Good Tidings

Hi
havent written for quite a while. havent had the energy or the time or the energy, or even the uncontrollable impulse for that matter, which is extreeemely weird for a creepy crazy blogging cat lady.

I am tired. I mean like proper tired. SO tired sometimes that it hurts my eyes to open them, it hurts my head to see, it aches my body to hold it upright. Some days I am finding it hard to walk.

Right now my fingers are shaky and numb, my knucles are purple with cold and my wrists ache just typing. The screen is hurting my eyes and my legs are very heavy but my feet are wriggling restlessly.My brain is ticking relentlessly.

Its not all bad though. I have some soothing music on to quieten down the noise, i have 2 pretty kitties cuddled up with me on my squishy cat-hairy sofa, roof over my head and keyboard to write with and a can of diet coke. Ive got things pretty cushdy, which makes me feel extrememly guilty.

I have things I need to do. Incase anyone hasnt noticed, it is nearly christmas. That Joyous time of year when you must face the busy crowds and scrape together your pennies and drag yourself to see people that you must see because it is christmas, and give carefully chosen presents to people who dont appreciate it. Hooray.

I love giving gifts and I love seeing family and friends with a smile, and i love roast potatoes. But I just dont have the energy that christmas requires, or the funds, or the non social anxiety. I also do not have the organization it requires to deliver cards on time, the concentration to sit and watch xmas films, or the patience to wrap bloody presents.

Bah humbug. I dont actually hate christmas. I think this year it will be fun. I just dread christmas.

I hate the build up to it. i hate the expectation it puts on families to come together and to give expensive things. I hate the commercial money making madness and the competition of who gave the best presents. I hate all the greed and the waste at christmas, and all the fake pretending of happy family and peaceful tidings to all.

and that song....”Feeeeed the woorrrld...Let them know its Christmas Time!”....why cant we feed the world all year round. Why does everyone pretend to be so nice at christmas? I think its becauseits nearly the end of the year and we have to feel that we are good kind human beings. I dont ant people to be nice at christmas. Why cant wejust be nice all year round, and share and feed the world and spread the joy and give little gifts here and there. Wh does it all save up until 25th December?

ANd I dont even believe in all that Jesus stuff so why am I even celebrating. BAHH HUmbUG.

But really,

I wish anyone reading this a very very merry christmas. And Also a happy 2012.

And I wont lie, because I am easily led and it is difficult to back out of christmas without seeming extremely selfish and unfestive and grinchy, I do have a piece of tinsel hanging up above my VW campervan picture, thanks to Wise Hollie, and I do have a pile of presents to wrap. And I am seeeriously looking forward to a day of fun and togetherness with lovely people and yummy food and crappy telly and laughing and... resting.



For anyone who is feeling the pressure this christmas, Here are Laura's top tips for a more manageable festive season:

Only buy presents for people who are going to appreciate it

Buy what you would like to give, not what the person expects or wants.

Dont feel guilty if you cant give a gift

If you cant afford to buy gifts...make them! cookies, a nice homemade card, knit something. Actions speak louder than words.

If you dont have the energy or time to make things, just give them a call, and let them know you are thinking of them.

Dont feel pressured to squeeze more in than you can cope with.

Relax and enjoy your time at christmas with the people who you choose, the people you like to be with.

(Sorry if this is terrible advice.... Im not an xmas expert or anything, its just off the top of my head..but this is whst Ive tired to do this year and Im having a merrier xmas than i have in years...with a smile!)

Festive Tidings Every body.

14/12/11

Today has been exhausting. I have learnt some lessons and cried lots if tears and been worried and hurt and angry and sad for someone and strong for someone.
To cut a long story short, ive had a friend staying with me the last few nights. This morning i saved her life. I dont think she appreciates it. I dont think she appreciates me. Its her 21st birthday tomorrow. Im glad she is still here.
Im glad i have realised that you cant always help people. Not if they dont want to help themselves. I have done all i can for her, for years. Our friendship consists of me giving, and her taking.
I have got to toughen up. Because i care about her, because i want to be her friend, i have realised i cant keep picking up the pieces of the messes she gets herself into.

