New Beginnings

No longer a cat Lady. Nope.

No longer crazy....yes.

Starting a new start....starting college!!

Gong to be an Art student.

Goodbye agoraphobic mentally unstable strange person.

I am soooo normal now.

I applied for college as someone called Rosie....who the hum dinger is Rosie?

I'm not sure but she marched Laura along and I got in, so i guess this means Im taking my first steps back into the real world.

Thanks for reading Laura's Locket, its been a laugh.

lovely followers, I appreciate your encouragement.

Gonna share some of my artings and hopefully some more humourous wisdoms and life lessons will follow....

check out  www.writedrawlau.blogspot.co.uk 

LOVE YOU FOREVER BERT AND ERNIE xxxxx

My Grampa

Something to say Happy Birthday to you...

My Grampa is a smashing chap,

His hair is like a cloud,

He has a rounded tummy

and he tends to speak quite loud.

He always makes us laugh,

he always makes  a joke,

Hes always causing trouble,

He is such a funny bloke!

Hes very kind and generous

And acts just like a boy

He always looks on the bright side

And brings lots of fun joy.

Hes done a lot of interesting things,

Like sold Roald Dahl a car.

He's even escaped from a casino

when the gambling went too far.

Hes very good at helping

If your trying to get something done...

he likes to work out how things work,

I think he finds it fun.

Sometimes he wears boxer shorts,

and sometimes khaki pants,

His hair is puffed up lovely

He's my super trendy gramps!

He sings along to funny songs,

With sometimes actions too...

Us Grandkids are all  very lucky

to have a Grampa like you.

He's always very sensible

You'll never find him drunk,

If he gets a little bit hungry

He will tell you that he's shrunk!

He likes a cornish pasty,

A banana or some cheese,

He might have knobbly knees but

He's always looking dapper

As his hair blows in the breeze.

He combs his locks to keep them nice,

They're thick and white and curly..

He tells me Im a very good boy,

and my brother to be a good girly.

I love my Grampa very much,

He always makes me smile,

Your the  best Grampa that there is,

With your original hair style.

Finally

Hello world.

It has been an extremely long time since I've written in Laura's Locket.

I havnt known what to write, I havnt wanted to write. I've been busy living instead. Ive been painting and arting like crazy, and being sociable and keeping on top of stuff...

Ok so I may have spent a little bit of time cat-ladying and nothinging, but hey, thats ok. Ive been doing some serious growing and wing spreading.

But I have been meaning to blog for a while, and absoutely had to today, because tomorrow begins a new secion of my life. I cant leave Lauras Locket just mysteriously unfinished.

Tomorrow, I will be 21 years old. A proper grown up. Reaching this age symbolises a lot for me. The years leading up to it have certainly been turbulant. I cant remember the last time I looked forward to my birthday...a day where you celebrate being born and look forward to another year.

I remember at 17 being convinced that by the age of 21 I will most definitely have killed myself, or at least be permanently sectioned and therefore pretty much barely alive.

But guess what....I have made it and I have overcome all that. And all that pain and ache and emptiness I had, its slowly been melting away.

And I finally feel like I have my life back. The world is my sardine, or whatever they say.

Tomorrow I will be 21, I am celebrating with friends and family, and I know its going to be the year that I turn things around. Because I am becoming whole and life is now exciting.

Ive hated all the heartache Ive caused, Ive hated the pain Ive been in, both mentally and physically. But I know it has made me stronger. It has made me who I am today. It has led me to the people that inspire me and give me hope, beautiful people who understand, friends for life.

Lovely Hollie gave me a birthday card today. Inside it says "May the year you are about to enter grant you the promise of success that knows no bounds; friendship and love, blessings from above, and dreams you never imagined would come true".

I've already done something I never thought I would possibly have the confidence and togetherness to do. I have some very good news people....in my absence of blogging, I have sold some artwork, I have applied for art college, I have been to an interview, I have been accepted for a diploma in art and design at Bournemouth, and I start in Septemeber...

