This is probably going to be rambly, probably boring and useless too so I wont be offended if yo choose not to read. You probably have better things to do. But I just fancied a ramble. I am sitting at a computer at TFF, we have computers now! so I thought I'd do a bit of bloggering.
I got here at 2.30 today (supposed to be here at 9.30)...my head just seems to be a bit all over the place. But I met Marie for lunch which was nice, even though I have run out of money. Then Meg turned up. Then they left and I just didnt know what to do with myself so I came up here for a bit. Im not sure if Im allowed to do that really, but nobody seemed to mind. I just wanted not to be at home and to be around people, even if I dont talk to them. Makes me feel more normal. And now i am blogging.
Ive been feeling so good recently and excited about life but I am scared that maybe it wont last. I keep putting off going to sleep because I dont want to go to sleep and wake up feeling different. I just want to keep the momentum going. SO Ive been painting and writing and designing and being sociable and i even tidied and cleaned yesterday since my place was becoming pretty disgustingly messy. But staying up for 3 days straight is probably not good. I must remember to try and keep a balance.
Ive just been feeling positive and upbeat and like life is fun...which is great! But inside I am starting to feel just a bit tired, and outside my body is very tired. But I just cant seem to stop! Part of me wants to lay down and take the weight off my legs and go to sleep, the other part just wants to keep on going incase sleeping is wasting my life. But dont panic, I am not heading for a downer, I just got to balance things out...so not get too carried away, and not just give up. Somewhere in the middle is good.
The M.E is starting to get to me. Where Ive been ill for so long with mental health, depression, BPD whatever you want to call it, the tiredness has been a big issue but almost just part of the whole thing. i didnt have any energy or motivation to do anything, I was tired and achey, so I would just stay in bed for days.
Now that I want to get up in the morning, and do things and go places and keep busy, I have really started to notice the M.E more and I dont like it at all. I just want to go go go, but after a few hours doing anything I am shattered and fighting to stay up. My hands seem to stop working if I am painting or typing, my head is still buzzing, so I'll try doing something else but Im too tired for that too. I end up just sitting on my bed, in a world of my won, fighting off sleep but too achey to move, just planning all the things I will do after my rest. And it never feels like I have had much of a rest.
I hate it. But I have realised I am not lazy. I dont think lazy people can suffer from M.E...I used to be sooo busy, and then i got hit by it and I just had no energy anymore. I think its like total burn out...I think you can only get M.E if your someone who is just on the go, one things after the other, cant relax, worries a lot...and then just burns out. Because the people who I've talked to who suffer from it are definitely not lazy people. And I have so many hopes and dreams and interests, that I dont think I am either.
But I beat myself up for it all the time, GET UP YOU SILLY CAT LADY. I am trying to fight it. Im not sure if that is what I should be doing to overcome it or if I should just succumb to its achey exhausted curse....Have an appointment at the clinic on Monday so this might help me with managing it better. It is hard to manage it also living on my own. Things like carrying shopping up the stairs, moving furniture, cleaning...sometimes I just dont have the energy. and OMG, how heavy is cat litter? and cat food? I am such a pathetic weak little peanut it kills me carrying that stuff up the stairs.
Its quite hard to have a balance when your head changes a lot, and I think it is hard when you live on your own. I was thinking about this last night, that maybe the longer I live on my own the more I will become a cat lady and the less sociable I will be. And although I am mostly pretty happy with Bert and Ernie for company, sometimes it gets to me. I wake up and im on my own. I eat on my own. I get on with stuff on my own. I go to bed on my own. It can get a bit lonely.
But at the same time, sometimes I want company and I have friends that i could call or hang out with, but I just find it so much effort sometimes to be around people. i am so self conscious and I worry about what I am going to say or if I am going to be rubbish company. SO sometimes I dont say much. Sometimes my voice and throat just feels too tired and talking is really hard! And I sometimes know what to say in my head but it all comes out wrong.
I am a bit scared that maybe I am talking too much when i do see people, because I dont talk to anyone otherwise, except myself or the cats. And then I dont want to be annoying. But I do need to make sure that I do tlak to real human beings from time to time, even if I am happy pottering about at home.
The chain on my door has broken and I dont know how that happened, but I have rung the housing to get it fixed. It's pretty silly, there is a locked front door, 2 flights of stairs and then a lock on my door, but without the chain I have been quite paranoid that someone is going to burst in at any minute and attack me. But I know it is in my head, but it doesnt stop me worrying.
I have been forgetting to take my tablets, and i ran out. But I am getting some more tomorrow. So that should hopefully sort me out with the sleeping and stuff and all these worries.
But generally, things are just so good at the mo, keeping busy, doing stuff. We are starting lots of new groups and activities at TFF which is exciting, I went along to singing last week, theres going to be lots of arts and crafts and projects which will hopefully be something to burn my energy on and stop me being wriggly and then I can feel a bit more even.
Everyone that has seen my hair says it looks really nice, even though I havent really been too bothered but now when I catch sight of myself in the mirror, Im like oh yeah thats me?! Before, I would think, who is that? So it feels much more right cut off short, a fresh start, and makes me feel kinda arty and cool and look less liek a 12 year old. Its great just wasking up in the morning and not having to do anything with my hair, i dont even brush it and it just looks kinda cool. Yay me.
This evening I am set to go out bowling with Meg and her boyfriend Graham. And both his brothers, his parents, thier land lady and her children. Yeah I didnt know there would be all those people going but Ive agreed to go, because It should be fun. I just hope we're not out too late as it gets to a point when my brain stops communicating with my body and my legs dont want to move and my fingers go all clumsy, I'll start dropping everything.But apparantly bowling is only £2 a game, and a pint is 1.50. So as I only have £10 in my purse I figured this would be a good way to make the most of it. Thats a game of bowling 4 drinks, so maybe I will just get really drunk and then sleep well tonight.
I should also be sensible though. My medication and alcohol dont seem to like each other very much. Always a laugh though. It's good that Im going out, doing stuff, keeping busy. I know Im not really talking about anything on here but I love how blogging just helps me offload.
I like blogging here at Whitfield, I can concentrate a lot better. No cats sipping my coffee and sitting on the keyboard and attacking my feet. Cushdy. Out the window I can see Chloe and Amy, the girly goats. They are lovely. I keep seeeing cats everywhere though out the corner of my eye. Its pretty miserable outside, it definitely brings me down when the weather is grey like this. But it has just finished raining and now the sun is coming out. I like the sun coming out.
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