The invisible soul was crying to break free
the little girl peered in the glass gingerly
a woman stared back, her eyes became me
The three of us stopped and my heart skipped a beat
The little girl and the woman became complete
The little girls skin was broken and scarred
The woman in the mirror held dreams in the stars
The pressure on the little girls chest was lifted
She started to breathe, her lungs less constricted
The woman looked friendly, her smile was warm
The invisible soul became calm in its storm
Three souls clicked into place for a moment
And they breathed together, deeply
The invisible soul flowed in and out freely
The girl smiled meekly, the lady stood strong
But as the girl went to touch her, the woman was gone
The girl felt lonely and fearful and wrong.
The little girl hated her ugly reflection
She hated her body and imperfections
And would look in a mirror with shame and rejection
The lady she saw had meaning, direction
Thier hearts beat together in a pulsing connection
She peered in the glass and was met by her gaze
She searched for her soul in the fog and the haze
Until everything became a blur
Then the Little girl realised the woman was her..
Wednesday 30 November 2011
Thursday 24 November 2011
R.A.o.K
It makes such a difference to start the day in a happy way...
I did wake up on time this morning. I did remember that i wanted to go to yoga. I did still want to go to yoga. I could not get up, my body was too heavy....But my lovely neighbour Hollie and SuperBaby Florence saved the day!
Had the secret password knock on the door at 8.30, from my neighbour Wise Hollie. So I puuuulllleeeddd myself outof bed and spyed out my spy hole and saw a GIANT BABY staring at me and grinning with 1 tooth...I panicked a bit, and then realised that it was just Wise Hollie holding baby Flo up to the door.
So I unchained and unlocked and it was so lovely to see a lovely smiling friend and a lovely regular sized baby smiling in the morning. So i shuffled back across the corridor and had a morning coffee with my neighbours :-)
Turns out Hollie had read my blog and seen I was trying to get up for yoga and kindly decided to help. This random act of Kindness really helped me this morning. Im going to try and start doing mor of them, as it can really cheer up someones day. Thank you wise Hollie...I didnt know you had been reading my blog! And now your random act of kindness has been documented forever.. Thanks for bein my friend
Instead I went to TFF to see how Billy was doing. He seems to have made good progress overnight, i hope somebody probably fed and watered him. looking good, Ive put him with his new family of other reindeer looking out the window, they all look so cheeky stood in a line, When I find the clicky thing Im looking for I will be able to put a picture up.
Im not In The ZOne anymore my brains a bit slow, so cant remember what else I was gonna say but Im going to have a rest now and stroke my kittys because i cant write....
I did wake up on time this morning. I did remember that i wanted to go to yoga. I did still want to go to yoga. I could not get up, my body was too heavy....But my lovely neighbour Hollie and SuperBaby Florence saved the day!
Had the secret password knock on the door at 8.30, from my neighbour Wise Hollie. So I puuuulllleeeddd myself outof bed and spyed out my spy hole and saw a GIANT BABY staring at me and grinning with 1 tooth...I panicked a bit, and then realised that it was just Wise Hollie holding baby Flo up to the door.
So I unchained and unlocked and it was so lovely to see a lovely smiling friend and a lovely regular sized baby smiling in the morning. So i shuffled back across the corridor and had a morning coffee with my neighbours :-)
Turns out Hollie had read my blog and seen I was trying to get up for yoga and kindly decided to help. This random act of Kindness really helped me this morning. Im going to try and start doing mor of them, as it can really cheer up someones day. Thank you wise Hollie...I didnt know you had been reading my blog! And now your random act of kindness has been documented forever.. Thanks for bein my friend
Practice Random Acts of Kindness and Senseless Acts of BeautyToday has been goid because i did get up. I made it to yoga only a teeny bit after half 9. Unforunately the group wasnt running because only 2 people turned up incuding me, but thats besides the point because I made it!!
Instead I went to TFF to see how Billy was doing. He seems to have made good progress overnight, i hope somebody probably fed and watered him. looking good, Ive put him with his new family of other reindeer looking out the window, they all look so cheeky stood in a line, When I find the clicky thing Im looking for I will be able to put a picture up.
Im not In The ZOne anymore my brains a bit slow, so cant remember what else I was gonna say but Im going to have a rest now and stroke my kittys because i cant write....
Wednesday 23 November 2011
The Zone.
My main target in life at the moment is to go to sleep very soonand get up tomorrow morning and goto yoga, which is at 9.30. I have been once before and liked it but i wont lie it makes me quite nervous to be in a roomful of people and bending my body in strange positions. But I do a little bit at home sometimes so hopefully i wont look like a total bellend. Not that it really matters really.everyone who goes probably feels nervous, and its all about focusing on yourself and not everyone around you and getting in the zone. when Im in the zone Laura good to go...We love the zone.
Frozen Planet is on the telly. Baby Polar bear cubs...soo cute and tiny, like little moving teddies. I want one. turning telly off though since watched a bit of this frozen planet before and it draws you in and then it gets really scary and tragic and the epic music builds up and you just know that the smallest babiest polar bear isnt going to make it...and its just too awful.
The zone is focused, free,n rhythm with my breathing. Mindful, aware, content, calm. When Im in The ZOne my soul clicks into place and my voice is stronger and life seems a lot less hazy.
I think I will be on a more even keel and more mentally balaced when I learn to grasp the abiliy to stay in the zone for more than a few seconds, or a few days at the most.
At the moment i get moments of being in The Zone. I try and i try to make the most of these moments so this is when I blog. I can hear the beat of my heart and my thoughts more clearly and they unite with body and I am no longer just a passenger, im in control.
And also yoga is good for you. I heard somewhere that Exercise releases dolphins that make you happy. So there are lots of good reasons to get up in the morning...
just hope my soul hasnt jolted outof The Zone by the morning, and hope that my legs work and can think straight and actually open my eyes and start the day.
I really want to and I really am exhausted.
But Life out of depression is so much more fun :-)
I have lots to look forwards to...Getting out and getting in the zone with some dolphins, then Im going straight to see my Billy reindeer and do a bit more log painting and find things to giggle at.
Everything is very exciting.
Frozen Planet is on the telly. Baby Polar bear cubs...soo cute and tiny, like little moving teddies. I want one. turning telly off though since watched a bit of this frozen planet before and it draws you in and then it gets really scary and tragic and the epic music builds up and you just know that the smallest babiest polar bear isnt going to make it...and its just too awful.
The zone is focused, free,n rhythm with my breathing. Mindful, aware, content, calm. When Im in The ZOne my soul clicks into place and my voice is stronger and life seems a lot less hazy.
I think I will be on a more even keel and more mentally balaced when I learn to grasp the abiliy to stay in the zone for more than a few seconds, or a few days at the most.
At the moment i get moments of being in The Zone. I try and i try to make the most of these moments so this is when I blog. I can hear the beat of my heart and my thoughts more clearly and they unite with body and I am no longer just a passenger, im in control.
And also yoga is good for you. I heard somewhere that Exercise releases dolphins that make you happy. So there are lots of good reasons to get up in the morning...
just hope my soul hasnt jolted outof The Zone by the morning, and hope that my legs work and can think straight and actually open my eyes and start the day.
I really want to and I really am exhausted.
But Life out of depression is so much more fun :-)
I have lots to look forwards to...Getting out and getting in the zone with some dolphins, then Im going straight to see my Billy reindeer and do a bit more log painting and find things to giggle at.
Everything is very exciting.
Billy
Had a good and socialble productive day, spent it at TFF. I had a really great time...i have made some friends and I like spending time with the people up there. Today I laughed a lot. I got there on time this morning, which doesnt happen very often.
