Brain Block

So i feel it is about time that i returned to my bloggering. Been meaning to write something for the last few days but to be honest, i just havnt known what to write. I definitely have some interesting things to discuss, but i forget what they are Ii have writers block. Though since i am hardly a writer, as my hand goes squiffy when i hold a pen and the ink jiggles round and i only ever write senseless things, it is probably politically incorrect to say i have writers block. Just brain block. brain fog, as i like to call it.

Brain fog is the feeling you get when you havnt slept for a few days, and yo have a lot on your mind and yo cant really concentrate on very much for very long.

Sometimes, its like just watching yourself rather than being in yourself, an just kind of drifting along and finding it very hard to make sense of the chatter in your head and also the world outside. your thoughts dont connect with yor brain or your feelings and yor actions dont connect to yor body and yor body doesnt connect to your soul and yor voice doesnt connect to what you mean.

More commonly, brain fog is the feeling of your brain being a bit...foggy.
Or disconbobulated, because that is my favourite word in the whole world and it normally sums me up quite well.

Although i seiously soubt that any right-minded person is logging onto my blog daily, eagerly awaiting my next insightful pearl of wisdom and highly inspirational blabber, then filling with an overwhelming sense of disappointment upon seeing that there are no recent posts, i cannot help but feel BLEUGH on myself for not keeping things up to scratch.

I have sat down to write quite a few times over the last few days. The problem is I have a lot of ideas and things i would like to say, but i very quickly forget them, dont have the energy to make sense of them. I have been very busy wanting to draw, write, and paint, and worrying abouth whether i will be able to produce what i pictured in my head and thinking about doing these things. this takes up a lot of time. But the problem is a i dont know what to draw, what to write, or what to paint. also, there just arent enough hours in a day when a lot of the day is taken up by napping.

It has occurred to me that the time i spend thinking about doing things, worrying about them, making lists and putting things off, probably takes a lot more time than if i just got it done.

So i have spent my morning cutting things out of magazines and putting them in a biscuit tin so that i can later return to these trimmings of interest for a cut and paste collage bonanaza.

I could not get out of bed this morning for art therapy. Woke up at 9.30, legs didnt move, wasnt sure if i was still dreaming or awake. Had a disturbing dream that i was at a party on a bouncy castle and all my teeth kept falling out and crumbling and i couldnt find a dentist and everyone was cross with me for ruining the party.
How does our brains come up with this weird stuff?

Head felt very heavy so i decided to have 5 more minutes, and then woke up again at 10.45,, which made me 45 minutes late for my art therapy session. Bollocks.

i am cross with myself about this. Because it means i wasted Lesley's time and i told myself i would go. Also because i like routine. i dont like not being able to stick to the routine. and now since i have managed to throw my whole day out of sorts, Becaus ei just didnt know what to do with myself after this epic failure, i am still in my jammies with a can of diet coke at 10 past 2 in the afternoon, having not achieved much apart from some cutting and sticking and again sitting down to blog asnd not saying anything useful at all.

Dont get me wrong, im not complaining about being able to hang out in my pjs until late afternoon, stroking kitties and flicking through magazines. Its just that i want to achieve more than this.

But i thought I ought to post smething, just to keep my mind at rest. i want to write because i want to, not because i feel compelled to keep up with it and finish something i have started.

so i am trying to chillax and stop feeling like such a failure, because, quite frankly, this is silly. Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves? Who are we doing it for?

Iis all the stress of life really going to be worth it when we're dead? and you realise all those things you worried about were never that important and you might wish you had just taken more time to enjoy life, instead of stressin about it.

At least i have written somethin now anyway, which i am vey sorry if you've taken the time to read and got this far, still to find that reading this was yet another waste of your time.

No offence but im not realy writing to entertain or please anyone. im doing it for me. I think its good to put a bit of pressure on myself, as i told myself i would write regularly, basically just because it feels better to have something on here, nd i like to get things out on a page and have a voice for myself.

This blog is entirely for me...Selfish I know, but everyone is seflish sometimes.

And i hope its not too selfish because doing this thing for myself, hopefully makes me a better nicer more productive person, and therefore less difficult to be around, which in turn is beneficial for the people who have to put up with me?

i have got to push myself more if want to be well, i want to be successful at the things i enjoy. by success i mean feel that it is worthwhile, feeling more filfulled and satisfied with who i am.

im not sure that simply wtiting for the sake of writing is worthwhile. but i read some online tips for writers block which suggested if you have nothing to write, just write anyway. so im afraid thats what im doing. sort of to kick my brain into action and get my fingers moving.

Hopeully i can sort my life out. Im going to start by getting dressed into appropriate normal perrson clothing, and will return later with something that might actually be of interest to another human being.

If you want something in life, never ever ever give up.