Good Tidings

Hi
havent written for quite a while. havent had the energy or the time or the energy, or even the uncontrollable impulse for that matter, which is extreeemely weird for a creepy crazy blogging cat lady.

I am tired. I mean like proper tired. SO tired sometimes that it hurts my eyes to open them, it hurts my head to see, it aches my body to hold it upright. Some days I am finding it hard to walk.

Right now my fingers are shaky and numb, my knucles are purple with cold and my wrists ache just typing. The screen is hurting my eyes and my legs are very heavy but my feet are wriggling restlessly.My brain is ticking relentlessly.

Its not all bad though. I have some soothing music on to quieten down the noise, i have 2 pretty kitties cuddled up with me on my squishy cat-hairy sofa, roof over my head and keyboard to write with and a can of diet coke. Ive got things pretty cushdy, which makes me feel extrememly guilty.

I have things I need to do. Incase anyone hasnt noticed, it is nearly christmas. That Joyous time of year when you must face the busy crowds and scrape together your pennies and drag yourself to see people that you must see because it is christmas, and give carefully chosen presents to people who dont appreciate it. Hooray.

I love giving gifts and I love seeing family and friends with a smile, and i love roast potatoes. But I just dont have the energy that christmas requires, or the funds, or the non social anxiety. I also do not have the organization it requires to deliver cards on time, the concentration to sit and watch xmas films, or the patience to wrap bloody presents.

Bah humbug. I dont actually hate christmas. I think this year it will be fun. I just dread christmas.

I hate the build up to it. i hate the expectation it puts on families to come together and to give expensive things. I hate the commercial money making madness and the competition of who gave the best presents. I hate all the greed and the waste at christmas, and all the fake pretending of happy family and peaceful tidings to all.

and that song....”Feeeeed the woorrrld...Let them know its Christmas Time!”....why cant we feed the world all year round. Why does everyone pretend to be so nice at christmas? I think its becauseits nearly the end of the year and we have to feel that we are good kind human beings. I dont ant people to be nice at christmas. Why cant wejust be nice all year round, and share and feed the world and spread the joy and give little gifts here and there. Wh does it all save up until 25th December?

ANd I dont even believe in all that Jesus stuff so why am I even celebrating. BAHH HUmbUG.

But really,

I wish anyone reading this a very very merry christmas. And Also a happy 2012.

And I wont lie, because I am easily led and it is difficult to back out of christmas without seeming extremely selfish and unfestive and grinchy, I do have a piece of tinsel hanging up above my VW campervan picture, thanks to Wise Hollie, and I do have a pile of presents to wrap. And I am seeeriously looking forward to a day of fun and togetherness with lovely people and yummy food and crappy telly and laughing and... resting.



For anyone who is feeling the pressure this christmas, Here are Laura's top tips for a more manageable festive season:

Only buy presents for people who are going to appreciate it

Buy what you would like to give, not what the person expects or wants.

Dont feel guilty if you cant give a gift

If you cant afford to buy gifts...make them! cookies, a nice homemade card, knit something. Actions speak louder than words.

If you dont have the energy or time to make things, just give them a call, and let them know you are thinking of them.

Dont feel pressured to squeeze more in than you can cope with.

Relax and enjoy your time at christmas with the people who you choose, the people you like to be with.

(Sorry if this is terrible advice.... Im not an xmas expert or anything, its just off the top of my head..but this is whst Ive tired to do this year and Im having a merrier xmas than i have in years...with a smile!)

Festive Tidings Every body.

14/12/11

Today has been exhausting. I have learnt some lessons and cried lots if tears and been worried and hurt and angry and sad for someone and strong for someone.
To cut a long story short, ive had a friend staying with me the last few nights. This morning i saved her life. I dont think she appreciates it. I dont think she appreciates me. Its her 21st birthday tomorrow. Im glad she is still here.
Im glad i have realised that you cant always help people. Not if they dont want to help themselves. I have done all i can for her, for years. Our friendship consists of me giving, and her taking.
I have got to toughen up. Because i care about her, because i want to be her friend, i have realised i cant keep picking up the pieces of the messes she gets herself into.

The doctor said it could have been life threatening. I cried. She smiled.

I have been where she is. I got to a point where i realised the damage i was causing all around me. She seems to revel in it... I am so confused.

I feel too tired to keep fighting against her, she does exactly as she wants and gets angry at anyone who tries to tell her otherwise. I care about her so much, too much to keep looking out for her when she is not even looking out for herself, and has no respect for how anyone else is feeling.

I luv her too much to watch her kill herelf, ive already seen one friend do that... And i feel so guilty but i hink the kindest thing i can do now, is walk away.

I hope one day she will look back and realise i only ever tried to be her friend.
Im not sure if Im doing the right thing or not....i know she is angry at me for teling her the truth. I know, for once, i am doing the right thing for me...because I really cant handle all the drama she creates. I just dont know if Im doing the right thing for her..... what a day...exhausted.

If you are reading....I luv you. I know you probably hate me now. I just want you to get better. Please please please start helping yourself, i have helped you as much as I can and I wish I could do more but there is no-one in the world who can make these things better, but you. x

An Annallogy

I found a woman in the mirror,
She looked like someone brave.
She found a girl in her reflection
she found a girl in my reflection
I Found a girl in our reflection.
I found the woman in the haze,
I found a girl, I found a woman.
she stood thier uncertainly, lurching
She found a soul, I found her Self.
I found myself stood searching.




She found a girl in her reflection
Just rooted to the spot
She looked real, like how i felt
A person i'd forgot.
The little girl crawled back in her cave
The fear just started to rot.
She stood there staring
Intimidating
But wasnt scared anymore
The woman wasnt afraid no more
Of the broken faces and scars she saw
Not as red raw as they were before.
Perfections, imperfections
She met the whole collection
The people, the reflection,
I met me for a moment...
And then she was gone again.
Fragmented and blurry but perfectly sane
Still one brain.
She stood up tall, looked into the eyes
and vowed to break the chains.
I found my soul ablaze,
She found her in the haze
A woman looking brave.
A little girl flickered in a daze
Squirming through the mirror maze.
I felt like i was someone brave.
There stood a woman, she was brave.

My tinternets not working proper.

had a very productive week. Started off a bit dodge, got a bit more upset than I should have done, worried far too much and had to shut the world out for a bit and curl up in my bed.

But now its all k.

.....pulled myself together and simply startd again. Not as easy as I can make it sound, its actually very hard. But if you try hard enough you can do anything, probably.

What was it that brainy guy said-- In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. I think thats probably right.

I havent ran a marathon this week or climbed Everest or visited the moon, or gone to Ethiopa and fed the hungry...

Buuutttt I have heaved myself up in the mornings. got myself out, taken on board my therapy sessions, got to TFF on time, forced myself to spent time with good people instead of drowning in isolation, tidied up my flat and also gotten on top of important grown up electicity-bills-and-groceries-car-tax-discs-and-post-reading-and-other-shit things that I should really do all the time but it takes a lot of energy, since it means having to focus in grown up mode for a useful amount of time. Since im only a kid, really. Old smelly Cat Lady. Im confused.

For some reason which I have forgotten, I was reading (I never read, I write...reading is hard,) but anyway I was reading about epilepsy, and now it makes a lot of sense to use my new knowledge of epilepsy to write an allanogy of my brain..annalogy? Alonagy? Aloonagy? you get what I mean...

Just to confirm, I do not have epilepsy. I sometimes have weird blackouts and seizures, but touch wood hasnt happened in a couple years. Weirdly enough since the doc told me to eat more salt... They normally tell u to cut down. But now i sprinkle salt on things and it seems to keep me conscious.

its somethhing to do with my bloood pressure is funny, i dunno...i had to go for a test where I got strapped to a table and tilted upwards until I passed out... great fun. Not.
its also happened when I was on a Christian Camp back in the God days and dont remember much other than an ambulance ride and they said i was dehydrated

Cant win really as it also happened when I was overhydrated and toxicated myself with water, according to the tilt table man. But anyway this was a few years ago and is completey off the point.

