Recovery

Type type type. A visual narration of voice in my head, that chatters away. This voice. Saying in my head exactly what you are reading. Currently, the narration of every move I make and thought in my head. LOUD. My body and my mouth and my Me-ness don't always act in unision with this noise in my head.This is reeeeally annoying...

To give you a relatively basic example, I may catch myself doing stange things, such as trying to smoke my coffee and drink my cigarette, having lit it back to front, and wondering why i have a cup of coffee when I went to the fridge for a nice cold drink.

As you can see, this can make day-to-day living sometimes tricky. Things just take sooooo bloody long!! I am finding it very hard to make decisions. I make a decision and then do the oppposite.

Right now though, in this moment, i am cool as a cucumber. This is a rare moment. This is a Nice Happy Moment (During which, by the way, you should always stop, breathe, take a moment to notice, and smile inside.)... Im ok and I can type and I've got my Kitty Witty Wittens.

I have achieved something. I have begun to dig myself out of the depths of despair, the bit where the balance tilts over and a bit of your mind goes missing. I have finally put together a blog, which I am doing for me and me alone, to make me feel better, because I have always liked to write, it is an outlet for my tortured soul and pain, and my inner hilariousness which would otherwise just remain in my head, as I am definitely too shy to stand on stage as a comedy act. Though I'd probably just have to stand there and everyone would laugh.

Writing makes it easier to have conversations between myselves, as I can keep track of my boggled brain. I dont care if people read it or dont want to read it, its MY blog and I'll put what I like. If you dont like what I put, or its too depressing or annoying or insulting to anyone, quite frankly, i dont care. My suggestion would be to just stop reading. I'll carry on writing. Just find typing and a spell-checker easier than handwriting, and is a good way to keep things in order, instead of the million scraps of paper I have laying around with bits of waffly writing on.

This blog is a positive good thing. Apparantly blogging is the new journalism, and journalists are cool.i forgot how to write but now I can do it again, Writing is the thing that used to be my 'thing' before life took its toll and the world came crashing down and I crossed the border from a happy-go-lucky person to a person who is not functioning so well. joined the Nut Clan. members of which, by the way, have been some of the most strongest, bravest, sweetest, positive, creative people I've ever met.

Hmm what was I saying..yes. This blog is good for me. This is going to make me well. This is the first step in becoming someone I always could have been.
I can get up tomorrow and have something to do, to focus on. To remind me I am here, on this planet, now.

Thats the plan anyway..
for all I know I might not be able to get up tomorrow. This good moment will pass, and another one will come. It might be a bad one or it might still be good. Just hoping.....:)