The doctor said it could have been life threatening. I cried. She smiled.

I have been where she is. I got to a point where i realised the damage i was causing all around me. She seems to revel in it... I am so confused.

I feel too tired to keep fighting against her, she does exactly as she wants and gets angry at anyone who tries to tell her otherwise. I care about her so much, too much to keep looking out for her when she is not even looking out for herself, and has no respect for how anyone else is feeling.

I luv her too much to watch her kill herelf, ive already seen one friend do that... And i feel so guilty but i hink the kindest thing i can do now, is walk away.

I hope one day she will look back and realise i only ever tried to be her friend.
Im not sure if Im doing the right thing or not....i know she is angry at me for teling her the truth. I know, for once, i am doing the right thing for me...because I really cant handle all the drama she creates. I just dont know if Im doing the right thing for her..... what a day...exhausted.

If you are reading....I luv you. I know you probably hate me now. I just want you to get better. Please please please start helping yourself, i have helped you as much as I can and I wish I could do more but there is no-one in the world who can make these things better, but you. x

An Annallogy

I found a woman in the mirror,
She looked like someone brave.
She found a girl in her reflection
she found a girl in my reflection
I Found a girl in our reflection.
I found the woman in the haze,
I found a girl, I found a woman.
she stood thier uncertainly, lurching
She found a soul, I found her Self.
I found myself stood searching.




She found a girl in her reflection
Just rooted to the spot
She looked real, like how i felt
A person i'd forgot.
The little girl crawled back in her cave
The fear just started to rot.
She stood there staring
Intimidating
But wasnt scared anymore
The woman wasnt afraid no more
Of the broken faces and scars she saw
Not as red raw as they were before.
Perfections, imperfections
She met the whole collection
The people, the reflection,
I met me for a moment...
And then she was gone again.
Fragmented and blurry but perfectly sane
Still one brain.
She stood up tall, looked into the eyes
and vowed to break the chains.
I found my soul ablaze,
She found her in the haze
A woman looking brave.
A little girl flickered in a daze
Squirming through the mirror maze.
I felt like i was someone brave.
There stood a woman, she was brave.

My tinternets not working proper.

had a very productive week. Started off a bit dodge, got a bit more upset than I should have done, worried far too much and had to shut the world out for a bit and curl up in my bed.

But now its all k.

.....pulled myself together and simply startd again. Not as easy as I can make it sound, its actually very hard. But if you try hard enough you can do anything, probably.

What was it that brainy guy said-- In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. I think thats probably right.

I havent ran a marathon this week or climbed Everest or visited the moon, or gone to Ethiopa and fed the hungry...

Buuutttt I have heaved myself up in the mornings. got myself out, taken on board my therapy sessions, got to TFF on time, forced myself to spent time with good people instead of drowning in isolation, tidied up my flat and also gotten on top of important grown up electicity-bills-and-groceries-car-tax-discs-and-post-reading-and-other-shit things that I should really do all the time but it takes a lot of energy, since it means having to focus in grown up mode for a useful amount of time. Since im only a kid, really. Old smelly Cat Lady. Im confused.

For some reason which I have forgotten, I was reading (I never read, I write...reading is hard,) but anyway I was reading about epilepsy, and now it makes a lot of sense to use my new knowledge of epilepsy to write an allanogy of my brain..annalogy? Alonagy? Aloonagy? you get what I mean...

Just to confirm, I do not have epilepsy. I sometimes have weird blackouts and seizures, but touch wood hasnt happened in a couple years. Weirdly enough since the doc told me to eat more salt... They normally tell u to cut down. But now i sprinkle salt on things and it seems to keep me conscious.

its somethhing to do with my bloood pressure is funny, i dunno...i had to go for a test where I got strapped to a table and tilted upwards until I passed out... great fun. Not.
its also happened when I was on a Christian Camp back in the God days and dont remember much other than an ambulance ride and they said i was dehydrated

Cant win really as it also happened when I was overhydrated and toxicated myself with water, according to the tilt table man. But anyway this was a few years ago and is completey off the point.