I cannot wait!!!!! I still cant believe its me. The same girl who was too afraid to leave her flat, who's voice disapeared when she tried to talk, and who didnt dare look up from the ground if she was out for fear of being visible.

Its so good to have some really good exciting news, i have so much to look forward to now. I also have some very very sad news.

I still cant really talk about without crying. Willie, you might want to grab some tissues.

My boys, my gorgeous Bernies, who brought me so much happiness and who I loved and will love forever...they're not with me anymore.

I was struggling for money, I was struggling with M.E. I was struggling to keep on top of housework, and they liked to make a lot more mess. They got so big! I think they needed more space, a chance to explore the outside world. And then they got fleas when we went to the vets, and let me tell you that was terrible. It got out of control and was driving me crazy. And driving my poor cats crazy.

It was the hardest decision, to give up my babies. I did it because I love them. I miss them soo much.

They are at Kingston Maurward cattery, waiting to be rehomed, I pray together because they are brothers and have always been together.

Home still doesnt feel right without them. But I know when I start college, I will be out most of the day 5 days a week, and cats are a huge committment.

The day before they went, we stayed up all night cuddled up together, Bert on my chest, blinking at me lovingly, Ernie rolled over with his legs in the air and purring like a tractor.

It was awful saying goodbye. It was awful seeing them fight so hard not to be put in a box. its like they knew. I tried to reassure them, to tell them it would be ok. I really hope they are ok.

All I want now is for them to go to a home where they will be loved as much as I loved them. If anyone is interested, please please go to the website. It doesnt do them justice, but I promise they are the loviest boys who will give you so much comfort and affection.

Anyway, thats all I can say, because now I am crying. and theres no need for that because really, I am happy.

21 tomorrow, the start of a new beginning. The end of some teenage years and early adulthood that shouldnt have been as hard as they were, but have set me up to fight anything in life.

I've stll got a way to go. But I am getting there,..wherever there may be.

I am so grateful for the lovely family that I have, my beautiful friends, and the support that Ive had a long the way.

Tomorrow I am celebrating in style. Thats with my fellow nutters at the Funny farm, then the artists at the srt group, then seeing my mum....and finally my friends in bridport where I grew up, a folk music gig and a couple of drinks.

Yes I still have M.e, which means I am usually exhausted after 7pm...but tomorrow Im pretending that doesnt exist and just gonna have a good time.

I dont know when I will next be writing in Lauras Locket. Probably when I next have a meltdown and need somewgere to let go.

Thank you anyone who's been reading, Jeff, Mum, Hollie, Willie. This blog was the start of me rebuilding my life, it is special to me and will always be a reminder that I am strong.

I am a survivor.

Tomorrrow Im a grown up....oh Jeez.

Looking forward to the future.

Peace, Shalom, all things lovely


Laura xxxx
http://www.westdorsetrspca.org/cats_in_need_of_homes.htm

Outward, Inward

Not being carried away by the thought stream, just sitting on the bank.

I went out today to see some special people. I walked into town and felt the cold breeze against my face. I saw the wind blowing through the trees.

Awareness that focuses entirely inward, into the mind, the spirit and the self, while failing to give due attention to the wonders of the nature of the universe , is merely a partial experience. 

To travel onwards we need to go joyfully out into the world as well as deep into the recess of our being.

Wise words that happen to be next to me in my dexk of wise words.

The Artist

Havnt blogged in a while, brain hasbeen waaaay too sloppy.

Started the New year with all good intentions telling myself if i want to be better i can make myself better...came to the hard realisation that sometimes no matter how hard you want to be different you cant always keep whats really there away.

So I could feel it coming,that horribble drowning feeling before getting sallowed by emptiness. I probably felt the early pangs of it about the start of December,but decided to keep myself busy to keep it all at bay, but then soo exhausted...my head got all shouty and the voices started bickering and my head thoughts started to fuzzle and i felt a lot of panic.

Hibernated for a bit. Jumped every time the phone rang, Switched off phone. Just me, 2 kitties, paintbrushes coffee and cavasases. Had an Art Attack.

