Busy

Life is good and I have lots of dreams and aspirations and goals. This is a very positive change compared to the long years I've spent just waiting for the universe to swallow me up.

My mind is buzzing with creative ideas, paintings, projects, words. Trouble is I cant focus on one of them long enough to get anything done. I start something and then get distracted and start something else. This is making things quite disordered and untidy,my sleep patterns all over the place, i leave a trail of mess behind of wonky sketchpads and paintbrushes and bits of paper with scribbles on.

Still, I feel that whilst I have the brain cpacity to be thinking of these things, I ought to be doing something about it before it runs out. But my body doesnt have the energy and it is so frustrating!!

My head keeps going blank and i just need to have a rest. And I cant relax because then I start thinking again and tell my self to get up and get on with something. I want to keep busy to stop myself just sitting around. I hate sitting around.

Being in the company of others is exhausting, even friends or family. I find focusing on a conversation difficult,and even my voice starts to hurt if Ive been chatting for a bit.

I get lonely but its mostly my own fault, because I dont make a lot of plans to see anyone. Even if I want to, I know how exhausting it is and i worry that i am terrible company!. But luckily anyway I am normally more than happy to be in Lauraland doing art or cat-ladying or something like that.

Voice in my head is always saying Im so lazy, a failure, which makes me think I should get up and get out there and stop wasting my life. I really want to get up and get out there. I have all the get up just not enough go.

I feel like I have a running commentary of my life in my head, and im having lots of conversations with myself at once in my head. I dont mind but it makes it quite hard to concentrate on one thing at once.

At least i am trying to be productive, even if not successfully.

Ipod on LOUD to drown out the inner mumbling
Started the washing up.
Doing a painting, well actually about 6 on the go
Have half hoovered
Moved all mess into bedroom so flat looks tidy
Learning John Lemon imagine on guitar.
Books lying open and unread
Cold hands, gloves, Coffee.
have done some blogging and
Ernie just fell off the windowsill. Lol.