I also blacked out and started fitting and screaming when I didnt react well to getting my tongue pierced, but this is embarassing and pretty much self-inflicted if you take the man with a big needle out of the equation.. . But anyway, this is irrelevent.

What i was going to say is, It is very hard to control something that you feel you have no control over. For example, diabetics cant control thier body when having a seizure, Epileptics cant control a fit, alcholics cant control thier thirst.

But a diabetic can control thier diabetes, epilepsy can be controlled with treatment, an alcoholic can control whether they reach for another bottle.

You have to be strong and determined and do the things that are going to help you. Its hard. You cant always control how it makes you feel, but you do have a choice in deciding what you do about it.

People have seizures when the electrical signals in the brain misfire. The brain's normal electrical activity is disrupted by these overactive electrical discharges.

Baby aminals :)

A happy bunny wabbit

People can suffer from depression or anxiety or PTSD or BPD or D.I.D or whatever...when something in thier brains just stops working as it should. Sometimes a lot of pressure or trauma or stress can disrupt the normal functioning of the brain. Sometimes It can just shut down, or has to malfuncion to find new ways to cope, which can make you start acting a bit weird and stop you from living the life you had hoped for.

Contrary to popular belief, it is not a choice to have an addiction, or to be depressed or not cope or simply shut down, or to have M.E. If there was an off switch I would always turn it off. But there isnt, it is what it is.... but you dont just have to accept it. This is where you have a choice.

I never want it. I always hate it.
Sometimes it gets the better of me.
Sometimes I can fight it.

You ar the only person who can make the difference.

Sometimes it feels like I am losing control. I feel trapped in my body, Im screaming inside to not feel how I do or act how I do but I dont have the energy to fight it.

But I am learning to take control.

Its making me feel much better. Its also making me more tired. But its better to be tired at the end of the day because youve been working hard, than tired at the end of the day because your sick of how things are and hate yourself for not having the energy to fix it.

So Im finding the balance between accepting it, and taking control of it. Im done with denying it, and pretending Im ok and suffering in silence. Im done with wallowing in it and being afraid and waiting for someone to rescue me.

Im putting the pieces together.

So Im starting to take control. In the midst of life's struggles it can be very hard to take control. But ultimately it is the only way things are ever going to change.

A Hot Dog

It can be scary watching someone have an epileptic seizure. The person may lose consciousness or seem unaware of what's going on. They might start making movements that they have no control over, or experience unusual feelings or sensations, such as unexplained fear. After a seizure, he or she may feel tired, weak, or confused.

This is the best analogy I can think of for what it can be like to suffer from a mental illness. Also for M.E, which inacse you dont know what that means, it means Myalgic Encephalopathy. And incase u dont know what that means....well im not sure either. Google might know. I dont even know how you say that word. But thats what ive got an its a pain in the bum to say the least...and the brain fog and occasional psychosis and malfunctioned fight or flight mechanism, with the anxiety and panic attacks and blurry slurry whizzing thoughts makes for a lovely cocktail of uncontrollable movements and unexplained feelings and sensations....

So with the aloonagy, although its competely dfferent, its a lot like Epilepsy in the effect it can have. Most people know what that word means so i thought it could help to understand...makes sense to me anyway.

Meow

I wouldnt blame an eplieptic for having a fit. Its not their fault. In hindsight, they may wish that they hadnt continued looking at the screen for so long, had so many late nights recently, or skipped so many meals... but its still not thier fault.


Im trying to apply this to myself. A few days where I felt that it was too hard to face the world, to scary to get out of bed, or more energy than i could muster to follow through with the plans I had made.....does not mean I have failed.

A babby HogHedge Curled Up in a Little Ball :)

Im tired of beating myself up about it.
i also need to stop worrying so much. i worry that i should be able to switch it off, that it means i am weak. i worry about how other people may percieve it.
This is pointless and silly and Im going to try and stop caring so much.

I know that I am trying. I couldnt live with myself if I wasnt! I wouldnt want that life...I am trying really hard.