I took a risk today and thought I'd try something new. Theres a woodwork room at whitfield and been itching to go in and try making something but havnt had a clue what im doing and all those noisy drills are quite scary.
Theres a shed at the bottom where there are all lovely reindeers made from logs they are so cute and I wanted to make one. I had never tried because there is a sign on the shed that says boyzone...i hadnt been in because a) Boyzone suck and B) I thought girls werent allowed in there. But turns out anyone is allowed in there, so Nev helped me bang together my reindeer, i gave him a wonky head and odd eyes and thenstripey antlers.I havent finished him yet but he is ccalled Billy, he is drying his paint over night and I will finish him tomorrow and take a picture of him looking all lovely.
The Ipod's on shuffle and talking to me again. :)
I took a risk today and thought I'd try something new. Theres a woodwork room at whitfield and been itching to go in and try making something but havnt had a clue what im doing and all those noisy drills are quite scary.
Theres a shed at the bottom where there are all lovely reindeers made from logs they are so cute and I wanted to make one. I had never tried because there is a sign on the shed that says boyzone...i hadnt been in because a) Boyzone suck and B) I thought girls werent allowed in there. But turns out anyone is allowed in there, so Nev helped me bang together my reindeer, i gave him a wonky head and odd eyes and thenstripey antlers.I havent finished him yet but he is ccalled Billy, he is drying his paint over night and I will finish him tomorrow and take a picture of him looking all lovely.
The Ipod's on shuffle and talking to me again. :)
Morning! :)
By a mixture of some sort of miracle, positive thinking, a bit of effort and being woken by some cats, I am up bright and early and still in my pyjamas but about to get ready to start the day with a smile..
I am even going to have some breakfast and a shower and then choose what to wear and then put it on the right way round. As apposed to being smelly and throwing any mismatched things on back to front or going out in my pyjamas with a coat. Im going to TFF to be sociable, and then this afternoon some of us are going to a singing group which is scary for me but I like singing so it should be fun.
The O.T yesterday gave me this diary thing to fill in everyday for 2 weeks of when I wake up, get up, activities I do and when I rest and go back to bed...its so she can see what im doing then help me to do it a bit better to manage the symptoms. I also have to score out of 10 how I feel mood/tiredness wise in the morning, afternoon and evening. 1 being 'awful' and 10 being 'excellent'. This morning I would say I am a 9, because I have managed to get up good and cheery so that I can document it in my diary. So far my diary looks like this:
7.30-7:45 woke up
7:45-8:45 Got up, coffee, fag, fed mew mews
8:30-8:45 blogging
8:45-9:30 Shower, dressed, breakfast
Gosh Ive already done a lot this morning. Apart from the shower dressed and breakfast, I put that on there to make me do it in a minute.
Here is a quote that Willie left me on my comments. I like it so thought I'd put it nice and big :
I also like this one, which I found on the back of a magazine:
I am even going to have some breakfast and a shower and then choose what to wear and then put it on the right way round. As apposed to being smelly and throwing any mismatched things on back to front or going out in my pyjamas with a coat. Im going to TFF to be sociable, and then this afternoon some of us are going to a singing group which is scary for me but I like singing so it should be fun.
The O.T yesterday gave me this diary thing to fill in everyday for 2 weeks of when I wake up, get up, activities I do and when I rest and go back to bed...its so she can see what im doing then help me to do it a bit better to manage the symptoms. I also have to score out of 10 how I feel mood/tiredness wise in the morning, afternoon and evening. 1 being 'awful' and 10 being 'excellent'. This morning I would say I am a 9, because I have managed to get up good and cheery so that I can document it in my diary. So far my diary looks like this:
7.30-7:45 woke up
7:45-8:45 Got up, coffee, fag, fed mew mews
8:30-8:45 blogging
8:45-9:30 Shower, dressed, breakfast
Gosh Ive already done a lot this morning. Apart from the shower dressed and breakfast, I put that on there to make me do it in a minute.
Here is a quote that Willie left me on my comments. I like it so thought I'd put it nice and big :
"Watch your thoughts, for they become your words. Watch your words for they become your actions. Watch your actions, for they become your habits. Watch your habits for they become your character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny".
I also like this one, which I found on the back of a magazine:
"If you think you are too small to make a difference, then you have never gone to sleep with a mosquito in your bed"
Tuesday 22 November 2011
Head Fudge
This morning I went to Art Therapy. Doesnt that sound nice? The answer is no. Its important to say that Art therapy isnt a lovely hour spent doing some watercolour, its a total head fuck and its not really that fun. I have told Lovely Lesley-Anne my mean horrible Art Therapist this, and she agrees and thinks it should be written on the leaflet. It is gradually helping to unfuck my head but it is still a head fuck and shouldnt be taken lightly. So if you are starting Art Therapy and think you're in for a few sessions dabbling with felt tips and scribbling in pastels over a cup of tea, im sorry to say that you should prepare yourself for some hardcore shizzle.
Psychotherapy is pretty exhausting. Im proper tired..
I hung out at TFF for a bit. Whilst Im being honest I should also say that TFF is not actually a funny farm, it is a 'rural activity centre' where people get referred to help make themselves better and give them a purpose in life.
feeding some goats and making a fruit bowl out of clay might seem like useless activities to some people. But it has been through TFF that I have gained confidence and managed to start things and finish them and make some friends. When I first started going, it was months before i didnt lose sleep with the anxiety of having to face people, and to be able to make conversation and not blush or want to apologise whenever someone looked at me. I go a few times a week and it is helping me to grow.
This afternoon I went to see the M.E lady who is an Occupational Therapist and is helping me to stop my 'boom/bust' lifestyle and to get more on an even keel. Im supposed to start by accepting that I have M.E, which I dont really want to do as i know im tired but I dont want to give in too much because I need to get on with life and dont want to waste too much time resting.
But I think I need a rest now as it has been a busy day. Ive been head fucked and funny farmed and occupationally therapied, and finally managed to write on my blog despite wasting several hours over the weekend writing THREE blog posts THREE times and managing to accidentaly delete before publishing THREE times. Once because computer died, once because Ernie trod on the keyboard, and once because I managed to cut and then paste to some unknown location. Computers are so gay.
Obviously because I ramble a lot, I cant remember what I was writing about but I do have the feeling that it was very important and the world will be a lesser place without these blog posts. But I suppose we'll all just have to cope with this loss and move on.
I would also like to share that Bert made his Great Escape this weekend from being stuck in my third floor flat as an indoor kitty. Im not sure if he jumped or fell but the window was open andI looked out to see a puffy black ball shouting meow at me from the ground below.
I thought he might like to sniff the grass and make a bid for freedom, but he just kept meowing up at me and Ernie watching out the window until I went down and scooped him up. He hadnt hurt himself but he clung on to me for dear life as I carried him back inside and up the stairs....It seems Bernie are much happier cuddled up with thier mummy than exploring the big wide world, awww.
Psychotherapy is pretty exhausting. Im proper tired..
I hung out at TFF for a bit. Whilst Im being honest I should also say that TFF is not actually a funny farm, it is a 'rural activity centre' where people get referred to help make themselves better and give them a purpose in life.
feeding some goats and making a fruit bowl out of clay might seem like useless activities to some people. But it has been through TFF that I have gained confidence and managed to start things and finish them and make some friends. When I first started going, it was months before i didnt lose sleep with the anxiety of having to face people, and to be able to make conversation and not blush or want to apologise whenever someone looked at me. I go a few times a week and it is helping me to grow.
This afternoon I went to see the M.E lady who is an Occupational Therapist and is helping me to stop my 'boom/bust' lifestyle and to get more on an even keel. Im supposed to start by accepting that I have M.E, which I dont really want to do as i know im tired but I dont want to give in too much because I need to get on with life and dont want to waste too much time resting.