I also blacked out and started fitting and screaming when I didnt react well to getting my tongue pierced, but this is embarassing and pretty much self-inflicted if you take the man with a big needle out of the equation.. . But anyway, this is irrelevent.

What i was going to say is, It is very hard to control something that you feel you have no control over. For example, diabetics cant control thier body when having a seizure, Epileptics cant control a fit, alcholics cant control thier thirst.

But a diabetic can control thier diabetes, epilepsy can be controlled with treatment, an alcoholic can control whether they reach for another bottle.

You have to be strong and determined and do the things that are going to help you. Its hard. You cant always control how it makes you feel, but you do have a choice in deciding what you do about it.

People have seizures when the electrical signals in the brain misfire. The brain's normal electrical activity is disrupted by these overactive electrical discharges.

Baby aminals :)

A happy bunny wabbit

People can suffer from depression or anxiety or PTSD or BPD or D.I.D or whatever...when something in thier brains just stops working as it should. Sometimes a lot of pressure or trauma or stress can disrupt the normal functioning of the brain. Sometimes It can just shut down, or has to malfuncion to find new ways to cope, which can make you start acting a bit weird and stop you from living the life you had hoped for.

Contrary to popular belief, it is not a choice to have an addiction, or to be depressed or not cope or simply shut down, or to have M.E. If there was an off switch I would always turn it off. But there isnt, it is what it is.... but you dont just have to accept it. This is where you have a choice.

I never want it. I always hate it.
Sometimes it gets the better of me.
Sometimes I can fight it.

You ar the only person who can make the difference.

Sometimes it feels like I am losing control. I feel trapped in my body, Im screaming inside to not feel how I do or act how I do but I dont have the energy to fight it.

But I am learning to take control.

Its making me feel much better. Its also making me more tired. But its better to be tired at the end of the day because youve been working hard, than tired at the end of the day because your sick of how things are and hate yourself for not having the energy to fix it.

So Im finding the balance between accepting it, and taking control of it. Im done with denying it, and pretending Im ok and suffering in silence. Im done with wallowing in it and being afraid and waiting for someone to rescue me.

Im putting the pieces together.

So Im starting to take control. In the midst of life's struggles it can be very hard to take control. But ultimately it is the only way things are ever going to change.

A Hot Dog

It can be scary watching someone have an epileptic seizure. The person may lose consciousness or seem unaware of what's going on. They might start making movements that they have no control over, or experience unusual feelings or sensations, such as unexplained fear. After a seizure, he or she may feel tired, weak, or confused.

This is the best analogy I can think of for what it can be like to suffer from a mental illness. Also for M.E, which inacse you dont know what that means, it means Myalgic Encephalopathy. And incase u dont know what that means....well im not sure either. Google might know. I dont even know how you say that word. But thats what ive got an its a pain in the bum to say the least...and the brain fog and occasional psychosis and malfunctioned fight or flight mechanism, with the anxiety and panic attacks and blurry slurry whizzing thoughts makes for a lovely cocktail of uncontrollable movements and unexplained feelings and sensations....

So with the aloonagy, although its competely dfferent, its a lot like Epilepsy in the effect it can have. Most people know what that word means so i thought it could help to understand...makes sense to me anyway.

Meow

I wouldnt blame an eplieptic for having a fit. Its not their fault. In hindsight, they may wish that they hadnt continued looking at the screen for so long, had so many late nights recently, or skipped so many meals... but its still not thier fault.


Im trying to apply this to myself. A few days where I felt that it was too hard to face the world, to scary to get out of bed, or more energy than i could muster to follow through with the plans I had made.....does not mean I have failed.

A babby HogHedge Curled Up in a Little Ball :)

Im tired of beating myself up about it.
i also need to stop worrying so much. i worry that i should be able to switch it off, that it means i am weak. i worry about how other people may percieve it.
This is pointless and silly and Im going to try and stop caring so much.

I know that I am trying. I couldnt live with myself if I wasnt! I wouldnt want that life...I am trying really hard.


I am the only one who knows who I am, how I feel, or what I need or dont need. If people think that Im being lazy, or choosing to not make an effort...then quite frankly that is thier problem and thier ignorance. I need to remember this.

Laura is taking control and taking responsibility and making some changes.

I am strong. I will rpove it to myself. I already did this morning when I got up and went out and did the things I told myself I would.

I can pull myself together.
I can take control.

Oh... And as discussed earlier, Just because someone has a seizure does not necessarily mean that person has epilepsy, though.
Just because I currently suffer from mental illness does not mean I am mental..like ive said before, I think everyones pretty normal. Just human really.

For some people with epilepsy, the seizures eventually become less frequent or disappear altogether. Im hoping this will also apply to things that I struggle with too.

Ahhh,love writing in my blog and coming out with useless philosphocilical things that make me seem like someone wise :)

Life is what you make it. Not what your limitations make it. Just hold on!

Spel check

Bert and Ernie have been chopped. They have been very brave and seem to be recovering already.
Made a crimbo dec at TFF. This is quite an achievement as usually hate xmas.

Saw this poem and had to share it!! Now a bit worried that my spell check doesnt make much difference.

Bed soon.

The Spell Chequer.

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a quay and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
It's rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
It's letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Martha Snow

Useless Blabber

If you are reading ths blog post and think it might be interestng, i'll save you the bother and tell you now that it will probably be very boring and contain nothing useful or even remotely interesting. It wwill possibly contain something about cats and give you some useless knowledge about the life of a cat-lady, which is probably not the mos exciting sort of life to read abbobut,,, I only relly type because i like typing and it helps my head, i dont really read so i dont know if i write anything worth reading...but if i ever do then this is not going to be one of those times beacuse I am reeeeally tired

Have had a busy but good few days, now absolutely and totally exhausted, so pleased to be in the warm with my kittys and put my feet up. This is so incredibly boring but it is such a relieff,

Good few days. Have been sociable, ventured out last night and had a few drinks with some friends. It was really nice to go out and feel ok. Once Im out with people Im ok.... it is the thought of going out and getting there and getting back, and the worry of whether I will get anxious or the exhaustion is overwhelming that sometimes stops me. but once im out I can push my way through it

But I talked mysefl out of wanting to sleep and ended up enjoyig myself. Hardly slept but was up this morning to drop mum at the station and then came back to feed Bernie and then mustered up the energy to go to Whitfields. Annoyingly I had been fine fine fine until i got to TFF and for some unknown reason went a bit nervy and couldnt talk to anyone and just wanted to go home but i still had to go into town and do important grown up stuff at the bank, pop in to see Hollie and babby Flo, and then go out again to see some other friends who have kindly lent me a cat-carrier for Bernie's big day tomorrow...

The boys are getting the snip !! Am uber excited about this but they are not so. Have broken the news to them gently but they are not impressed, especially as they wolfed down their dinner and wont be getting any more food until tomoro after noon.
Am worry slightly about managing to get to the vets in time since I have to be their at 8.40.In the Morning!!! But am going to get an early night to make sure we make it, as I am unbelievable excited about hopefuly having 2 cats by tomorrow eve who dont feel the urge to piss on evrryytthhiing. Awww 'luv em.

Have put thier blanket in the cat carrier to try and coax them in so they dont play silly buggers in the morning. By the time you get one cat in the other one will have always hopped out and hidden, and this is sometimes cute but mostly very frustrating.

but anyway, am very happy to be home now in the warm near my bed with my kittys. and my head is busy but its ok because im blogging. but i feel the need to do something to keep me distracted but this is diffcult when my fingers are typing very slowly and my eyes are heavy and the screen herts my eyes.

