It's hard to remember how I feel before I cut. I think it starts with a feeling of being unsettled and unable to sit still. I wander aimlessly; everything seems out of focus. Everything passes over me and im trapped inside my head and everything outside is unreal. I don’t want to be trapped in here, my mind plays over images like a broken record player, my head swims with lies and humiliation and self hatred. I feel claustrophobic and it makes me panic because I cant escape.
Once im there inside my head I cant get far enough out to interact with anyone else. I hurt inside. I run out of patience - the idea of talking about what’s wrong is absurd. I feel a burning need to alleviate the pressure before something out of my control happens. I cannot let myself be out of control.
When I cut it’s a relief. A release of pressure like when you let go of a balloon to stop it bursting. Only the pressure is the pain in my head, driving me over the edge. I have to cut all the pain away so I can escape what’s inside of me.
If I
cut or
burn or
bruise or
starve myself, it’s not because I want to die, it’s just a survival method to get me through the day. Its not to die, its to stay alive.
I wish there was an off button for these feelings of depression. It must be hard for anyone who has never experienced it to understand, but it doesn’t matter how hard I try, Sometimes, I JUST CAN’T SHAKE IT OFF.
