A prayer

Dear God,
Its Laura here. Ive not spoken to you in a very long time. I dont believe you are really as powerful or as good as you think you are, and quite frankly im not sure if you even exist really, only as an idea to give people some sort of hope or meaning or answers.

But on the teeny tiny miniscule off chance that you do exist, somehow, maybe as lots of gods or as Allah or Buddha or Jesus or whatever, or just as the flow of the universe some sort of supernatural aura..i thought now would be a good time to have a chat.

I have a few bones to pick with you and i wont lie, based on the last few years i have been completely unimpressed and disatisfied by your undivine non-intervenention

Now if Im honest, i dont believe that you have much if any control over the world or our lives, i think my future is pretty much down to me...but should you be there somewhere along the way, I'd like you to know that I am working bloody hard to try and get myself well and living a good purposeful life, and I dont really appreciate all the obstacles in the way or illnesses that I seem powerless to control. So if you are able to do anything to make this easier, please please work your magic.

If you are so good and powerful and amazing, why do you let so many good people suffer, and so many bad people have it all cushdy? Also, why did you make hearts so breakable. Surely if you made them a bit more durable there would not be so much heartache in the world.

I lilke that you give millions of people hope and faith and determination to keep going. I miss having faith in you and believing that you will make everything ok. I hope you know that I always try my best to be a good person and I want my life to be worthwhile. i hope it doesn't offend you that i say swear words sometimes and i dont go to Church.

I used to talk to you a lot, and trust in you, and go to Church, and read the Bible and sing the right songs...but Im afraid you let me down, i trusted you to help me and you didnt. So if I make it to Heaven you probably owe me and about 6 billion others an apology.

I am not sorry to you for any of the bad things I have done. I have been sorry to other people and sorry for myself, but not to you....unless you are sorry in return for the state ive been in and no doing much to help. In hindsight, all the bad decisions ive made and bad times have always taught me something or made me stronger, in the end. You did not make me stronger. I found the strength in myself.

So now that Ive got that off my chest, and after I have told you quite bluntly that I am not your biggest fan, Im going to be cheeky and ask for a favour. As you're supposed to be all loving of every single human being and it doesnt matter what I do, I figured this would be ok.

I dont know if its down to you or me or the help ive had, or maybe a mixture, but i am so greatful that the last few months of life have been easier than they have been in years. I've felt so much better, happier, more free. Ive felt like I might have a future and that I could really be somebody and it wont always be this hard. Obviously you know exactly what Im talking about if you are indeed god.

So just incase you are at work somewhere...I wanted to say a little prayer asking if things could stay like this, please. I know life will always have its ups and downs, but i have enjoyed being able to cope and would love for this inner strength and good fortune and positivity to continue.

You see god, just the last few days, ive started to feel more tired, more achey, and a little more nervous. ive been less focused and more fuzzy, and today I cried quite a lot. God, I am terrified of that aching hole i get in my chest, and the darkness that descends and the emptiness returning.

I am going to do all that I can to keep myself well, and keep mental illness at bay. This is a prayer that you would do your bit too, if you have a bit to do. I know ive got some problems and things to work on but honestly I am trying so so hard to find ways to cope with life and i would really appreciate any help you can offer.

Ive had a ittle taste of who I am and the llife I could have being well....I am completely and utterly terified that i might wake up one day and it will all be gone. I'll be lost again and lonely and desperate inside.

Thought I should just check in with you to make sure ive done everything I can to keep things going well. Dont be offended if you dont hear from me again in a while...just know that I'll be trying my best.

Also whilst Im saying a prayer, please could you help Bert and Ernie to stop toileting in inappropriate places, stop my brother from being in so much pain, look after all the lovely people who go to TFF and seem to get way too much shit thown at them, and please could you just spread a smile over the world so that everyone can feel a bit happier.

Cheers then, orAmen or whatever,

Laura x