Im going to try and ignore the inner turmoil, and rest, as the occupation thrapy lady has suggested. have been filling out my activity diary and see what she means now about my 'boom/bust' lifestyle....i get a boom of energy and then it wears off and i go bust. legs start aching, voice starts shaking, brain slooowws dowwn.

bye.
Oh Good Luck Bert and Ernie tomorrow, enjoy your last night of manhood.

The Mirror

The invisible soul was crying to break free
the little girl peered in the glass gingerly
a woman stared back, her eyes became me
The three of us stopped and my heart skipped a beat
The little girl and the woman became complete
The little girls skin was broken and scarred
The woman in the mirror held dreams in the stars
The pressure on the little girls chest was lifted
She started to breathe, her lungs less constricted
The woman looked friendly, her smile was warm
The invisible soul became calm in its storm
Three souls clicked into place for a moment
And they breathed together, deeply
The invisible soul flowed in and out freely
The girl smiled meekly, the lady stood strong
But as the girl went to touch her, the woman was gone
The girl felt lonely and fearful and wrong.
The little girl hated her ugly reflection
She hated her body and imperfections
And would look in a mirror with shame and rejection
The lady she saw had meaning, direction
Thier hearts beat together in a pulsing connection
She peered in the glass and was met by her gaze
She searched for her soul in the fog and the haze
Until everything became a blur
Then the Little girl realised the woman was her..

R.A.o.K

It makes such a difference to start the day in a happy way...

I did wake up on time this morning. I did remember that i wanted to go to yoga. I did still want to go to yoga. I could not get up, my body was too heavy....But my lovely neighbour Hollie and SuperBaby Florence saved the day!

Had the secret password knock on the door at 8.30, from my neighbour Wise Hollie. So I puuuulllleeeddd myself outof bed and spyed out my spy hole and saw a GIANT BABY staring at me and grinning with 1 tooth...I panicked a bit, and then realised that it was just Wise Hollie holding baby Flo up to the door.

So I unchained and unlocked and it was so lovely to see a lovely smiling friend and a lovely regular sized baby smiling in the morning. So i shuffled back across the corridor and had a morning coffee with my neighbours :-)

Turns out Hollie had read my blog and seen I was trying to get up for yoga and kindly decided to help. This random act of Kindness really helped me this morning. Im going to try and start doing mor of them, as it can really cheer up someones day. Thank you wise Hollie...I didnt know you had been reading my blog! And now your random act of kindness has been documented forever.. Thanks for bein my friend

Practice Random Acts of Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty

Today has been goid because i did get up. I made it to yoga only a teeny bit after half 9. Unforunately the group wasnt running because only 2 people turned up incuding me, but thats besides the point because I made it!!
Instead I went to TFF to see how Billy was doing. He seems to have made good progress overnight, i hope somebody probably fed and watered him. looking good, Ive put him with his new family of other reindeer looking out the window, they all look so cheeky stood in a line, When I find the clicky thing Im looking for I will be able to put a picture up.

Im not In The ZOne anymore my brains a bit slow, so cant remember what else I was gonna say but Im going to have a rest now and stroke my kittys because i cant write....

The Zone.

My main target in life at the moment is to go to sleep very soonand get up tomorrow morning and goto yoga, which is at 9.30. I have been once before and liked it but i wont lie it makes me quite nervous to be in a roomful of people and bending my body in strange positions. But I do a little bit at home sometimes so hopefully i wont look like a total bellend. Not that it really matters really.everyone who goes probably feels nervous, and its all about focusing on yourself and not everyone around you and getting in the zone. when Im in the zone Laura good to go...We love the zone.

Frozen Planet is on the telly. Baby Polar bear cubs...soo cute and tiny, like little moving teddies. I want one. turning telly off though since watched a bit of this frozen planet before and it draws you in and then it gets really scary and tragic and the epic music builds up and you just know that the smallest babiest polar bear isnt going to make it...and its just too awful.

The zone is focused, free,n rhythm with my breathing. Mindful, aware, content, calm. When Im in The ZOne my soul clicks into place and my voice is stronger and life seems a lot less hazy.

I think I will be on a more even keel and more mentally balaced when I learn to grasp the abiliy to stay in the zone for more than a few seconds, or a few days at the most.

At the moment i get moments of being in The Zone. I try and i try to make the most of these moments so this is when I blog. I can hear the beat of my heart and my thoughts more clearly and they unite with body and I am no longer just a passenger, im in control.

And also yoga is good for you. I heard somewhere that Exercise releases dolphins that make you happy. So there are lots of good reasons to get up in the morning...
just hope my soul hasnt jolted outof The Zone by the morning, and hope that my legs work and can think straight and actually open my eyes and start the day.
I really want to and I really am exhausted.

But Life out of depression is so much more fun :-)
I have lots to look forwards to...Getting out and getting in the zone with some dolphins, then Im going straight to see my Billy reindeer and do a bit more log painting and find things to giggle at.
Everything is very exciting.

Billy

Had a good and socialble productive day, spent it at TFF. I had a really great time...i have made some friends and I like spending time with the people up there. Today I laughed a lot. I got there on time this morning, which doesnt happen very often.
I took a risk today and thought I'd try something new. Theres a woodwork room at whitfield and been itching to go in and try making something but havnt had a clue what im doing and all those noisy drills are quite scary.

Theres a shed at the bottom where there are all lovely reindeers made from logs they are so cute and I wanted to make one. I had never tried because there is a sign on the shed that says boyzone...i hadnt been in because a) Boyzone suck and B) I thought girls werent allowed in there. But turns out anyone is allowed in there, so Nev helped me bang together my reindeer, i gave him a wonky head and odd eyes and thenstripey antlers.I havent finished him yet but he is ccalled Billy, he is drying his paint over night and I will finish him tomorrow and take a picture of him looking all lovely.

The Ipod's on shuffle and talking to me again. :)

Morning! :)

By a mixture of some sort of miracle, positive thinking, a bit of effort and being woken by some cats, I am up bright and early and still in my pyjamas but about to get ready to start the day with a smile..

I am even going to have some breakfast and a shower and then choose what to wear and then put it on the right way round. As apposed to being smelly and throwing any mismatched things on back to front or going out in my pyjamas with a coat. Im going to TFF to be sociable, and then this afternoon some of us are going to a singing group which is scary for me but I like singing so it should be fun.

The O.T yesterday gave me this diary thing to fill in everyday for 2 weeks of when I wake up, get up, activities I do and when I rest and go back to bed...its so she can see what im doing then help me to do it a bit better to manage the symptoms. I also have to score out of 10 how I feel mood/tiredness wise in the morning, afternoon and evening. 1 being 'awful' and 10 being 'excellent'. This morning I would say I am a 9, because I have managed to get up good and cheery so that I can document it in my diary. So far my diary looks like this:

7.30-7:45 woke up
7:45-8:45 Got up, coffee, fag, fed mew mews
8:30-8:45 blogging
8:45-9:30 Shower, dressed, breakfast

Gosh Ive already done a lot this morning. Apart from the shower dressed and breakfast, I put that on there to make me do it in a minute.

Here is a quote that Willie left me on my comments. I like it so thought I'd put it nice and big :

"Watch your thoughts, for they become your words. Watch your words for they become your actions. Watch your actions, for they become your habits. Watch your habits for they become your character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny".

I also like this one, which I found on the back of a magazine:

"If you think you are too small to make a difference, then you have never gone to sleep with a mosquito in your bed"

Head Fudge

This morning I went to Art Therapy. Doesnt that sound nice? The answer is no. Its important to say that Art therapy isnt a lovely hour spent doing some watercolour, its a total head fuck and its not really that fun. I have told Lovely Lesley-Anne my mean horrible Art Therapist this, and she agrees and thinks it should be written on the leaflet. It is gradually helping to unfuck my head but it is still a head fuck and shouldnt be taken lightly. So if you are starting Art Therapy and think you're in for a few sessions dabbling with felt tips and scribbling in pastels over a cup of tea, im sorry to say that you should prepare yourself for some hardcore shizzle.

Psychotherapy is pretty exhausting. Im proper tired..