I am the only one who knows who I am, how I feel, or what I need or dont need. If people think that Im being lazy, or choosing to not make an effort...then quite frankly that is thier problem and thier ignorance. I need to remember this.

Laura is taking control and taking responsibility and making some changes.

I am strong. I will rpove it to myself. I already did this morning when I got up and went out and did the things I told myself I would.

I can pull myself together.
I can take control.

Oh... And as discussed earlier, Just because someone has a seizure does not necessarily mean that person has epilepsy, though.
Just because I currently suffer from mental illness does not mean I am mental..like ive said before, I think everyones pretty normal. Just human really.

For some people with epilepsy, the seizures eventually become less frequent or disappear altogether. Im hoping this will also apply to things that I struggle with too.

Ahhh,love writing in my blog and coming out with useless philosphocilical things that make me seem like someone wise :)

Life is what you make it. Not what your limitations make it. Just hold on!

Spel check

Bert and Ernie have been chopped. They have been very brave and seem to be recovering already.
Made a crimbo dec at TFF. This is quite an achievement as usually hate xmas.

Saw this poem and had to share it!! Now a bit worried that my spell check doesnt make much difference.

Bed soon.

The Spell Chequer.

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a quay and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
It's rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
It's letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Martha Snow

Useless Blabber

If you are reading ths blog post and think it might be interestng, i'll save you the bother and tell you now that it will probably be very boring and contain nothing useful or even remotely interesting. It wwill possibly contain something about cats and give you some useless knowledge about the life of a cat-lady, which is probably not the mos exciting sort of life to read abbobut,,, I only relly type because i like typing and it helps my head, i dont really read so i dont know if i write anything worth reading...but if i ever do then this is not going to be one of those times beacuse I am reeeeally tired

Have had a busy but good few days, now absolutely and totally exhausted, so pleased to be in the warm with my kittys and put my feet up. This is so incredibly boring but it is such a relieff,

Good few days. Have been sociable, ventured out last night and had a few drinks with some friends. It was really nice to go out and feel ok. Once Im out with people Im ok.... it is the thought of going out and getting there and getting back, and the worry of whether I will get anxious or the exhaustion is overwhelming that sometimes stops me. but once im out I can push my way through it

But I talked mysefl out of wanting to sleep and ended up enjoyig myself. Hardly slept but was up this morning to drop mum at the station and then came back to feed Bernie and then mustered up the energy to go to Whitfields. Annoyingly I had been fine fine fine until i got to TFF and for some unknown reason went a bit nervy and couldnt talk to anyone and just wanted to go home but i still had to go into town and do important grown up stuff at the bank, pop in to see Hollie and babby Flo, and then go out again to see some other friends who have kindly lent me a cat-carrier for Bernie's big day tomorrow...

The boys are getting the snip !! Am uber excited about this but they are not so. Have broken the news to them gently but they are not impressed, especially as they wolfed down their dinner and wont be getting any more food until tomoro after noon.
Am worry slightly about managing to get to the vets in time since I have to be their at 8.40.In the Morning!!! But am going to get an early night to make sure we make it, as I am unbelievable excited about hopefuly having 2 cats by tomorrow eve who dont feel the urge to piss on evrryytthhiing. Awww 'luv em.

Have put thier blanket in the cat carrier to try and coax them in so they dont play silly buggers in the morning. By the time you get one cat in the other one will have always hopped out and hidden, and this is sometimes cute but mostly very frustrating.

but anyway, am very happy to be home now in the warm near my bed with my kittys. and my head is busy but its ok because im blogging. but i feel the need to do something to keep me distracted but this is diffcult when my fingers are typing very slowly and my eyes are heavy and the screen herts my eyes.

Im going to try and ignore the inner turmoil, and rest, as the occupation thrapy lady has suggested. have been filling out my activity diary and see what she means now about my 'boom/bust' lifestyle....i get a boom of energy and then it wears off and i go bust. legs start aching, voice starts shaking, brain slooowws dowwn.

bye.
Oh Good Luck Bert and Ernie tomorrow, enjoy your last night of manhood.