But I think I need a rest now as it has been a busy day. Ive been head fucked and funny farmed and occupationally therapied, and finally managed to write on my blog despite wasting several hours over the weekend writing THREE blog posts THREE times and managing to accidentaly delete before publishing THREE times. Once because computer died, once because Ernie trod on the keyboard, and once because I managed to cut and then paste to some unknown location. Computers are so gay.
Obviously because I ramble a lot, I cant remember what I was writing about but I do have the feeling that it was very important and the world will be a lesser place without these blog posts. But I suppose we'll all just have to cope with this loss and move on.
I would also like to share that Bert made his Great Escape this weekend from being stuck in my third floor flat as an indoor kitty. Im not sure if he jumped or fell but the window was open andI looked out to see a puffy black ball shouting meow at me from the ground below.
I thought he might like to sniff the grass and make a bid for freedom, but he just kept meowing up at me and Ernie watching out the window until I went down and scooped him up. He hadnt hurt himself but he clung on to me for dear life as I carried him back inside and up the stairs....It seems Bernie are much happier cuddled up with thier mummy than exploring the big wide world, awww.
Monday 21 November 2011
Stigma
Someone who may have stumbled across my blog might wonder exactly what it is I do with my life; what i do for a living or what I am studying at college. The answer to that is nothing..... Although to be fair, I do actually do stuff.
There is a lot of stigma attatched to someone who lives in a council flat and claims benefits and doesnt work. So for the sake of all the lovely people Ive met who cant work due to illness, I thought I'd try to eradicate some of these preconceptions.
Maybe you pictured the unemployed cat-lady as someone with no teeth who makes no effort to contribute to society. Or you might assume that I sit in my pjs and watch Jeremy Kyle all day, or hang out at the park and drink cider and occasionally mug old ladies.
Well actually i still have all my teeth and I dont even have a criminal record. That doesnt mean to say Ive never broken the law....just never been caught cos Im cheeky. :-D
What I am trying to say is that I am not satisfied just blobbing around and not making anything of my life. And I dont think there is anyone Ive met during my times in hospital or at The Funny Farm who wants to be ill or thinks its fun to get your money for nothing. I've actually been working very hard to try and make somthing of myself so that I can be someone who has a purpose and has something to offer the world.
I have been signed off sick for a few years now. I have a bit of paper that says i am'unfit for work'...how embarassing. I really want to work. But my brain goes wonky sometimes and I get a bit anxious and in real life Im not actually as cool as I sound in my blog. Im a bit twitchy and weird.
I used to work in Scummerfield at the checkout whilst studying for my Alevels. 2 years of Psychology, art, english and Philosophy....but sadly I have no A Levels as I didnt take the exams due to being locked in a mental hospital. waking up in a psychiatric unit having spent most of your life trying to succeed and hold things together, is a bit of a bummer. Actually thought my life was over.
But it isnt and I came out of hospital after a few months and started college doing Health and Social Care, and I couldnt concentrate and I got too nervous to go in and I had lost the ability to concentrate or read and write very well and it was too hard and life was getting very very tricky and I wasnt coping, so after another failed attempt at studying I stopped college. And then Ive been back in hospital and out again, and whilst most of my school friends are in thier final year at uni or have been busy travelling the world, I have become a cat-lady in slippers who goes to a funny farm and splashes paint around from time to time.
It is very frustrating as up until I had a nervy B, I had all the potential and energy to make a success of my life. I worked hard at school, and got some A* GCSEs not because I am that clever but because I worked my butt off...and where has it got me?
The point is I still intend on getting my qualifications and then getting a good job where I can do something useful and maybe help other people. Mental Health problems (some sort of personality disease apparantly) has really got in the way the last few years. I tried to kill myself a few times, and Im still not sure how I managed to escape death since each time I was pretty sure it should work....but apparantly not. so I figured I was just going to have to battle on.. and Im still here :-)
On the bright side at least I will have had my fair share of stress and trauma so that when I hit 35 and my school friends are having thier mid-life crises, I will have already had my early life crises and will be off having a ball like I should have been doing these last few years.
I just want everyone to know that one day I will pay my way and do something very useful with my time here on earth, and that is a promise.
There is a lot of stigma attatched to someone who lives in a council flat and claims benefits and doesnt work. So for the sake of all the lovely people Ive met who cant work due to illness, I thought I'd try to eradicate some of these preconceptions.
Maybe you pictured the unemployed cat-lady as someone with no teeth who makes no effort to contribute to society. Or you might assume that I sit in my pjs and watch Jeremy Kyle all day, or hang out at the park and drink cider and occasionally mug old ladies.
Well actually i still have all my teeth and I dont even have a criminal record. That doesnt mean to say Ive never broken the law....just never been caught cos Im cheeky. :-D
What I am trying to say is that I am not satisfied just blobbing around and not making anything of my life. And I dont think there is anyone Ive met during my times in hospital or at The Funny Farm who wants to be ill or thinks its fun to get your money for nothing. I've actually been working very hard to try and make somthing of myself so that I can be someone who has a purpose and has something to offer the world.
I have been signed off sick for a few years now. I have a bit of paper that says i am'unfit for work'...how embarassing. I really want to work. But my brain goes wonky sometimes and I get a bit anxious and in real life Im not actually as cool as I sound in my blog. Im a bit twitchy and weird.
I used to work in Scummerfield at the checkout whilst studying for my Alevels. 2 years of Psychology, art, english and Philosophy....but sadly I have no A Levels as I didnt take the exams due to being locked in a mental hospital. waking up in a psychiatric unit having spent most of your life trying to succeed and hold things together, is a bit of a bummer. Actually thought my life was over.
But it isnt and I came out of hospital after a few months and started college doing Health and Social Care, and I couldnt concentrate and I got too nervous to go in and I had lost the ability to concentrate or read and write very well and it was too hard and life was getting very very tricky and I wasnt coping, so after another failed attempt at studying I stopped college. And then Ive been back in hospital and out again, and whilst most of my school friends are in thier final year at uni or have been busy travelling the world, I have become a cat-lady in slippers who goes to a funny farm and splashes paint around from time to time.
It is very frustrating as up until I had a nervy B, I had all the potential and energy to make a success of my life. I worked hard at school, and got some A* GCSEs not because I am that clever but because I worked my butt off...and where has it got me?
The point is I still intend on getting my qualifications and then getting a good job where I can do something useful and maybe help other people. Mental Health problems (some sort of personality disease apparantly) has really got in the way the last few years. I tried to kill myself a few times, and Im still not sure how I managed to escape death since each time I was pretty sure it should work....but apparantly not. so I figured I was just going to have to battle on.. and Im still here :-)
On the bright side at least I will have had my fair share of stress and trauma so that when I hit 35 and my school friends are having thier mid-life crises, I will have already had my early life crises and will be off having a ball like I should have been doing these last few years.
I just want everyone to know that one day I will pay my way and do something very useful with my time here on earth, and that is a promise.
Sunday 20 November 2011
Brain Doc
I saw the brain doctor on Thursday (I think hes a psychiatrist), who told me that I have come on a lot in the last two years, which is good. He then went on to say that in another couple years I could be good as new, which is not so good. Because 2 years is friggin ages. He said you cant rush recovery and Iv had a lot of stress and I need to be patient.
Well I have wasted a lot of my life being an in-patient and an out-patient and i am impatient and I dont want to just be a mental health patient. i have more important things to do , quite frankly, such as cat-ladying and painting pictures and writing my very extrememly popular inspiring world famous blog. Which isnt this one, obviously.
So Im ignoring the time scale thing and planning to sort my life out quickly and efficiently.Lesley said to think of it as by the time Im 22 I could be well on my way....which I spose is better and in the grand scheme of life I guess 2 years is only a tiny bit. But when you consider that Ive been seeing the brain doc since I was 16 it is practically half my life that I have wasted being nearly almost mad.