I hung out at TFF for a bit. Whilst Im being honest I should also say that TFF is not actually a funny farm, it is a 'rural activity centre' where people get referred to help make themselves better and give them a purpose in life.

feeding some goats and making a fruit bowl out of clay might seem like useless activities to some people. But it has been through TFF that I have gained confidence and managed to start things and finish them and make some friends. When I first started going, it was months before i didnt lose sleep with the anxiety of having to face people, and to be able to make conversation and not blush or want to apologise whenever someone looked at me. I go a few times a week and it is helping me to grow.

This afternoon I went to see the M.E lady who is an Occupational Therapist and is helping me to stop my 'boom/bust' lifestyle and to get more on an even keel. Im supposed to start by accepting that I have M.E, which I dont really want to do as i know im tired but I dont want to give in too much because I need to get on with life and dont want to waste too much time resting.

But I think I need a rest now as it has been a busy day. Ive been head fucked and funny farmed and occupationally therapied, and finally managed to write on my blog despite wasting several hours over the weekend writing THREE blog posts THREE times and managing to accidentaly delete before publishing THREE times. Once because computer died, once because Ernie trod on the keyboard, and once because I managed to cut and then paste to some unknown location. Computers are so gay.

Obviously because I ramble a lot, I cant remember what I was writing about but I do have the feeling that it was very important and the world will be a lesser place without these blog posts. But I suppose we'll all just have to cope with this loss and move on.

I would also like to share that Bert made his Great Escape this weekend from being stuck in my third floor flat as an indoor kitty. Im not sure if he jumped or fell but the window was open andI looked out to see a puffy black ball shouting meow at me from the ground below.

I thought he might like to sniff the grass and make a bid for freedom, but he just kept meowing up at me and Ernie watching out the window until I went down and scooped him up. He hadnt hurt himself but he clung on to me for dear life as I carried him back inside and up the stairs....It seems Bernie are much happier cuddled up with thier mummy than exploring the big wide world, awww.

Stigma

Someone who may have stumbled across my blog might wonder exactly what it is I do with my life; what i do for a living or what I am studying at college. The answer to that is nothing..... Although to be fair, I do actually do stuff.

There is a lot of stigma attatched to someone who lives in a council flat and claims benefits and doesnt work. So for the sake of all the lovely people Ive met who cant work due to illness, I thought I'd try to eradicate some of these preconceptions.

Maybe you pictured the unemployed cat-lady as someone with no teeth who makes no effort to contribute to society. Or you might assume that I sit in my pjs and watch Jeremy Kyle all day, or hang out at the park and drink cider and occasionally mug old ladies.

Well actually i still have all my teeth and I dont even have a criminal record. That doesnt mean to say Ive never broken the law....just never been caught cos Im cheeky. :-D

What I am trying to say is that I am not satisfied just blobbing around and not making anything of my life. And I dont think there is anyone Ive met during my times in hospital or at The Funny Farm who wants to be ill or thinks its fun to get your money for nothing. I've actually been working very hard to try and make somthing of myself so that I can be someone who has a purpose and has something to offer the world.

I have been signed off sick for a few years now. I have a bit of paper that says i am'unfit for work'...how embarassing. I really want to work. But my brain goes wonky sometimes and I get a bit anxious and in real life Im not actually as cool as I sound in my blog. Im a bit twitchy and weird.

I used to work in Scummerfield at the checkout whilst studying for my Alevels. 2 years of Psychology, art, english and Philosophy....but sadly I have no A Levels as I didnt take the exams due to being locked in a mental hospital. waking up in a psychiatric unit  having spent most of your life trying to succeed and hold things together, is a bit of a bummer. Actually thought my life was over.

But it isnt and I came out of hospital after a few months and started college doing Health and Social Care, and I couldnt concentrate and I got too nervous to go in and I had lost the ability to concentrate or read and write very well and it was too hard and life was getting very very tricky and I wasnt coping, so after another failed attempt at studying I stopped college. And then Ive been back in hospital and out again, and whilst most of my school friends are in thier final year at uni or have been busy travelling the world, I have become a cat-lady in slippers who goes to a funny farm and splashes paint around from time to time.

It is very frustrating as up until I had a nervy B, I had all the potential and energy to make a success of my life. I worked hard at school, and got some A* GCSEs not because I am that clever but because I worked my butt off...and where has it got me?

The point is I still intend on getting my qualifications and then getting a good job where I can do something useful and maybe help other people. Mental Health problems (some sort of personality disease apparantly) has really got in the way the last few years. I tried to kill myself a few times, and Im still not sure how I managed to escape death since each time I was pretty sure it should work....but apparantly not. so I figured I was just going to have to battle on.. and Im still here :-)

On the bright side at least I will have had my fair share of stress and trauma so that when I hit 35 and my school friends are having thier mid-life crises, I will have already had my early life crises and will be off having a ball like I should have been doing these last few years.

I just want everyone to know that one day I will pay my way and do something very useful with my time here on earth, and that is a promise.

Brain Doc

I saw the brain doctor on Thursday (I think hes a psychiatrist), who told me that I have come on a lot in the last two years, which is good. He then went on to say that in another couple years I could be good as new, which is not so good. Because 2 years is friggin ages. He said you cant rush recovery and Iv had a lot of stress and I need to be patient.

Well I have wasted a lot of my life being an in-patient and an out-patient and i am impatient and I dont want to just be a mental health patient. i have more important things to do , quite frankly, such as cat-ladying and painting pictures and writing my very extrememly popular inspiring world famous blog. Which isnt this one, obviously.

So Im ignoring the time scale thing and planning to sort my life out quickly and efficiently.Lesley said to think of it as by the time Im 22 I could be well on my way....which I spose is better and in the grand scheme of life I guess 2 years is only a tiny bit. But when you consider that Ive been seeing the brain doc since I was 16 it is practically half my life that I have wasted being nearly almost mad.

Ok so It hasnt been a total waste of time, since I have learnt a lot about life and gained understanding and empathy and grown into the person that I am today and blahh blah blah, but still I dont recommend going nearly mad. Try and stay sane if you can. So Iv got my happy pills and psycho pills and the doc seems to think I can make a good full recovery if I keep up the good work. Yay.

So although my life may have gone slightly wrong or not as planned, I am just reminding myself that I am doing things, I am trying hard, and I have come far in my recovery. When Ive seen the brain doctor before I dont remember saying anything other than that I wanted to die, hopefully soon, and trying desperately to wriggle my way out of that chair as soon as poss.

This time I waffled a lot and he had to politely ask me to leave because he had other patients to see. I just wanted to say how much better I am and how hard Im trying, and hoped he would tell me to go an get a job....but instead Im going to spend a little while longer feeding goats and splattering paint on some paper. I am not lazy and I am determined to find a meaning for my existance.

I am still here and still trying hard and actually I am proud of myself and everything thats happened has made me strong, and i only plan on getting stronger, thank you very much.

Try

Tomorrow is a brand new day. Starting from tomorrow im gonna do life properly. I need to try a bit harder.

Busy

Life is good and I have lots of dreams and aspirations and goals. This is a very positive change compared to the long years I've spent just waiting for the universe to swallow me up.

My mind is buzzing with creative ideas, paintings, projects, words. Trouble is I cant focus on one of them long enough to get anything done. I start something and then get distracted and start something else. This is making things quite disordered and untidy,my sleep patterns all over the place, i leave a trail of mess behind of wonky sketchpads and paintbrushes and bits of paper with scribbles on.

Still, I feel that whilst I have the brain cpacity to be thinking of these things, I ought to be doing something about it before it runs out. But my body doesnt have the energy and it is so frustrating!!

My head keeps going blank and i just need to have a rest. And I cant relax because then I start thinking again and tell my self to get up and get on with something. I want to keep busy to stop myself just sitting around. I hate sitting around.

Being in the company of others is exhausting, even friends or family. I find focusing on a conversation difficult,and even my voice starts to hurt if Ive been chatting for a bit.

