Tuesday Morning

Woke up to the razor sharp bite of Bert lovingly chewing my toes.
Have messages on my phone.
Gina my support lady is coming round shortly. panicking. should i get dressed? do i need to tidy up? what am I going to say?

See, here`s the thing. i am totally fine when its just me and the boys, at home, door locked, a bit of this and that. Minus the M.E, which i`ll tallk about another time when i can be bothered, i can function pretty well with a relatively sunny outlook on things.

It`s only when i have to go out, talk to people, make conversation, be seen in public, have to communicate, that i really really struggle.

The frustrating thing is, i could just chill out and accept that i am an agoraphobic, highly paranoid, slightly barmy cat lady. i could quite happily sit under my blanket, drink tea, do some knitting and have afternoon naps. Why do we need to be in touch with reality if we`re happier in our own little worlds? and who gets to say what is normal and what is not? am content feeling safe in my home.

But i can`t just let myself be like this. I know deep down, that for me, this isnt normaal. this is not what i wanted out of life. Because i know that i never used to be like this. when i am well, i love life, exploring, going out, socialising.I wnt to live. I want to len and try things. I don want to sit at home and stare at the wall.

So i need to remember how to be me again.. it would be so easy to just lay down and accept that life is easier this way, hiden. but i dont want to get to the end of my life and realise i hve just wasted it, doing nothing. being nobody.

i want to be somebody!

so i`m going to get up, get dressed, go out today, like a normal, functioning, 20 year old young lady.

Maybe after Gina`s come though. she`ll be here in 10 minutes and we all know it takes me about an hour to actually move and dress myself.

Bert has just demolished a mini fluffy pink pom pom for the second day in a row. was part of my extra soft fleecy dressing gown that says `cheeky monkey` on it. Didnt really like those pom pom bits anyway. Not much of a fluffy pink firl to be honest. Strands of pink fluff everywhere though. could get the hoover out now, but think I`ll just wait til he`s demolished my slippers as well and then vaccuum; kill two birds with one stone, as they say. its a silly saying really, as I`ve never killed a bird. or thrown a stone at a bird, let alone two. i dont think of this as a very nice thing to do.
i used to be vegetarian, for about 5 years. but now i eat chicken, and bacon and sometimes sausages and ham. i dont know why this is relevant, apart from to say that i don`t generally agree with the uneccessary killing of animals, unless they are a ginormous spider which deserve to die a horrible death. but on the whole, i would describe myself as an aminal lover. sometimes i still pretened i am vegetarian, just because i think it makes me sound a bit cooler. But between you and me, you cant beat a bacon sandwhich with a bit of ketchup on a Sunday morning.

Today is Tuesday morning. I am going to stop typing now and sort my life out.