Have been tortured all week by the voice that says im so selfish for locking myself in and i should be going out and why am i so stupid and what sort of person is afraid of the phone ringing and everyone must be cross at me for how i am andddd.....but stayed in anyway and feel a lot better now.

Had human contact yesterday with Wise Hollie, so I know that Im still real.
Continued the art attck onto her bedroom wall...now a lovely spiral of tester pot colours.

I know its probably strange to feel like this... but I think sometimes i neeeed to switch everything off and just paint.

At other times I need to write.

Sometimes I cant do either. But my brain is doing both in my head. Blah blah blah...

Dont know what im on about now.

Meow meow

Oh God i think i have gone crazy...
But i think its jst called being a creative individual. My creativity is the bane of my life. I.cannot/.sit.still..unelss..im doing///somethinhg n sometimes im too tired but head is just like rar rar rar.

Constantly feeling guilty for not bein like the rest of society telling myself i ought to have a job and i should get out more....but then i thought...its my life and i keep trying to fight being a floaty cat lady who doesnt offer the world much apart from some words or squiggles...Im just one tiny speck in the whole universe. Just like you.

And who is anyone else to make a judgement of your life?

So Im just trying to accept that I am me and this is how i am and its ok. Ok?

im sorry for any inconvernience.

Ok Im gonna go now.

oh and Ernie fell out the window toda it was terriffying but it did make me run outside to get him, andhe seems ok but a bit dopey im a bit worried i love him so much but i think he is ok :)

Ok bye

I should blog more regularly if I want to have a good blog...but I will just do it when I can. Which is more annoying to me that it could possibly be to anyone reading this. Because im always writing in my head.

This is getting weird, Im gonna go. Bye.

Rise & Shine

Bright and Cheery and a little sleepy waking up at 6am.
Have started the day with me cheerios as part of my New Years Resolutions plan to eat proper three meals a day. So far so good. Ive realised I can function much better with food in my tummy. Having sausage and mash tonight at my lovely friends Sue and Tracey's.

Gonna have a shower and go out, to the library to return my books which I hope are not overdue. Cant find my Library card, which is my favourite card since I can get more out the library than I can out of my bank account, because there are lots of books in the library and not so much money in my bank.

Must also not forget to go pick up my prescription...New Years resolution to take meds as prescribed nearly went out the window last night when run out of pills, luckily found the exact two right ones rolling round in my kitchen draw, and the other one under my pillow. So far so good.

Then I am seeing Chris my brain man, and not forgetting the completion of my 2011 reminiscence.

So far this morn have fed the kitties and gone back to bed and done some knitting. I am knitting a green and pink woolly head band. I wonder if anyone reading actually thinks i look like this:

Quick thing

One last thing before bed, actually 2.

Firstly, just to say Im going to try and get better at replying to comments and interacting more bloggilly. Have just scrolled through my comments and tried to get back to them all. Sorry about the delay. Scrolling through previous post and comments leads me to my second thing...secondly I would like to know, Out of interest, would you consider this to be more along the lines of a hot dog, or more of a sausage roll?



Sensible answers only please :)

A few years of Life

I am becoming increasingly aware that I am writing increasingly useless things on my blog, such as posts about cheerios and cat poo. I want to write something interesting, as real writers should, but a relatively mundane life (i dont work and I dont get out much) means that sometimes interesting content is hard to come by. Also, it is sad, but I cant read much, so I dont really know what people want to read, if u get me.
Luckily, I have the 24/7 loud thoughts and chit-chat in my head to guide me on the path of ... enlightenment (unlikely).... or crazy cat ladydom (likely).....or interesting blog content (wishfully).

AT the end of 2011, I wanted to write a review of 2011. At the end of 2011, I was a) too exhausted to do this b) to busy to do this, what with needing to rest between each gift wrapping and c) too un-brain-together to do this. It is a little overdue than I would have liked, but right now in 2012 I am tired but brain-awake to do this. I figures a reflection on the previous year could help with the goals for another year as I pickle my way onwards on this journey they call life.