I get lonely but its mostly my own fault, because I dont make a lot of plans to see anyone. Even if I want to, I know how exhausting it is and i worry that i am terrible company!. But luckily anyway I am normally more than happy to be in Lauraland doing art or cat-ladying or something like that.

Voice in my head is always saying Im so lazy, a failure, which makes me think I should get up and get out there and stop wasting my life. I really want to get up and get out there. I have all the get up just not enough go.

I feel like I have a running commentary of my life in my head, and im having lots of conversations with myself at once in my head. I dont mind but it makes it quite hard to concentrate on one thing at once.

At least i am trying to be productive, even if not successfully.

Ipod on LOUD to drown out the inner mumbling
Started the washing up.
Doing a painting, well actually about 6 on the go
Have half hoovered
Moved all mess into bedroom so flat looks tidy
Learning John Lemon imagine on guitar.
Books lying open and unread
Cold hands, gloves, Coffee.
have done some blogging and
Ernie just fell off the windowsill. Lol.

Replacement Post

I am sitting at The Funny Farm, and just spent about an hour typing my blog post, and then I accidentally deleted it. I am VERY ANNOYED so Im going out for a cigarette and may come back in a bit to re-write. I cant remember what i was writing about but it was definitely very important.

Absolute nightmare.

ARGGHHH I dont have any fags with me.
And everyone here today is either old and sleeping or old and knitting or old and mumbling.
I hope there are some cooler people in tomorrow. We are just a bunch of loners sitting in a room, rather than a group of people soicialising. I am in my own little world with ipod blasting in ears.

I worry that the more time I spend here the more social skills Im going to lose until having a real conversation with real people in real life is going to be impossible. Not that I am making much effort to make friends.

I am so annoyed about deleting what I had written. Going to go and breathe for a minute.

Return of the Cat Lady

Yesterday was good.
Today has been awful.
Life is so random. Or maybe just balanced?

I was sleepy last night but wide awake, trying to wake myself up enough to get busy and tire myself out enough to sleep. i ended up going to sleep upside down on my bed at 5 am and not waking up until 4 this after noon.

It was dark when I went to sleep and dark when I woke up.

I couldnt work out what day it was. I didn't know if I had missed yoga or TFF or art therapy. I kept falling back to sleep.

Eventually have dragged myself up.

Does anyone have any advice on cats?

Bernie are the naughtiest cats I have ever known.
They wee wherever they fancy. They especially like to wee on their bed, again, straight after I have washed it and dried it from last time.
I shut them out my room and they can jump up to the handle and let themselves in, and wee on my bed.
They poop outside the litter tray, or opposite. Or sometimes wherever they like. They pee in anythin box-shaped, or on thier blankets.

They steal my paintbrushes and chew them up, they stand on my paintings and blob little blue paw prints all over my brown sofa. They punch my bin until it falls over and rubbish falls out, and they jump on the worktop and eat the dishcloth. I tell them off every time and go and get them down or sometimes flick water at them.

THEY DONT CARE! They just stare at me and then do it again

And this is really starting to get on my nerves. Unfortunately though I also find them quite endearing when they are flicking my pen or chasing eachother with paintbrushes in thier mouths.

I am febreezing and pooper scooping and scrubbing and litter-tray changing all the time...

I do the litter tray thing where you're sposed to pick them up if they start peeing and plonk them in the litter tray. I do this and they squirm and pee everywhere, and by the time they're in the litter tray they have stopped peeing and just hop out and give me evils.

It's not a good feeling when you open your bedroom door and are hit with the nose tingling waft of cat poo.

I go straight to the litter tray to dispose but there is no poo in the litter tray. This means one of 3 things...That Bert and Ernie really stink, That thier is an accident hidden in some obscure place that Im now going to have to find, or that I am evernearing my fate of the stinky bonkers Cat Lady.
i hope its not the third one.
I think it might be a combo of all 3. Though I am trying to steer myself away from CatLadydom and further into the realm of normalness and success.

So after 10 minutes of hunting and febreezing, still no treasure but gave up ad decided to have a shower. There is a poo in the bath. Start cleaning.

Suddenly very tired and exhausted. Need to sit down. Suddenly Bert and Ernie just seem really annoying even though they are snuggled up all cute and fluffballs.

Have a coffee. Have a cigarette. Feel like a different person to who I was yesterday.

Yesterday I was clean and dressed in nice clothes and painting and cookng and dancing around. I met Abnormal Andrew out for a drink and had a catch up.

Today is like a snapshot of the past. 5pm, scowly face, dressing gown, slippers, fag in hand. Another coffee. Mind buzzing but face blank. Stress about mess but too overhwelmed to clear it up.

I tried doing some cleaning, kept dropping things so made more of a mess. Did some more to my painting and bodged it up

But actually I thought, this doesnt mean its all gone wrong. Everyone has good days and bad days. So Im taking a moment out and just writing in my blog.. because that always makes me feel better.

So actually something has come out of this because I've been sitting down to blog but not had the focus to write anything all weekend.

Just taking a few deep breaths before going to clean the bathroom and have my shower, and do something productive.

Kitty's

Just had a MASSIVE cuddle with Bert and Ernie. Lush.

My Recovery

The Choice

Let go of the noose you hold in your hand,
Feel it melt between your fingers and slip away like sand.

Wipe away the sleepy dust nd open up your eyes, feel your soul just turn to dust then swirl around inside.
Breathe in breathe deep and breathe it out. Slow. Breathe in again expand your lungs and then finally let go.
Breathe slow. Breathe deep into soul, into your fingers and your toes, mouth and nose, flow. Feel your heart pumping your lungs thumping, so calmly. Moment by moment, breath by breath, take a step back from your reflection, see what could be true perfection. step outside your outer state and listen to your heart beat. Beat. Beat. Beat. And it will keep beating, with every breath you take.

The conflict all around can drift along outside, flicker with the tide, stand strong in your core,  life is just a series of moments, forever and ever more. And each moment will pass. So keep breathing. Breathe in.....and breathe out again.

Do this once, and do it properly. Go somewhere, alone. Somewhere open where you cant be found...Start screaming, start shouting. Fill your lungs with the noise trapped inside your core, feel your voice transpire into whisps of shadows of trapped words. Scream and shout and let it all out. Dont be scared, be free, shout as if this moment is the pinaccle of moments, where you hear your voice less meekly. Smile inside and breathe out the dust, your heart is still beating. Breathing.

Start to laugh, feel it rise in your belly. Laugh out loud even if you look like a nelly, as if you've just won a brand new telly or been served a great big plate of jelly, or just seen an enormous flying welly

Start from this moment, just start over again. Start being who you want to be, who you should have been, doesnt matter where youve been, now you're clean. Throw away the emptiness, dont stay in bed all day, get up get out and start to live, give yourself a chance at life, believe it wont always be full of strife.

See colours and hope, untie the rope, start climbing up it. Keep climbing higher, even when you are tired..just have a break and come back re-wired. Don't give up. Don't ever give up.

Bad days will come, just let them pass you by. Start again another day and slowly the pain will wash away, start today. Dont be afraid. When the whole world seems to be crashing down, remember there is always someone who might want you around. Turn around, start again. Make some friends.

Do things you find difficult with the aim of moving forward. Don't take good feelings for granted, treasure every moment, hold onto it and breathe it in and lock it somewhere deep within. Start to smile, let it become a grin, dont worry about being too fat or too thin, just go for it. Believe you could win. Take things on the chin and come back fighting stronger, start writing, keep typing, not so many tears to be wiping.

Speak out a bit louder with a clearer voice, add some colour, start making choices, dont believe all the negative voices. When you've messed things up dont be so hard on yourself for being wrong, just learn from it to make you strong.