Ok so It hasnt been a total waste of time, since I have learnt a lot about life and gained understanding and empathy and grown into the person that I am today and blahh blah blah, but still I dont recommend going nearly mad. Try and stay sane if you can. So Iv got my happy pills and psycho pills and the doc seems to think I can make a good full recovery if I keep up the good work. Yay.
So although my life may have gone slightly wrong or not as planned, I am just reminding myself that I am doing things, I am trying hard, and I have come far in my recovery. When Ive seen the brain doctor before I dont remember saying anything other than that I wanted to die, hopefully soon, and trying desperately to wriggle my way out of that chair as soon as poss.
This time I waffled a lot and he had to politely ask me to leave because he had other patients to see. I just wanted to say how much better I am and how hard Im trying, and hoped he would tell me to go an get a job....but instead Im going to spend a little while longer feeding goats and splattering paint on some paper. I am not lazy and I am determined to find a meaning for my existance.
I am still here and still trying hard and actually I am proud of myself and everything thats happened has made me strong, and i only plan on getting stronger, thank you very much.
Friday 18 November 2011
Try
Tomorrow is a brand new day. Starting from tomorrow im gonna do life properly. I need to try a bit harder.
Thursday 17 November 2011
Busy
Life is good and I have lots of dreams and aspirations and goals. This is a very positive change compared to the long years I've spent just waiting for the universe to swallow me up.
My mind is buzzing with creative ideas, paintings, projects, words. Trouble is I cant focus on one of them long enough to get anything done. I start something and then get distracted and start something else. This is making things quite disordered and untidy,my sleep patterns all over the place, i leave a trail of mess behind of wonky sketchpads and paintbrushes and bits of paper with scribbles on.
Still, I feel that whilst I have the brain cpacity to be thinking of these things, I ought to be doing something about it before it runs out. But my body doesnt have the energy and it is so frustrating!!
My head keeps going blank and i just need to have a rest. And I cant relax because then I start thinking again and tell my self to get up and get on with something. I want to keep busy to stop myself just sitting around. I hate sitting around.
Being in the company of others is exhausting, even friends or family. I find focusing on a conversation difficult,and even my voice starts to hurt if Ive been chatting for a bit.
I get lonely but its mostly my own fault, because I dont make a lot of plans to see anyone. Even if I want to, I know how exhausting it is and i worry that i am terrible company!. But luckily anyway I am normally more than happy to be in Lauraland doing art or cat-ladying or something like that.
Voice in my head is always saying Im so lazy, a failure, which makes me think I should get up and get out there and stop wasting my life. I really want to get up and get out there. I have all the get up just not enough go.
I feel like I have a running commentary of my life in my head, and im having lots of conversations with myself at once in my head. I dont mind but it makes it quite hard to concentrate on one thing at once.
At least i am trying to be productive, even if not successfully.
Ipod on LOUD to drown out the inner mumbling
Started the washing up.
Doing a painting, well actually about 6 on the go
Have half hoovered
Moved all mess into bedroom so flat looks tidy
Learning John Lemon imagine on guitar.
Books lying open and unread
Cold hands, gloves, Coffee.
have done some blogging and
Ernie just fell off the windowsill. Lol.
My mind is buzzing with creative ideas, paintings, projects, words. Trouble is I cant focus on one of them long enough to get anything done. I start something and then get distracted and start something else. This is making things quite disordered and untidy,my sleep patterns all over the place, i leave a trail of mess behind of wonky sketchpads and paintbrushes and bits of paper with scribbles on.
Still, I feel that whilst I have the brain cpacity to be thinking of these things, I ought to be doing something about it before it runs out. But my body doesnt have the energy and it is so frustrating!!
My head keeps going blank and i just need to have a rest. And I cant relax because then I start thinking again and tell my self to get up and get on with something. I want to keep busy to stop myself just sitting around. I hate sitting around.
Being in the company of others is exhausting, even friends or family. I find focusing on a conversation difficult,and even my voice starts to hurt if Ive been chatting for a bit.
I get lonely but its mostly my own fault, because I dont make a lot of plans to see anyone. Even if I want to, I know how exhausting it is and i worry that i am terrible company!. But luckily anyway I am normally more than happy to be in Lauraland doing art or cat-ladying or something like that.
Voice in my head is always saying Im so lazy, a failure, which makes me think I should get up and get out there and stop wasting my life. I really want to get up and get out there. I have all the get up just not enough go.
I feel like I have a running commentary of my life in my head, and im having lots of conversations with myself at once in my head. I dont mind but it makes it quite hard to concentrate on one thing at once.
At least i am trying to be productive, even if not successfully.
Ipod on LOUD to drown out the inner mumbling
Started the washing up.
Doing a painting, well actually about 6 on the go
Have half hoovered
Moved all mess into bedroom so flat looks tidy
Learning John Lemon imagine on guitar.
Books lying open and unread
Cold hands, gloves, Coffee.
have done some blogging and
Ernie just fell off the windowsill. Lol.
Tuesday 15 November 2011
Replacement Post
I am sitting at The Funny Farm, and just spent about an hour typing my blog post, and then I accidentally deleted it. I am VERY ANNOYED so Im going out for a cigarette and may come back in a bit to re-write. I cant remember what i was writing about but it was definitely very important.
Absolute nightmare.
ARGGHHH I dont have any fags with me.
And everyone here today is either old and sleeping or old and knitting or old and mumbling.
I hope there are some cooler people in tomorrow. We are just a bunch of loners sitting in a room, rather than a group of people soicialising. I am in my own little world with ipod blasting in ears.
I worry that the more time I spend here the more social skills Im going to lose until having a real conversation with real people in real life is going to be impossible. Not that I am making much effort to make friends.
I am so annoyed about deleting what I had written. Going to go and breathe for a minute.
Absolute nightmare.
ARGGHHH I dont have any fags with me.
And everyone here today is either old and sleeping or old and knitting or old and mumbling.
I hope there are some cooler people in tomorrow. We are just a bunch of loners sitting in a room, rather than a group of people soicialising. I am in my own little world with ipod blasting in ears.
I worry that the more time I spend here the more social skills Im going to lose until having a real conversation with real people in real life is going to be impossible. Not that I am making much effort to make friends.
I am so annoyed about deleting what I had written. Going to go and breathe for a minute.
Monday 14 November 2011
Return of the Cat Lady
Yesterday was good.
Today has been awful.
Life is so random. Or maybe just balanced?
I was sleepy last night but wide awake, trying to wake myself up enough to get busy and tire myself out enough to sleep. i ended up going to sleep upside down on my bed at 5 am and not waking up until 4 this after noon.
It was dark when I went to sleep and dark when I woke up.
I couldnt work out what day it was. I didn't know if I had missed yoga or TFF or art therapy. I kept falling back to sleep.
Eventually have dragged myself up.
Does anyone have any advice on cats?
Bernie are the naughtiest cats I have ever known.
They wee wherever they fancy. They especially like to wee on their bed, again, straight after I have washed it and dried it from last time.
I shut them out my room and they can jump up to the handle and let themselves in, and wee on my bed.
They poop outside the litter tray, or opposite. Or sometimes wherever they like. They pee in anythin box-shaped, or on thier blankets.
They steal my paintbrushes and chew them up, they stand on my paintings and blob little blue paw prints all over my brown sofa. They punch my bin until it falls over and rubbish falls out, and they jump on the worktop and eat the dishcloth. I tell them off every time and go and get them down or sometimes flick water at them.