..well I cant really remember if I set any goals or was even aware that another year had passed...My main goal in life was probably along the lines of soon dying a sweet and painless death, such as being hit by a bus or accidentally falling off a cliff. Either that, or to wake up as someone else and be normal and not lonely and hold down a job and 'snap out of it'.

 On reflection, 2011 turned out to be a pretty good year. Maybe the first in a long time.

I had recently moved into a brand new flat following living in a shitty emergency bedsit where there was green stuff stuck to the bath and i could reach the kitchen from my bed and spent most nights sitting wide awake with my eye on the rattling handle as drunken men started fights outside my door, which they liked to piss on. I was alone and it was cold, and I didnt eat much... but I was glad to be there since it was better than the previous.

But I was really scared and I thought I was better but was still pretty sick...

Mental illness is a horibble thing. I felt trapped in myself. I tried to talk but the words wouldnt come out. I felt empty. Everything was dark. The noise in my head and the noise outside was overhwelming. Panic would rise up from my belly and into my chest and constrict my lungs and my voice was lost. AND i COULDNT BREATHE. I felt pain...a great big gaping hole where my heart should be and an ache in my chest so deep that it hurt to breathe. A cocktail of medication didnt work, not when I took them as prescribed and not when I overdosed to try and end it. I would only end up in a hospital bed with a drip stuck in my arm and sticky pads dotted over my body, which was wasting away under the pressure of life and self-punishment through starvation and scarring, wired up to a machine that tracked every painstaking heart beat.

I hated the pain all around me, and I couldnt stand the pain I was in.

This might all sound a bit dramatic. Blame it on the Personality Disease blah or  PTSD blah whatever...but this is how I felt. I was not crying out for attention, I was not deciding to opt out of life for a while. I was broken inside and everything felt wrong. Nothing was fun, colours were in sepia, nothing was interesting, spaces were empty.

i got  two meddlesom cats called Bert and Ernie, and resolved myself to the fact that it is better to just take my meds, i started drawing and writing. I started to accept myself.I started to turn my life around.

So I think i might write about that tomorrow, since now after waffling for so long about more useless and probably uninteresting things, not as a real writer should, I am far too exhausted and brain-wonky to do this now. since one of my goals in 2012 is to write more on my blog, because it made for a better year and started me on the journey through my soul that I am determined to end in a full recovery from mental illness or chronic fatigue.

Off to feed the cutey cats now, then bed. So here ends my practically life story review of my life, which I was not planning to write. Crazy cat lady returns tomorrow for a (probably long and waffly and equally useless but purposeful to me) review of 2011.

Thanks for reading, Bernie say bye xxx

Rainy Day

finally getting the hang of rising bright and early from under the duvet. Sleep is light and broken but on the plus side this means im awake at 6 to start the day. Ok, maybe 7 or 8. Waking up is not the same thing as getting up. Have to wait for brain and body to work.

It is grey and horribble and windy and rainy out my window,so im having a bowl of cheerios to cheer me up.

Just found a scratch on my face...cats like to dig at the duvet and punch me in the face to get a bit of attention.

already done the washing up this morning....its only been piling up for a few days, and now its cleeean.

Bert is finishing the milk left from my cheerios. Think Ernie's gone back to bed.

Today i am going to glaze my bowl that i made out of lots of little clay balls that look like pebbles. Off to the funny farm shortly, just need to get dressed and have a wash and away we go, cant wait to see the fat piggys again, missed them over xmas.

Cheerio.

A Rainbow

Things seem to be going well so far this year.
I like it when it is only 2 days into a year because not much has gone wrong yet...ive remembered to took my meds proper (always forget), seen my nan and fam, helped Hollie out and she's helped me. I babysat Flo for a while this morning, she is not so sure about Bernie. But she has learnt to say 'ahhhhh' at them. They kept following her and staring at her whilst she sat and smiled and took all the cat biscuits out the cat bowl. I didnt let her eat any.