Start to take some pride in who you are. Learn to love yourself before expecting anyone else to love you. Have some self-respect. Cook yourself some dinner and dont forget to eat, dont go out with your clothes inside out or slippers on your feet. Dont go out with your hair or tassled, brush it, or cut it off to save the hassle. Take the meds the doctor gave you, give them a go, dont expect them to save you.

Follow your dreams as distant as they seem, and just push on. You cant go wrong, if you only try your best. Get some zest for life and a sense of adventure. Get something really lovely, something that brings you calm and loves you on your bad days. Something like a teddy or a friend or a plant or a goldfish to help you on your journey. I got Bert and Ernie.

Just start to be you. You will pull though. And you will grow, into the person you were here to be, somebody free. Believe that its true, even if it seems so out of reach to you. Remember who you were the day when things felt right, start to fly a kite or ride your bike or play an instrument or sing, answer the phone, dont panic when it rings.

Understand that your life is up to you. The only person who will always be with you, is the person in the mirror staring at you. Look into thier eyes and stop looking through.

sleepy

Had a good weekend though been cream crackered. Spent Sunday trying to exhaust myself enough to sleep well tonight and then be up on time for appointment at M.E clinic tomorrow.

As it happens I have just managed to exhaust myself enough to not be able to do much but not enough to sleep/ So Im wiiiide awake, and I wouldnt mind if I could get into something to pass the time...but im too tired to do that. So time is going vvveeerrryyy slllooowwwlly......this kinda sucks.But on the plus side if I manage to stay awake til the morning and all of monday then i will hopefully sleep better mon night.

Overthinking your sleep pattern and worrying about not getting sleep can keep you awake

A prayer

Dear God,
Its Laura here. Ive not spoken to you in a very long time. I dont believe you are really as powerful or as good as you think you are, and quite frankly im not sure if you even exist really, only as an idea to give people some sort of hope or meaning or answers.

But on the teeny tiny miniscule off chance that you do exist, somehow, maybe as lots of gods or as Allah or Buddha or Jesus or whatever, or just as the flow of the universe some sort of supernatural aura..i thought now would be a good time to have a chat.

I have a few bones to pick with you and i wont lie, based on the last few years i have been completely unimpressed and disatisfied by your undivine non-intervenention

Now if Im honest, i dont believe that you have much if any control over the world or our lives, i think my future is pretty much down to me...but should you be there somewhere along the way, I'd like you to know that I am working bloody hard to try and get myself well and living a good purposeful life, and I dont really appreciate all the obstacles in the way or illnesses that I seem powerless to control. So if you are able to do anything to make this easier, please please work your magic.

If you are so good and powerful and amazing, why do you let so many good people suffer, and so many bad people have it all cushdy? Also, why did you make hearts so breakable. Surely if you made them a bit more durable there would not be so much heartache in the world.

I lilke that you give millions of people hope and faith and determination to keep going. I miss having faith in you and believing that you will make everything ok. I hope you know that I always try my best to be a good person and I want my life to be worthwhile. i hope it doesn't offend you that i say swear words sometimes and i dont go to Church.

I used to talk to you a lot, and trust in you, and go to Church, and read the Bible and sing the right songs...but Im afraid you let me down, i trusted you to help me and you didnt. So if I make it to Heaven you probably owe me and about 6 billion others an apology.

I am not sorry to you for any of the bad things I have done. I have been sorry to other people and sorry for myself, but not to you....unless you are sorry in return for the state ive been in and no doing much to help. In hindsight, all the bad decisions ive made and bad times have always taught me something or made me stronger, in the end. You did not make me stronger. I found the strength in myself.

So now that Ive got that off my chest, and after I have told you quite bluntly that I am not your biggest fan, Im going to be cheeky and ask for a favour. As you're supposed to be all loving of every single human being and it doesnt matter what I do, I figured this would be ok.

I dont know if its down to you or me or the help ive had, or maybe a mixture, but i am so greatful that the last few months of life have been easier than they have been in years. I've felt so much better, happier, more free. Ive felt like I might have a future and that I could really be somebody and it wont always be this hard. Obviously you know exactly what Im talking about if you are indeed god.

So just incase you are at work somewhere...I wanted to say a little prayer asking if things could stay like this, please. I know life will always have its ups and downs, but i have enjoyed being able to cope and would love for this inner strength and good fortune and positivity to continue.

You see god, just the last few days, ive started to feel more tired, more achey, and a little more nervous. ive been less focused and more fuzzy, and today I cried quite a lot. God, I am terrified of that aching hole i get in my chest, and the darkness that descends and the emptiness returning.

I am going to do all that I can to keep myself well, and keep mental illness at bay. This is a prayer that you would do your bit too, if you have a bit to do. I know ive got some problems and things to work on but honestly I am trying so so hard to find ways to cope with life and i would really appreciate any help you can offer.

Ive had a ittle taste of who I am and the llife I could have being well....I am completely and utterly terified that i might wake up one day and it will all be gone. I'll be lost again and lonely and desperate inside.

Thought I should just check in with you to make sure ive done everything I can to keep things going well. Dont be offended if you dont hear from me again in a while...just know that I'll be trying my best.

Also whilst Im saying a prayer, please could you help Bert and Ernie to stop toileting in inappropriate places, stop my brother from being in so much pain, look after all the lovely people who go to TFF and seem to get way too much shit thown at them, and please could you just spread a smile over the world so that everyone can feel a bit happier.

Cheers then, orAmen or whatever,

Laura x

drunk

I have a hangover. I never get hangovers. I have been sick and I am hot and cold and dizzy and I am never drinking again. This is self-inflicted ofcourse, so there's no point feeling sorry for myself. I just never know when to stop! I dont like alcohol very much now.

Rambling at TFF

This is probably going to be rambly, probably boring and useless too so I wont be offended if yo choose not to read. You probably have better things to do. But I just fancied a ramble. I am sitting at a computer at TFF, we have computers now! so I thought I'd do a bit of bloggering.
I got here at 2.30 today (supposed to be here at 9.30)...my head just seems to be a bit all over the place. But I met Marie for lunch which was nice, even though I have run out of money. Then Meg turned up. Then they left and I just didnt know what to do with myself so I came up here for a bit. Im not sure if Im allowed to do that really, but nobody seemed to mind. I just wanted not to be at home and to be around people, even if I dont talk to them. Makes me feel more normal. And now i am blogging.

Ive been feeling so good recently and excited about life but I am scared that maybe it wont last. I keep putting off going to sleep because I dont want to go to sleep and wake up feeling different. I just want to keep the momentum going. SO Ive been painting and writing and designing and being sociable and i even tidied and cleaned yesterday since my place was becoming pretty disgustingly messy. But staying up for 3 days straight is probably not good. I must remember to try and keep a balance.

Ive just been feeling positive and upbeat and like life is fun...which is great! But inside I am starting to feel just a bit tired, and outside my body is very tired. But I just cant seem to stop! Part of me wants to lay down and take the weight off my legs and go to sleep, the other part just wants to keep on going incase sleeping is wasting my life. But dont panic, I am not heading for a downer, I just got to balance things out...so not get too carried away, and not just give up. Somewhere in the middle is good.

The M.E is starting to get to me. Where Ive been ill for so long with mental health, depression, BPD whatever you want to call it, the tiredness has been a big issue but almost just part of the whole thing. i didnt have any energy or motivation to do anything, I was tired and achey, so I would just stay in bed for days.
Now that I want to get up in the morning, and do things and go places and keep busy, I have really started to notice the M.E more and I dont like it at all. I just want to go go go, but after a few hours doing anything I am shattered and fighting to stay up. My hands seem to stop working if I am painting or typing, my head is still buzzing, so I'll try doing something else but Im too tired for that too. I end up just sitting on my bed, in a world of my won, fighting off sleep but too achey to move, just planning all the things I will do after my rest. And it never feels like I have had much of a rest.