THEY DONT CARE! They just stare at me and then do it again
And this is really starting to get on my nerves. Unfortunately though I also find them quite endearing when they are flicking my pen or chasing eachother with paintbrushes in thier mouths.
I am febreezing and pooper scooping and scrubbing and litter-tray changing all the time...
I do the litter tray thing where you're sposed to pick them up if they start peeing and plonk them in the litter tray. I do this and they squirm and pee everywhere, and by the time they're in the litter tray they have stopped peeing and just hop out and give me evils.
It's not a good feeling when you open your bedroom door and are hit with the nose tingling waft of cat poo.
I go straight to the litter tray to dispose but there is no poo in the litter tray. This means one of 3 things...That Bert and Ernie really stink, That thier is an accident hidden in some obscure place that Im now going to have to find, or that I am evernearing my fate of the stinky bonkers Cat Lady.
i hope its not the third one.
I think it might be a combo of all 3. Though I am trying to steer myself away from CatLadydom and further into the realm of normalness and success.
So after 10 minutes of hunting and febreezing, still no treasure but gave up ad decided to have a shower. There is a poo in the bath. Start cleaning.
Suddenly very tired and exhausted. Need to sit down. Suddenly Bert and Ernie just seem really annoying even though they are snuggled up all cute and fluffballs.
Have a coffee. Have a cigarette. Feel like a different person to who I was yesterday.
Yesterday I was clean and dressed in nice clothes and painting and cookng and dancing around. I met Abnormal Andrew out for a drink and had a catch up.
Today is like a snapshot of the past. 5pm, scowly face, dressing gown, slippers, fag in hand. Another coffee. Mind buzzing but face blank. Stress about mess but too overhwelmed to clear it up.
I tried doing some cleaning, kept dropping things so made more of a mess. Did some more to my painting and bodged it up
But actually I thought, this doesnt mean its all gone wrong. Everyone has good days and bad days. So Im taking a moment out and just writing in my blog.. because that always makes me feel better.
So actually something has come out of this because I've been sitting down to blog but not had the focus to write anything all weekend.
Just taking a few deep breaths before going to clean the bathroom and have my shower, and do something productive.
Today has been awful.
Life is so random. Or maybe just balanced?
I was sleepy last night but wide awake, trying to wake myself up enough to get busy and tire myself out enough to sleep. i ended up going to sleep upside down on my bed at 5 am and not waking up until 4 this after noon.
It was dark when I went to sleep and dark when I woke up.
I couldnt work out what day it was. I didn't know if I had missed yoga or TFF or art therapy. I kept falling back to sleep.
Eventually have dragged myself up.
Does anyone have any advice on cats?
Bernie are the naughtiest cats I have ever known.
They wee wherever they fancy. They especially like to wee on their bed, again, straight after I have washed it and dried it from last time.
I shut them out my room and they can jump up to the handle and let themselves in, and wee on my bed.
They poop outside the litter tray, or opposite. Or sometimes wherever they like. They pee in anythin box-shaped, or on thier blankets.
They steal my paintbrushes and chew them up, they stand on my paintings and blob little blue paw prints all over my brown sofa. They punch my bin until it falls over and rubbish falls out, and they jump on the worktop and eat the dishcloth. I tell them off every time and go and get them down or sometimes flick water at them.
THEY DONT CARE! They just stare at me and then do it again
And this is really starting to get on my nerves. Unfortunately though I also find them quite endearing when they are flicking my pen or chasing eachother with paintbrushes in thier mouths.
I am febreezing and pooper scooping and scrubbing and litter-tray changing all the time...
I do the litter tray thing where you're sposed to pick them up if they start peeing and plonk them in the litter tray. I do this and they squirm and pee everywhere, and by the time they're in the litter tray they have stopped peeing and just hop out and give me evils.
It's not a good feeling when you open your bedroom door and are hit with the nose tingling waft of cat poo.
I go straight to the litter tray to dispose but there is no poo in the litter tray. This means one of 3 things...That Bert and Ernie really stink, That thier is an accident hidden in some obscure place that Im now going to have to find, or that I am evernearing my fate of the stinky bonkers Cat Lady.
i hope its not the third one.
I think it might be a combo of all 3. Though I am trying to steer myself away from CatLadydom and further into the realm of normalness and success.
So after 10 minutes of hunting and febreezing, still no treasure but gave up ad decided to have a shower. There is a poo in the bath. Start cleaning.
Suddenly very tired and exhausted. Need to sit down. Suddenly Bert and Ernie just seem really annoying even though they are snuggled up all cute and fluffballs.
Have a coffee. Have a cigarette. Feel like a different person to who I was yesterday.
Yesterday I was clean and dressed in nice clothes and painting and cookng and dancing around. I met Abnormal Andrew out for a drink and had a catch up.
Today is like a snapshot of the past. 5pm, scowly face, dressing gown, slippers, fag in hand. Another coffee. Mind buzzing but face blank. Stress about mess but too overhwelmed to clear it up.
I tried doing some cleaning, kept dropping things so made more of a mess. Did some more to my painting and bodged it up
But actually I thought, this doesnt mean its all gone wrong. Everyone has good days and bad days. So Im taking a moment out and just writing in my blog.. because that always makes me feel better.
So actually something has come out of this because I've been sitting down to blog but not had the focus to write anything all weekend.
Just taking a few deep breaths before going to clean the bathroom and have my shower, and do something productive.
Sunday 13 November 2011
Friday 11 November 2011
My Recovery
The Choice
Let go of the noose you hold in your hand,
Feel it melt between your fingers and slip away like sand.
Wipe away the sleepy dust nd open up your eyes, feel your soul just turn to dust then swirl around inside.
Breathe in breathe deep and breathe it out. Slow. Breathe in again expand your lungs and then finally let go.
Breathe slow. Breathe deep into soul, into your fingers and your toes, mouth and nose, flow. Feel your heart pumping your lungs thumping, so calmly. Moment by moment, breath by breath, take a step back from your reflection, see what could be true perfection. step outside your outer state and listen to your heart beat. Beat. Beat. Beat. And it will keep beating, with every breath you take.
The conflict all around can drift along outside, flicker with the tide, stand strong in your core, life is just a series of moments, forever and ever more. And each moment will pass. So keep breathing. Breathe in.....and breathe out again.
Do this once, and do it properly. Go somewhere, alone. Somewhere open where you cant be found...Start screaming, start shouting. Fill your lungs with the noise trapped inside your core, feel your voice transpire into whisps of shadows of trapped words. Scream and shout and let it all out. Dont be scared, be free, shout as if this moment is the pinaccle of moments, where you hear your voice less meekly. Smile inside and breathe out the dust, your heart is still beating. Breathing.
Start to laugh, feel it rise in your belly. Laugh out loud even if you look like a nelly, as if you've just won a brand new telly or been served a great big plate of jelly, or just seen an enormous flying welly
Start from this moment, just start over again. Start being who you want to be, who you should have been, doesnt matter where youve been, now you're clean. Throw away the emptiness, dont stay in bed all day, get up get out and start to live, give yourself a chance at life, believe it wont always be full of strife.
See colours and hope, untie the rope, start climbing up it. Keep climbing higher, even when you are tired..just have a break and come back re-wired. Don't give up. Don't ever give up.
Bad days will come, just let them pass you by. Start again another day and slowly the pain will wash away, start today. Dont be afraid. When the whole world seems to be crashing down, remember there is always someone who might want you around. Turn around, start again. Make some friends.
Do things you find difficult with the aim of moving forward. Don't take good feelings for granted, treasure every moment, hold onto it and breathe it in and lock it somewhere deep within. Start to smile, let it become a grin, dont worry about being too fat or too thin, just go for it. Believe you could win. Take things on the chin and come back fighting stronger, start writing, keep typing, not so many tears to be wiping.