Get this.... just before Hollie and Flo and I went to tescos, we were looking out Hollie's window and she said its grey i think theres going to be hail stones...and then it started hailing stoning. so we watched, and then I said, I think theres going to be a rainbow. And because Hollie likes God I said God if you like us then you will make a rainbow.....and then there was a beautiful arch in the sky with all the glorious colours of the rainbow, red orange yellow green blue indigo and violet because I checked, basically a rainbow. It was a beaut.

Hollie thinks a rainbow is a promise from God that everything is going to be ok. I think a rainbow is a pretty thing that happened because I had the feeling that it would. But who knows. The bottom line is, rainbows are cool.
Here is a picther which dosnt really do it justice:

We done our shopping and now I have food in my cupboards and my fridge and my freezer. Cant really complain about anything. Did you know that if you have the luxury of having a supermarket up the road and food to eat, we are in the luckiest 10% of the world. So if you feel down about anything, just remember that we are lucky. Thats what I try to do anyway. And I feel pretty chipper.

It was much nicer going Tescos with someone, i get scared on my own. And I had been to the shop yesterday, but I only got cat food and cat litter and cat lady things because I forgot that I need to eat aswell.

Bernie dont let me forget that they need to eat. In future I will try to remember to buy my own food when I buy the kitty cat food, when there is a lot of meowing and an empty cupboard, this is my cue to go supermarket.

Now we have got back and lugged a baby and lots of bags up two flights of stairs (the worst thing about living in a flat), i am feeling very content to be cosily home with my boys and also a bit tired, but thats ok because its been a productive day and I saw a rainbow, and now I have my slippers on that I got with my money from santa, a nice bit of the ipod on shuffle, and Im back to the Funny Farm tomorrow where Im going to glaze my bowl i clayed. 2012 is good. And we have a promise from God or the universe or a good feeling or whatever, that things are gonna be alllll right. Hooray.

Going Out

I need to put some food in my fridge, and my neighbour wise Hollie wants to get out and needs nappies (not for her, for the babba)....so we are going to Tesco's together.
I hate Tesco shopping.
Hollie likes Tescos.
A problem shared is a problem halved.
Off we go. bye.

2012

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Havnt blogged in forever since xmas is a busy time of year and ive not had much to say or much vavoom to say it....
I hope everyone had a good one, mine was really nice spent with people that I love and seeing family and friends.

The kitty wittys spent crimbo by themselves which is a little bit sad but they did get fed and lets face it they dont kno the difference between christmas day and any other day so i tried not to feel too guilty.

but I am relieved its all over now, and New Year is the bit I like best because its a New Year which means a lovely fresh new start and a brand new clean calender.

I hope to get back into the swing of blogging regularly because it makes me feel like Im doing something with my life and it is good to keep up at something you like to do.

A lot of people use the New Year as a chance to make changes and improve thier lifestyle in some way. Sometimes we can put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be fitter or healthier or happier.

My cousin Lou came up with a brilliant New Years resolution that she asked me to make into a poster for her, so that every morning she can see it on her wall and tell herself to do it, like a sort of mantra to help her make 2012 a good year.

Because i liked her mantra and I made the poster, I am stealing her phrase and also using this as my New years resolution because I think its a good one, and really its all you can ever do, in order to succceed at life. This is my New Years Resolution:

I have in my head other things that I would like to start getting better at this year, for example producing some art work that I can feel prud of, taking my medication as prescribed, organizing my time better, remembering to eat properly at meal times to keep me healthy, and practising mindfulness more because this will help with all these things.

Im not setting any special rules really, just going with it and feeling positive that 2012 is going to be a year of progress.

Bernie seemed to have calmed down a lot since having the snip, so me and my boys are gonna stick together and just take one day at a time. But as it happens, they are both fast asleep on my lap and I am about to fall asleep too....sdo we just wanted to say HAPPY NEW YEAR and good luck everyone for 2012....and...Watch this Space!