I hate it. But I have realised I am not lazy. I dont think lazy people can suffer from M.E...I used to be sooo busy, and then i got hit by it and I just had no energy anymore. I think its like total burn out...I think you can only get M.E if your someone who is just on the go, one things after the other, cant relax, worries a lot...and then just burns out. Because the people who I've talked to who suffer from it are definitely not lazy people. And I have so many hopes and dreams and interests, that I dont think I am either.

But I beat myself up for it all the time, GET UP YOU SILLY CAT LADY. I am trying to fight it. Im not sure if that is what I should be doing to overcome it or if I should just succumb to its achey exhausted curse....Have an appointment at the clinic on Monday so this might help me with managing it better. It is hard to manage it also living on my own. Things like carrying shopping up the stairs, moving furniture, cleaning...sometimes I just dont have the energy. and OMG, how heavy is cat litter? and cat food? I am such a pathetic weak little peanut it kills me carrying that stuff up the stairs.

Its quite hard to have a balance when your head changes a lot, and I think it is hard when you live on your own. I was thinking about this last night, that maybe the longer I live on my own the more I will become a cat lady and the less sociable I will be. And although I am mostly pretty happy with Bert and Ernie for company, sometimes it gets to me. I wake up and im on my own. I eat on my own. I get on with stuff on my own. I go to bed on my own. It can get a bit lonely.

But at the same time, sometimes I want company and I have friends that i could call or hang out with, but I just find it so much effort sometimes to be around people. i am so self conscious and I worry about what I am going to say or if I am going to be rubbish company. SO sometimes I dont say much. Sometimes my voice and throat just feels too tired and talking is really hard! And I sometimes know what to say in my head but it all comes out wrong.

I am a bit scared that maybe I am talking too much when i do see people, because I dont talk to anyone otherwise, except myself or the cats. And then I dont want to be annoying. But I do need to make sure that I do tlak to real human beings from time to time, even if I am happy pottering about at home.

The chain on my door has broken and I dont know how that happened, but I have rung the housing to get it fixed. It's pretty silly, there is a locked front door, 2 flights of stairs and then a lock on my door, but without the chain I have been quite paranoid that someone is going to burst in at any minute and attack me. But I know it is in my head, but it doesnt stop me worrying.

I have been forgetting to take my tablets, and i ran out. But I am getting some more tomorrow. So that should hopefully sort me out with the sleeping and stuff and all these worries.

But generally, things are just so good at the mo, keeping busy, doing stuff. We are starting lots of new groups and activities at TFF which is exciting, I went along to singing last week, theres going to be lots of arts and crafts and projects which will hopefully be something to burn my energy on and stop me being wriggly and then I can feel a bit more even.

Everyone that has seen my hair says it looks really nice, even though I havent really been too bothered but now when I catch sight of myself in the mirror, Im like oh yeah thats me?! Before, I would think, who is that? So it feels much more right cut off short, a fresh start, and makes me feel kinda arty and cool and look less liek a 12 year old. Its great just wasking up in the morning and not having to do anything with my hair, i dont even brush it and it just looks kinda cool. Yay me.

This evening I am set to go out bowling with Meg and her boyfriend Graham. And both his brothers, his parents, thier land lady and her children. Yeah I didnt know there would be all those people going but Ive agreed to go, because It should be fun. I just hope we're not out too late as it gets to a point when my brain stops communicating with my body and my legs dont want to move and my fingers go all clumsy, I'll start dropping everything.But apparantly bowling is only £2 a game, and a pint is 1.50. So as I only have £10 in my purse I figured this would be a good way to make the most of it. Thats a game of bowling 4 drinks, so maybe I will just get really drunk and then sleep well tonight.

I should also be sensible though. My medication and alcohol dont seem to like each other very much. Always a laugh though. It's good that Im going out, doing stuff, keeping busy. I know Im not really talking about anything on here but I love how blogging just helps me offload.

I like blogging here at Whitfield, I can concentrate a lot better. No cats sipping my coffee and sitting on the keyboard and attacking my feet. Cushdy.  Out the window I can see Chloe and Amy, the girly goats. They are lovely. I keep seeeing cats everywhere though out the corner of my eye. Its pretty miserable outside, it definitely brings me down when the weather is grey like this. But it has just finished raining and now the sun is coming out. I like the sun coming out.

Art Day

Today I had an art day at my table with my Bernies and practised using some watercolours. 

Everyone should have a go at painting, it is so fun. Some people say they are hopeless at art, but seriously its easy. The method I use is i like to make pictures by just choosing colours, and making shapes and marks on the page, swirling it together and just keep going until your picture starts to look like something. 

Today I did some pictures using this very sophisticated and artistically correct method. 

I'm also not sure if they only actually look like anything to me, so it is a bit scary putting photos up, incase everyone else just sees a big scribble that is ugly. I dont want my pictures to be ugly. Although the thing i love about art is that what is ugly to one person is beautiful to another...

And the main thing is painting is fun, so it doesnt matter if people dont like your art or think its silly because it is yours and you had fun doing it...Im not sure if these are finished or just started or what really yet, but here are some pictures of my pictures.

Hair Cut

SO here's the deal. Life has been feeling grrreat and ive been buzzing with plans for the future as i now have my whole life ahead of me. I dont feel completely lost anymore, the big whole in my chest seems to be shrinking and i just feel more grounded. Im not worrying all the time, but I am doing things. I feel more like a real person, like the last few years of my life have been a hazy dream. It has made me realise that actually, i am not just a weak, broken, lost little girl, but actually I have been really poorly!

I forgot what life was like outside of Depression. I thought this was just the way I am. It is hard to remember a time when I actually felt that I had a chance at life, that I didnt dread everyday, that i didnt hate myself so much i just wanted everything to stop. That hurt and pain...the darkness. Its fading. Yay.

So, naturally, i got the impulsive urge to cut my hair off. And now I fear that Cat Lady may have gone slightly bonkers, so I need to calm down a notch. I have so many ideas that I dont know where to start. I think its just the excitement of feeling more like a real person.

Ive had this nagging voice for about a week, the impulse to shave my head and then let it all grow back. The feeling that this will make me more real if I can see my head and know that it is really still there. The slightly nightmarish bit is that I havent really been sleeping, and Ive found myself in the bathroom at 6am, scissors in hand, with the incredible urge and compulsion to cut my hair off. But I have restrained myself from acting on this urge.

Up until yesterday, when I had a busy day. I did some cleaning and ironing for my friends parents (ive started working! Earning myself some money), then meeting a friend for lunch and feeling calm in the middle of a public place. I actually sat in a cafe and ate a sandwhich, surrounded by people, and then I went to the till and paid. And I was smiling and I didnt try to hide my face or look at the floor. I didnt shake when I was talking, or avoid contact with every human being. And then I met my brother briefly and joined him for a chat and a cig. (the sherbert Lemons never really took off).

And then I wanted to go and see Meg because I have been a crap friend recently, just terrible at returning calls or remembering plans and so wrapped up in doing my own thing because I can and because I have the motivation and I can. But by then I was so totlaly exhausted, legs achey, brain starting to fuzzle, that i thought it best I go home back to Bernie where I could regain composure.

So I got home and locked the door and went straight to the bathroom, picked up the scissors, and started hacking away at my hair. And  And by then I didnt quite feel real. I felt like I was watching someone else in the mirror, a blank face. And the more I cut the shorter I wanted it. So I turned away from the mirror and just started snipping as it felt appropriate. Although mayeb this whole thing was entirely inapproprriate.

And then I picked up a lady bikini trimmer for your special area which I found at the back of my stuff cupboard and just zapped a whole section of my head hair right off.

Bert and Ernie started meowing at me, and then I bumbled about the flat for an hour or so, tidying and cutting things out of a mag and putting them in a tin and dancing around to Justin Timberlake. And then i went back in the bathroom and saw the most beautiful, shiny, radiant red locks of hair scattered all over the floor. In the sink, all over the bathroom. And I realised it was mine.

Its odd that Ive never really paid too much attention to my hair, and yet now, here it was just looking like such nice hair on the floor.