Speak out a bit louder with a clearer voice, add some colour, start making choices, dont believe all the negative voices. When you've messed things up dont be so hard on yourself for being wrong, just learn from it to make you strong.
Start to take some pride in who you are. Learn to love yourself before expecting anyone else to love you. Have some self-respect. Cook yourself some dinner and dont forget to eat, dont go out with your clothes inside out or slippers on your feet. Dont go out with your hair or tassled, brush it, or cut it off to save the hassle. Take the meds the doctor gave you, give them a go, dont expect them to save you.
Follow your dreams as distant as they seem, and just push on. You cant go wrong, if you only try your best. Get some zest for life and a sense of adventure. Get something really lovely, something that brings you calm and loves you on your bad days. Something like a teddy or a friend or a plant or a goldfish to help you on your journey. I got Bert and Ernie.
Just start to be you. You will pull though. And you will grow, into the person you were here to be, somebody free. Believe that its true, even if it seems so out of reach to you. Remember who you were the day when things felt right, start to fly a kite or ride your bike or play an instrument or sing, answer the phone, dont panic when it rings.
Understand that your life is up to you. The only person who will always be with you, is the person in the mirror staring at you. Look into thier eyes and stop looking through.
Let go of the noose you hold in your hand,
Feel it melt between your fingers and slip away like sand.
Wipe away the sleepy dust nd open up your eyes, feel your soul just turn to dust then swirl around inside.
Breathe in breathe deep and breathe it out. Slow. Breathe in again expand your lungs and then finally let go.
Breathe slow. Breathe deep into soul, into your fingers and your toes, mouth and nose, flow. Feel your heart pumping your lungs thumping, so calmly. Moment by moment, breath by breath, take a step back from your reflection, see what could be true perfection. step outside your outer state and listen to your heart beat. Beat. Beat. Beat. And it will keep beating, with every breath you take.
The conflict all around can drift along outside, flicker with the tide, stand strong in your core, life is just a series of moments, forever and ever more. And each moment will pass. So keep breathing. Breathe in.....and breathe out again.
Do this once, and do it properly. Go somewhere, alone. Somewhere open where you cant be found...Start screaming, start shouting. Fill your lungs with the noise trapped inside your core, feel your voice transpire into whisps of shadows of trapped words. Scream and shout and let it all out. Dont be scared, be free, shout as if this moment is the pinaccle of moments, where you hear your voice less meekly. Smile inside and breathe out the dust, your heart is still beating. Breathing.
Start to laugh, feel it rise in your belly. Laugh out loud even if you look like a nelly, as if you've just won a brand new telly or been served a great big plate of jelly, or just seen an enormous flying welly
Start from this moment, just start over again. Start being who you want to be, who you should have been, doesnt matter where youve been, now you're clean. Throw away the emptiness, dont stay in bed all day, get up get out and start to live, give yourself a chance at life, believe it wont always be full of strife.
See colours and hope, untie the rope, start climbing up it. Keep climbing higher, even when you are tired..just have a break and come back re-wired. Don't give up. Don't ever give up.
Bad days will come, just let them pass you by. Start again another day and slowly the pain will wash away, start today. Dont be afraid. When the whole world seems to be crashing down, remember there is always someone who might want you around. Turn around, start again. Make some friends.
Do things you find difficult with the aim of moving forward. Don't take good feelings for granted, treasure every moment, hold onto it and breathe it in and lock it somewhere deep within. Start to smile, let it become a grin, dont worry about being too fat or too thin, just go for it. Believe you could win. Take things on the chin and come back fighting stronger, start writing, keep typing, not so many tears to be wiping.
Speak out a bit louder with a clearer voice, add some colour, start making choices, dont believe all the negative voices. When you've messed things up dont be so hard on yourself for being wrong, just learn from it to make you strong.
Start to take some pride in who you are. Learn to love yourself before expecting anyone else to love you. Have some self-respect. Cook yourself some dinner and dont forget to eat, dont go out with your clothes inside out or slippers on your feet. Dont go out with your hair or tassled, brush it, or cut it off to save the hassle. Take the meds the doctor gave you, give them a go, dont expect them to save you.
Follow your dreams as distant as they seem, and just push on. You cant go wrong, if you only try your best. Get some zest for life and a sense of adventure. Get something really lovely, something that brings you calm and loves you on your bad days. Something like a teddy or a friend or a plant or a goldfish to help you on your journey. I got Bert and Ernie.
Just start to be you. You will pull though. And you will grow, into the person you were here to be, somebody free. Believe that its true, even if it seems so out of reach to you. Remember who you were the day when things felt right, start to fly a kite or ride your bike or play an instrument or sing, answer the phone, dont panic when it rings.
Understand that your life is up to you. The only person who will always be with you, is the person in the mirror staring at you. Look into thier eyes and stop looking through.
Monday 7 November 2011
sleepy
Had a good weekend though been cream crackered. Spent Sunday trying to exhaust myself enough to sleep well tonight and then be up on time for appointment at M.E clinic tomorrow.
As it happens I have just managed to exhaust myself enough to not be able to do much but not enough to sleep/ So Im wiiiide awake, and I wouldnt mind if I could get into something to pass the time...but im too tired to do that. So time is going vvveeerrryyy slllooowwwlly......this kinda sucks.But on the plus side if I manage to stay awake til the morning and all of monday then i will hopefully sleep better mon night.
Overthinking your sleep pattern and worrying about not getting sleep can keep you awake
As it happens I have just managed to exhaust myself enough to not be able to do much but not enough to sleep/ So Im wiiiide awake, and I wouldnt mind if I could get into something to pass the time...but im too tired to do that. So time is going vvveeerrryyy slllooowwwlly......this kinda sucks.But on the plus side if I manage to stay awake til the morning and all of monday then i will hopefully sleep better mon night.
Overthinking your sleep pattern and worrying about not getting sleep can keep you awake
Friday 4 November 2011
A prayer
Dear God,
Its Laura here. Ive not spoken to you in a very long time. I dont believe you are really as powerful or as good as you think you are, and quite frankly im not sure if you even exist really, only as an idea to give people some sort of hope or meaning or answers.
But on the teeny tiny miniscule off chance that you do exist, somehow, maybe as lots of gods or as Allah or Buddha or Jesus or whatever, or just as the flow of the universe some sort of supernatural aura..i thought now would be a good time to have a chat.
I have a few bones to pick with you and i wont lie, based on the last few years i have been completely unimpressed and disatisfied by your undivine non-intervenention
Now if Im honest, i dont believe that you have much if any control over the world or our lives, i think my future is pretty much down to me...but should you be there somewhere along the way, I'd like you to know that I am working bloody hard to try and get myself well and living a good purposeful life, and I dont really appreciate all the obstacles in the way or illnesses that I seem powerless to control. So if you are able to do anything to make this easier, please please work your magic.
If you are so good and powerful and amazing, why do you let so many good people suffer, and so many bad people have it all cushdy? Also, why did you make hearts so breakable. Surely if you made them a bit more durable there would not be so much heartache in the world.
I lilke that you give millions of people hope and faith and determination to keep going. I miss having faith in you and believing that you will make everything ok. I hope you know that I always try my best to be a good person and I want my life to be worthwhile. i hope it doesn't offend you that i say swear words sometimes and i dont go to Church.
I used to talk to you a lot, and trust in you, and go to Church, and read the Bible and sing the right songs...but Im afraid you let me down, i trusted you to help me and you didnt. So if I make it to Heaven you probably owe me and about 6 billion others an apology.
I am not sorry to you for any of the bad things I have done. I have been sorry to other people and sorry for myself, but not to you....unless you are sorry in return for the state ive been in and no doing much to help. In hindsight, all the bad decisions ive made and bad times have always taught me something or made me stronger, in the end. You did not make me stronger. I found the strength in myself.
