Appreciation of Stuff

It is important to always appreciate stuff
So I am writing a list of my favourite things, to remind me of all the good things and remind me of who I am.

When I am Me....

I love life.

I love to be free. and run as far as I can.
I love to be outside and feel the grass under my feet and the wind rush through my hair.
I love to ride my bike so fast, the breeze rushes by and time is not important anymore. ooh I want to ride my bicycle. When I cycle so fast, the air captures all the buzzing in my head and cleans up all my messy thoughts and makes me peaceful inside. I love it when I am not too exhausted to move and I can move freely and see more clearly and become real again. I love it when I remember to breathe. Which is very important, by the way.

I love aminals. I love to see nature and to sit and be part of it, when everything is still. The animals have no worries and they understand without having to explain. They sense your soul instead. I love doggy woggys and monkeys and giraffes and elefunks. I would love love LOVE to ride an elephant. I love wondering how there can be so many living breathing creatures on the earth that are all so different. I love wondering what they think and if they feel the things that we do. I like believing that they do, cos I think they get me. This is how a person becomes a cat lady. I would still rather have an elephant, if it fits in my little flat. The main problem would probably be getting him up the stairs. And I guess I would need a bigger litter tray.

I love to create things. To design and make things. I love to have a blank canvas and turn it into something beautiful. Or even something ugly. anything that expresses my complicated feelings and helps to unlock the trapped feeling I sometimes get inside. I love how anything can be a blank colours. I love colours and shades and how a colour can say so much and set a mood that words cannot. I love how art is always different, endless possibilities. I love not knowing what is going to spew out of the pen or pastel or paintbrush and watching it unfold before me, and then feeling a sense of relief. Like a parrot with tourettes that has tried not to swear for a month, and then finally lets out a squawk of hilarious rude words.

I love words. I love writing them. I would like to use them more in real life, properly. I love how writing can make sense of the RAAAAAARRRR in my head. I love that I have the focus right now to spell it out. I love that I have a spell checker to control my dyslexic tendencies. I love how the word dyslexic is so incredibly hard to spell, what tit invented that?

I love to listen. To music, to the birds singing and the distant noises. and Silence.
I like to hear what people have to say. And what they don't say. I love people. Mostly. I like being a friend, and having friends. I love how we are all different and that everyone is exactly one of exactly them. I like it when I help someone, or feel that I have made someone smile. Unless they have smiled just because they looked at me and LOL'd.

I love to play the piano. My fingers move before my brain, and the notes tell a story that I didnt know I had inside me. But I dont have a piano, I have an acoustic guitar, which I love learning to learn to play. And I ove singing along when no-one is watching me and breathing with the melody. I love having this distracion. I love being able to concentrate on something that stops me thinking about other things. I love it when I can concentrate. I love it that I have learnt not to take these things for granted.

I love how there is good to be found in even the worst things. I love how something that is a curse can sometimes be a blessing. How by not having something, you learn to appreciate what you do have. I love being a positive person, inside. Sometimes life is good, sometimes life is shit, but life can always be funny if you look at it the right way. It can always be hopeful, if you wish that tomorrow will be better.

I love to imagine I am somewhere else. I love to hope that one day things will change. I like to be in another world, where it is safe, and nothing matters and anything can happen. I love to be me, when I am well. I love to feel that maybe, just maybe I can bring something good into the badness of the world. I love how I am just a teeny tiny dot in the scheme of the universe which takes the pressure off a lot if I fuck things up. That always relaxes me.

I love colours and textures and layers that make up layers of something else. I love the rain and thunderstorms and snow and I love the sunshine (as long as Im wearing sun cream thanks to the ginger gene and I dont want to toast like a teacake). I love the change of seasons. I like knowing that everything will pass. I love to dance. In private. I like yoga.

I love swimming, when I have the power, gliding through the water and feeling free. I like going underwater and holding my breath until I can feel the blood pumping round my body and bursting pressure in my head and struggling for air until my heart is about to stop.