I looked in the mirror and talked to the stranger staring back at me, moving her head from side to side. One side of her hair just past the shoulders, the other side short and sticking up. It was like having a conversation with 2 different people. 3 if you include me. My left face looked like a 20year old woman, a bit quirky and arty with a nose stud and funky hair. She looked more grown up. Her eyes looked wide,green. Bright, vibtant, shaped like almonds. And I looked deep into them in the mirror and shook hand with her soul for a moment. She smiled.

My right face looked softer, paler against a thick flicker of red hair that hid parts of her face and tassled in knots on her shoulders. Her reflection of hair in the mirror seemed so much more limp and dead than the wavy golden shiny locks I picked up from the sink and held in my hand. Her eyes looked frightened, dulled, searching. She looked like a lost little girl.

My poor neighbour Hollie is a saint for putting up with me. There's been superglue incidents and self-harm incidents and moving my firniture round and getting trapped in a corner behind a bed and a cupboard incidents and dragging me out of cave and pyjamas and dressing gown incidents because apparantly it is not normal to hibernate for weeks at a time. And now the hair hacking incident.

Luckily, I was in a pretty peachy mood, and as I was due to go out with Hollie at 8 to see Tin Tin at the cinema (good film btw, how do they make animation look that good? its amazing)....anyway, I knocked on her door which is exactly 5 steps across the corridor from my door and asked of she could sort me out.
SO out come more scissors and, although I love her dearly, and she snipped away entirely on my encouragement, I think this made the situation a whole lot worse.

So we left it and I played with my hair for a bit (using bits on the floor to make a beard and mostauche etc) and then i went to the cinema sporting a very strange hairstyle, but luckily it is dark in there.

And this is the weird bit...
I didnt wake up this morning and go to the mirror and cry...
  I woke up this morning and had this vague recollection of hair getting snipped, tidied up, put on a coat anda hat, and went to the hairdressers where a nice lady sorted me out. Normally I hate the hairdressers, sitting in front of a mirror trying to avoid eye contact with both myself and the reflection and the hairdresser. Having to talk to a random person about Eastenders and non-existant holidays and the weather. And not even being able to look in the mirror when theyve finished the hair cut and ask if its ok, so just saying yeah. But the lady was nice and we had a right giggle about hair catastrophes. I couldnt really afford to get it cut but its done now.

 And now I have short hair and its kind of funky but I feel quite naked. Im not too bothered about it, I just hate that bit when you go out and someone says "oh youve had a haircut" and you're like "really?". I dont like people looking at me, I never know what they're thinking.

But anyway, its done now, and on the plus side it is getting cold out so i can always wear a hat, and I have a nice collection of raggy bits of material and ribbons that I like to tie round my head and this might improve the general look. But I feel a bit like I have just reinvented myself, which is cool. I just hope I dont sort of wake up soon and regret it. It will always grow back I guess.

Have I gone mad?
Does it even matter if Im happy? I dont know if I look like a boy now, or a lesbian, or someone who has gone nuts and hacked thier hair out....but beauty is within anyway and now that my hair is less heavy i feel that my brain has more space to breathe. I just hope I dont regret it when I have to face people I know and they look at me funny and I realise I have brought attention to myself and.....it will grow back anyway so doesnt matter. The point is I feel more me on the inside, even if I look like someone else on the outside. Although maybe that reflection is the real me?

Anyway, Im rambling. I feel brand new, like a baby with not much hair and now it can all grow back, and my life can begin again, as the new me. SO I am saying goodbye to the frightened wide eyed green eyed girl, and goodbye to the non-life dithering cat lady, and shouting at her voices to fuck off because I am worth something despite what they tell me....and saying Hello to a whole new chapter in Laura's Locket.

Best is yet to come :-)

A Cat's Life

Here are some of the recent adventures of Bert and Ernie...

Bert was still sulking since falling off the table. Ernie was still in hysterics.

The boys were very happy with thier new bed and blankets

Even though Ernie was twice the size of Bert, he couldnt resist pestering him  for a piggyback

The boys packing up before they got sold on Amazon

The boys remembered thier own plastic bags before heading to Tesco

ABRACADABRA!

Manic

I've been meaning to blog for days about lots of things, but the problem seems to be that i have milllions of brilliant ideas but forget them very quickly, and also cant decide which one to do.
I have about 6 different pieces of half finished art on the go, and lots of half written blog posts. I want to do a massive painting on a canvas, play my guitar, learn some new songs, write some songs, blog, write poetry, try my hand at some new crafts, read through the pile of books that is my reading list, and also hang out with friends. Ive also been making litlte videos of Bert and Ernie, called the Adventures of Bert and Ernie.
Maybe Ive gone a bit loopy, but it feels good so who cares?
Just need to be able to focus a bit. Just to say, dont panic, I have not abandoned my blog or got writers block. The opposite actually. The words keep flowing through my head I just havent been too good at writing them down, or when i do i cant write quick enough. But its ok, I can totally bring it together. Will post some pics and poems soon and get back onto the bloggering. SMILE :-D

Life

...its beginning to feel just so much better <3

Growing up

Today I met my brother's kitten Lirryal., She is soo cute and such a tiny little fluff ball that it made me realise that my boys arent kittens anymore, they are so big now. They have grown up so fast...Sniff sniff.
But i wouldnt change them for the world :)

Also have just been to Tescos, on my own, without having a nervy b. i writ a list and brought my own bags and even pushed a trolly, which normally i feel too silly to do incase i dont look normal enough to push a trolly. I think maybe i am growing up too.

Or at least trying to act like a grown up...and buying sensible things like some more diet coke, cat food, and the most amazing air freshener candle that smells of coconuts and changes all the colours of the rainbow, its so exciting.

Gawd im so sad...ahhh

Annoying

Ok dont hate me but i cant handle the guilt anymore

I just killed a fly.

I feel terrible about this. It was just annoying me so much, and Bernie kept leaping about trying to get it and it was upsetting them, and buzzing loudly, so i just sprung up and karate chopped it flat against the wall. And then I gasped in shock at my actions and said sorry to the fly. I gingerly peeled him off the wall and lovingly squished him between some tissue and tossed him into the bin, his place of rest.

Ive never purposely killed an animal before. Bert and Ernie looked really impressed with me though. I like to think I put the fly out of his misery...better to be splatted in an instant than played with and picked apart and chewed and spat out and chewed again by 2 kittens.

Any way i was just wondering, do flys have feelings?

Poltergeist

Today I have wasted most of the day losing my phone and then trying to find it again.

Im not normally too bothered about my phone, but i just had it in my hand and i havnt left the flat and then it has vanished. And Suddenly I felt like i needed to find my phone incase there was an emergency.

I looked in all the obvious places, on the sofa i was sitting on and under every cushion, in my bed, in the cupbards, washing machine, oven, fridge, bin, microwave, anywhere that I may have been likely to put it down.

Bert and Ernie had not stolen it. But its definitely missing. I think there is a naughty ghost or something living here with me...evil spirit or something. And the bugger keeps pinching my stuff. And then I started to think that maybe I was dead and stuck somewhere between heaven and hell where i was floating about looking for my phone but would never find it because i could no longer make contact with the outside world. 

I tried to send an email to my mum to ask her to ring my phone so that it would ding a ling and help me find it. But even my email stopped working, and then i was pretty sure i was dead. I was pretty calm, considering.

But i still wanted to find my phone so i carried on faffing around. I started picking things up off the floor that shouldnt have been on the floor, and putting things back where they should be, hoping i would find my nokia in the process.
This turned out to be a good this, as I have now finally tidied my flat and cleared up a bit.

And eventually, after 6 hours, i found my phone right at the bottom of the sofa. And I had already looked there twice with a torch. Definitely a naughty ghost.

No missed calls. No Messages.

And then I wondered why I had bothered spending so long looking for it. But at least i have done some housework in the process.

And that is what I have done today.

I have also done some painting.