So now that Ive got that off my chest, and after I have told you quite bluntly that I am not your biggest fan, Im going to be cheeky and ask for a favour. As you're supposed to be all loving of every single human being and it doesnt matter what I do, I figured this would be ok.
I dont know if its down to you or me or the help ive had, or maybe a mixture, but i am so greatful that the last few months of life have been easier than they have been in years. I've felt so much better, happier, more free. Ive felt like I might have a future and that I could really be somebody and it wont always be this hard. Obviously you know exactly what Im talking about if you are indeed god.
So just incase you are at work somewhere...I wanted to say a little prayer asking if things could stay like this, please. I know life will always have its ups and downs, but i have enjoyed being able to cope and would love for this inner strength and good fortune and positivity to continue.
You see god, just the last few days, ive started to feel more tired, more achey, and a little more nervous. ive been less focused and more fuzzy, and today I cried quite a lot. God, I am terrified of that aching hole i get in my chest, and the darkness that descends and the emptiness returning.
I am going to do all that I can to keep myself well, and keep mental illness at bay. This is a prayer that you would do your bit too, if you have a bit to do. I know ive got some problems and things to work on but honestly I am trying so so hard to find ways to cope with life and i would really appreciate any help you can offer.
Ive had a ittle taste of who I am and the llife I could have being well....I am completely and utterly terified that i might wake up one day and it will all be gone. I'll be lost again and lonely and desperate inside.
Thought I should just check in with you to make sure ive done everything I can to keep things going well. Dont be offended if you dont hear from me again in a while...just know that I'll be trying my best.
Also whilst Im saying a prayer, please could you help Bert and Ernie to stop toileting in inappropriate places, stop my brother from being in so much pain, look after all the lovely people who go to TFF and seem to get way too much shit thown at them, and please could you just spread a smile over the world so that everyone can feel a bit happier.
Cheers then, orAmen or whatever,
Laura x
Its Laura here. Ive not spoken to you in a very long time. I dont believe you are really as powerful or as good as you think you are, and quite frankly im not sure if you even exist really, only as an idea to give people some sort of hope or meaning or answers.
But on the teeny tiny miniscule off chance that you do exist, somehow, maybe as lots of gods or as Allah or Buddha or Jesus or whatever, or just as the flow of the universe some sort of supernatural aura..i thought now would be a good time to have a chat.
I have a few bones to pick with you and i wont lie, based on the last few years i have been completely unimpressed and disatisfied by your undivine non-intervenention
Now if Im honest, i dont believe that you have much if any control over the world or our lives, i think my future is pretty much down to me...but should you be there somewhere along the way, I'd like you to know that I am working bloody hard to try and get myself well and living a good purposeful life, and I dont really appreciate all the obstacles in the way or illnesses that I seem powerless to control. So if you are able to do anything to make this easier, please please work your magic.
If you are so good and powerful and amazing, why do you let so many good people suffer, and so many bad people have it all cushdy? Also, why did you make hearts so breakable. Surely if you made them a bit more durable there would not be so much heartache in the world.
I lilke that you give millions of people hope and faith and determination to keep going. I miss having faith in you and believing that you will make everything ok. I hope you know that I always try my best to be a good person and I want my life to be worthwhile. i hope it doesn't offend you that i say swear words sometimes and i dont go to Church.
I used to talk to you a lot, and trust in you, and go to Church, and read the Bible and sing the right songs...but Im afraid you let me down, i trusted you to help me and you didnt. So if I make it to Heaven you probably owe me and about 6 billion others an apology.
I am not sorry to you for any of the bad things I have done. I have been sorry to other people and sorry for myself, but not to you....unless you are sorry in return for the state ive been in and no doing much to help. In hindsight, all the bad decisions ive made and bad times have always taught me something or made me stronger, in the end. You did not make me stronger. I found the strength in myself.
So now that Ive got that off my chest, and after I have told you quite bluntly that I am not your biggest fan, Im going to be cheeky and ask for a favour. As you're supposed to be all loving of every single human being and it doesnt matter what I do, I figured this would be ok.
I dont know if its down to you or me or the help ive had, or maybe a mixture, but i am so greatful that the last few months of life have been easier than they have been in years. I've felt so much better, happier, more free. Ive felt like I might have a future and that I could really be somebody and it wont always be this hard. Obviously you know exactly what Im talking about if you are indeed god.
So just incase you are at work somewhere...I wanted to say a little prayer asking if things could stay like this, please. I know life will always have its ups and downs, but i have enjoyed being able to cope and would love for this inner strength and good fortune and positivity to continue.
You see god, just the last few days, ive started to feel more tired, more achey, and a little more nervous. ive been less focused and more fuzzy, and today I cried quite a lot. God, I am terrified of that aching hole i get in my chest, and the darkness that descends and the emptiness returning.
I am going to do all that I can to keep myself well, and keep mental illness at bay. This is a prayer that you would do your bit too, if you have a bit to do. I know ive got some problems and things to work on but honestly I am trying so so hard to find ways to cope with life and i would really appreciate any help you can offer.
Ive had a ittle taste of who I am and the llife I could have being well....I am completely and utterly terified that i might wake up one day and it will all be gone. I'll be lost again and lonely and desperate inside.
Thought I should just check in with you to make sure ive done everything I can to keep things going well. Dont be offended if you dont hear from me again in a while...just know that I'll be trying my best.
Also whilst Im saying a prayer, please could you help Bert and Ernie to stop toileting in inappropriate places, stop my brother from being in so much pain, look after all the lovely people who go to TFF and seem to get way too much shit thown at them, and please could you just spread a smile over the world so that everyone can feel a bit happier.
Cheers then, orAmen or whatever,
Laura x
drunk
I have a hangover. I never get hangovers. I have been sick and I am hot and cold and dizzy and I am never drinking again. This is self-inflicted ofcourse, so there's no point feeling sorry for myself. I just never know when to stop! I dont like alcohol very much now.
Thursday 3 November 2011
Rambling at TFF
This is probably going to be rambly, probably boring and useless too so I wont be offended if yo choose not to read. You probably have better things to do. But I just fancied a ramble. I am sitting at a computer at TFF, we have computers now! so I thought I'd do a bit of bloggering.
I got here at 2.30 today (supposed to be here at 9.30)...my head just seems to be a bit all over the place. But I met Marie for lunch which was nice, even though I have run out of money. Then Meg turned up. Then they left and I just didnt know what to do with myself so I came up here for a bit. Im not sure if Im allowed to do that really, but nobody seemed to mind. I just wanted not to be at home and to be around people, even if I dont talk to them. Makes me feel more normal. And now i am blogging.
Ive been feeling so good recently and excited about life but I am scared that maybe it wont last. I keep putting off going to sleep because I dont want to go to sleep and wake up feeling different. I just want to keep the momentum going. SO Ive been painting and writing and designing and being sociable and i even tidied and cleaned yesterday since my place was becoming pretty disgustingly messy. But staying up for 3 days straight is probably not good. I must remember to try and keep a balance.
Ive just been feeling positive and upbeat and like life is fun...which is great! But inside I am starting to feel just a bit tired, and outside my body is very tired. But I just cant seem to stop! Part of me wants to lay down and take the weight off my legs and go to sleep, the other part just wants to keep on going incase sleeping is wasting my life. But dont panic, I am not heading for a downer, I just got to balance things out...so not get too carried away, and not just give up. Somewhere in the middle is good.
The M.E is starting to get to me. Where Ive been ill for so long with mental health, depression, BPD whatever you want to call it, the tiredness has been a big issue but almost just part of the whole thing. i didnt have any energy or motivation to do anything, I was tired and achey, so I would just stay in bed for days.