And then taking that big breath in when the air goes back in your lungs and you remember to breathe, and its the freshest air in the whole wide world and I wake up a bit.

And the water rushing by and pretending I am a mermaid or a dolphin or a big fat whale. I HATE sharks, just got to see a picture of one and I'll be passed out at the magazine rack in Morrison's before you can say jaws...Jeez that was embarassing. Eurgh even seeing the word gives me the heebie jeebies.

When there are definitely no sh**ks within a 10 mile radius, I love to stand on the beach and watch the sea. The waves roll in and out, ticking like a clock and breathing like my lungs, in rhythim with my heart and making me peaceful again. Moment by moment, breath by breath, just going with the flow. No worries like.

I love the grass and not so much the sand but the cliffs and the trees and the flowers and the stars and the clouds and the moon and sky and the sun and the shadows it makes. The sky is so big and it makes me feel so small. That's what I like about it, that I am just a speck and its ok to make mistakes. The grains of sand are just specks too and they dont seem to worry half as much as we do. Although I've never been a grain of sand, that I can remember, so I dont really know. Imagine if each grain of sand is a tiny little world with lots of tiny people that live on it and we are giants to them. And the whole world is just one bigger grain of sand on somebody elses world and we are just like little borrowers to them.

Shut up brain.

I love to wake up to a new day when i wake up feeling hopeful. I love that first bit in the morning when you're not sure if your dreaming or real or if its morning yet or what day it is or who you are. And then you remember and your like oh crap.
You wake up and then it is the day and then it is the night and then it is the day againand the whole thing carries on even when you think you might fall off. Even when you want to get off. Things stay the same, and things can change. The world spins round and round and my life ticks by beside me, like Im watching from a distance and I am somewhere far away, my soul is somehwere else. I love having a cigarette sherbert lemon in the morning with a cup of coffee and trying to wake up to a better day, and hoping, it might be, and having the energy to just try my best. Which is all you can ever do.

I love England. The Open fields and the rivers and little quacky ducks and sheeps. I love Africa..I have a book all about it, it looks lush, Kenya I want to go. Red and yellow sunsets, wide open spaces, Timone and Pumba. Hakuna Matata.
I dont like how people can be starving just across the ocean from me and life can be so cruel and unjust and I wish I could do something about it. I love being able to appreciate how lucky I am. I dont like feeling that I am unworthy or selfish to be so fortunate. I love imagining that somehow all the good and the bad in the world will balance out so that life will be more equal.

I love how Bert just climbed on my lap and said "I want a cuddle" in his special meowy way and he is all warm and fluffy on my hands which are always cold. I love how they love me just because I give them food. It's nice that they dont expect too much. I love making them fat and squishy.

I love it when my senses wake up and my soul pops into place and i fit back into the world like the missing piece of a wonky jigsaw and everything will make sense again and the hole in my chest will get smaller and smaller. Life is good, as long as you are breathing there is more right with you than wrong with you.

Things I also love include :
Crumpets, Watching MJ's thriller video and the moonwalk, Swings, Ketchup, Matt Bellamy from Muse, my bed (not Matt in my bed), POP TARTS, stationary, VW campervans, Dougal and the gang from The Magic Roundabout, predictive texts gone wrong, b&w photos, F.R.I.E.N.D.S, The Spice Girls, TFF, scribbling, driving in my cute little Toyota Yaris (called Doris), sillyness, tattoos, slippers, pretending Hogwarts is real, roller blades, diet coke, chocolate, Irish people, and roast potatoes.

Oh and I suppose I should put kittens on this list so as not to offend anyone.
And Marmite, because its the law that youve got to have an oppinion on that.

I have summed up my list in 5 pictures (Matt takes up 2 of them, because he's a beaut):

Earls Court 2004...best thing ever

Dont get me started on the things I hate...

like, for example, mushrooms. Maths. bullying, brain fog, war, Social inequality, cat poo and Monopoly.