I am
Guilt that I cannot control it
Empathy for how my actions affect other people
Regret about things I have done and said, wish I could turn back the clock
Grief at what has been lost
Detatched from who I used to be, and who I am right now. Just Watching life pass me by and powerless to stop it.
Numb.
Sad for the girl who used to love life and had hopes and dreams
Remorse that she let them be stolen
Shame that she couldnt be stronger
Shock that this girl is me.
Shyness when letting myself be seen or heard
Weakness in my chest and in my knees
Worry about where to go from here

Unreal.
Too real.
Hope that she will be able to break through this
Desire to change and be free
Positivity that it can and will happen
Gratitude for some honesty and a listening ear
Calmness for a moment
Focused in my mind, ready to pull myself together

Thats quite a lot to feel in one day, actually.

Its no wonder Im exhausted at the end of each day. I have an overactive mind, or a very sensitive soul.

I hate to think that this makes me egotistical. Or though I dont know if I am because I hate myself most of the time, but i have this messed up ego eagel thats all messed up in my head. A lost identity.

 I dont like selfishness, I want more than anything to not feel like this and to be thinking more clearly, and rationally, and to feel things less deeply. That is selfish. But I care a lot about other people. I want to get OUT of my HEAD and into Real Life, so that I can start being that person who can care for other people and be a good friend and make life more positive.

Its hard when there's all that noise and ache going on inside. But I have discovered something today, and Im going to try something.

I have reasoned that it is ok to feel all of these things (although a little less variety and to a lesser extremity would be nice)...What is not ok, is my inability to cope with them.

This is something I am going to work on.

Turns out therapy is hard...Contrary to what I said on a previous post, that Art Therapy is an enjoyable paint and chat session. (I thought the Therapy part was that it is therepeutic to sit and paint, and was hoping that this will make me feel better eventually).

Well its not like that. Turns out it is Actual Psycho-Letting-It-All-Hang-Out-Untangling-Your-Brain-And-Tidying-It-Up-With-A-Tough-Love-Approach-Therapy. That's psychotherapy, for short.

I was a bit of a bimbling mess this morning, and I got anxious, and then sad, and then nervous.

Art Therapy felt a bit like a slap in the face, a reality check.

I found some things about myself I dont like very much at all.

But this is a good thing. I needed it. Because I have realised something....

If I want the Life I know I want (To be myself, to be able to cope with daily things, learn, travel, live, to hold down a job...have good friends and be a good friend, build a family,  be content, have a purpose, help someone else....) I need to believe that I can get there. And I need to Change.

The way my mind works is all screwed up....

So Ive started unscrewing it.

I am nervous, I am worried it could be messy.

But I want to unscrew it and put it back together in a more organized way.

Like the mind of a normal, functioning civillian.

I really gotta get my shit together.

I am going to try my absolute hardest to get well. Im going to push myself. I do not like parts of me much at all, and Im missing out on a life that could be fun and worth living. I will not be tempted by Safe Cat-Ladyness. And when a problem arises, as they often do in my head, I am going to approach it in a mature, balanced, adult manner. Not get tied in knots and feel utter despair, and cry uncontrollably, like a powerless little girl. 

The scary part is, I dont always feel like I have much control over her.

It feels more like she controls me.

Even When my adult head is screaming at her to disappear, She hovers.

There are so many things I want to do, and I know how I want to be

I want to be a good person and have something to offer the world and to live a life of purpose. The last few years have been like just holding on, not quite coping, bearing up, plodding on, Trying, Surviving, merely existing. 

Not because I havent wanted to get well. I have. Its just that with every ounce of my energy and will power and determination, this has been as much as I can manage. I haven't got much better. Worse, if anything. I feel more and more desperate, and less and less hopeful, each time Im doing well and starting to feel good and then suddenly the world around me crashes. Or sometimes descends gradually like a foggy black cloud. I take one step forward and 2 steps back. I am exhausted. I am impatient. I am not getting anywhere.

Therapy is not going to fix me. It is going to help me.

I am going to fix myself. I don't want to exist anymore, I actually want to live!

And this realisation is really frightening to me

But, This is something I have discovered today. 

I really want to change.

Thank You, Lesley-Anne Moore.
I am scared!

Starting my life tomorrow. eeeeek.