Now that I want to get up in the morning, and do things and go places and keep busy, I have really started to notice the M.E more and I dont like it at all. I just want to go go go, but after a few hours doing anything I am shattered and fighting to stay up. My hands seem to stop working if I am painting or typing, my head is still buzzing, so I'll try doing something else but Im too tired for that too. I end up just sitting on my bed, in a world of my won, fighting off sleep but too achey to move, just planning all the things I will do after my rest. And it never feels like I have had much of a rest.
I hate it. But I have realised I am not lazy. I dont think lazy people can suffer from M.E...I used to be sooo busy, and then i got hit by it and I just had no energy anymore. I think its like total burn out...I think you can only get M.E if your someone who is just on the go, one things after the other, cant relax, worries a lot...and then just burns out. Because the people who I've talked to who suffer from it are definitely not lazy people. And I have so many hopes and dreams and interests, that I dont think I am either.
But I beat myself up for it all the time, GET UP YOU SILLY CAT LADY. I am trying to fight it. Im not sure if that is what I should be doing to overcome it or if I should just succumb to its achey exhausted curse....Have an appointment at the clinic on Monday so this might help me with managing it better. It is hard to manage it also living on my own. Things like carrying shopping up the stairs, moving furniture, cleaning...sometimes I just dont have the energy. and OMG, how heavy is cat litter? and cat food? I am such a pathetic weak little peanut it kills me carrying that stuff up the stairs.
Its quite hard to have a balance when your head changes a lot, and I think it is hard when you live on your own. I was thinking about this last night, that maybe the longer I live on my own the more I will become a cat lady and the less sociable I will be. And although I am mostly pretty happy with Bert and Ernie for company, sometimes it gets to me. I wake up and im on my own. I eat on my own. I get on with stuff on my own. I go to bed on my own. It can get a bit lonely.
But at the same time, sometimes I want company and I have friends that i could call or hang out with, but I just find it so much effort sometimes to be around people. i am so self conscious and I worry about what I am going to say or if I am going to be rubbish company. SO sometimes I dont say much. Sometimes my voice and throat just feels too tired and talking is really hard! And I sometimes know what to say in my head but it all comes out wrong.
I am a bit scared that maybe I am talking too much when i do see people, because I dont talk to anyone otherwise, except myself or the cats. And then I dont want to be annoying. But I do need to make sure that I do tlak to real human beings from time to time, even if I am happy pottering about at home.
The chain on my door has broken and I dont know how that happened, but I have rung the housing to get it fixed. It's pretty silly, there is a locked front door, 2 flights of stairs and then a lock on my door, but without the chain I have been quite paranoid that someone is going to burst in at any minute and attack me. But I know it is in my head, but it doesnt stop me worrying.
I have been forgetting to take my tablets, and i ran out. But I am getting some more tomorrow. So that should hopefully sort me out with the sleeping and stuff and all these worries.
But generally, things are just so good at the mo, keeping busy, doing stuff. We are starting lots of new groups and activities at TFF which is exciting, I went along to singing last week, theres going to be lots of arts and crafts and projects which will hopefully be something to burn my energy on and stop me being wriggly and then I can feel a bit more even.
Everyone that has seen my hair says it looks really nice, even though I havent really been too bothered but now when I catch sight of myself in the mirror, Im like oh yeah thats me?! Before, I would think, who is that? So it feels much more right cut off short, a fresh start, and makes me feel kinda arty and cool and look less liek a 12 year old. Its great just wasking up in the morning and not having to do anything with my hair, i dont even brush it and it just looks kinda cool. Yay me.
This evening I am set to go out bowling with Meg and her boyfriend Graham. And both his brothers, his parents, thier land lady and her children. Yeah I didnt know there would be all those people going but Ive agreed to go, because It should be fun. I just hope we're not out too late as it gets to a point when my brain stops communicating with my body and my legs dont want to move and my fingers go all clumsy, I'll start dropping everything.But apparantly bowling is only £2 a game, and a pint is 1.50. So as I only have £10 in my purse I figured this would be a good way to make the most of it. Thats a game of bowling 4 drinks, so maybe I will just get really drunk and then sleep well tonight.
I should also be sensible though. My medication and alcohol dont seem to like each other very much. Always a laugh though. It's good that Im going out, doing stuff, keeping busy. I know Im not really talking about anything on here but I love how blogging just helps me offload.
I like blogging here at Whitfield, I can concentrate a lot better. No cats sipping my coffee and sitting on the keyboard and attacking my feet. Cushdy. Out the window I can see Chloe and Amy, the girly goats. They are lovely. I keep seeeing cats everywhere though out the corner of my eye. Its pretty miserable outside, it definitely brings me down when the weather is grey like this. But it has just finished raining and now the sun is coming out. I like the sun coming out.
I got here at 2.30 today (supposed to be here at 9.30)...my head just seems to be a bit all over the place. But I met Marie for lunch which was nice, even though I have run out of money. Then Meg turned up. Then they left and I just didnt know what to do with myself so I came up here for a bit. Im not sure if Im allowed to do that really, but nobody seemed to mind. I just wanted not to be at home and to be around people, even if I dont talk to them. Makes me feel more normal. And now i am blogging.
Ive been feeling so good recently and excited about life but I am scared that maybe it wont last. I keep putting off going to sleep because I dont want to go to sleep and wake up feeling different. I just want to keep the momentum going. SO Ive been painting and writing and designing and being sociable and i even tidied and cleaned yesterday since my place was becoming pretty disgustingly messy. But staying up for 3 days straight is probably not good. I must remember to try and keep a balance.
Ive just been feeling positive and upbeat and like life is fun...which is great! But inside I am starting to feel just a bit tired, and outside my body is very tired. But I just cant seem to stop! Part of me wants to lay down and take the weight off my legs and go to sleep, the other part just wants to keep on going incase sleeping is wasting my life. But dont panic, I am not heading for a downer, I just got to balance things out...so not get too carried away, and not just give up. Somewhere in the middle is good.
The M.E is starting to get to me. Where Ive been ill for so long with mental health, depression, BPD whatever you want to call it, the tiredness has been a big issue but almost just part of the whole thing. i didnt have any energy or motivation to do anything, I was tired and achey, so I would just stay in bed for days.
Now that I want to get up in the morning, and do things and go places and keep busy, I have really started to notice the M.E more and I dont like it at all. I just want to go go go, but after a few hours doing anything I am shattered and fighting to stay up. My hands seem to stop working if I am painting or typing, my head is still buzzing, so I'll try doing something else but Im too tired for that too. I end up just sitting on my bed, in a world of my won, fighting off sleep but too achey to move, just planning all the things I will do after my rest. And it never feels like I have had much of a rest.
I hate it. But I have realised I am not lazy. I dont think lazy people can suffer from M.E...I used to be sooo busy, and then i got hit by it and I just had no energy anymore. I think its like total burn out...I think you can only get M.E if your someone who is just on the go, one things after the other, cant relax, worries a lot...and then just burns out. Because the people who I've talked to who suffer from it are definitely not lazy people. And I have so many hopes and dreams and interests, that I dont think I am either.
But I beat myself up for it all the time, GET UP YOU SILLY CAT LADY. I am trying to fight it. Im not sure if that is what I should be doing to overcome it or if I should just succumb to its achey exhausted curse....Have an appointment at the clinic on Monday so this might help me with managing it better. It is hard to manage it also living on my own. Things like carrying shopping up the stairs, moving furniture, cleaning...sometimes I just dont have the energy. and OMG, how heavy is cat litter? and cat food? I am such a pathetic weak little peanut it kills me carrying that stuff up the stairs.
Its quite hard to have a balance when your head changes a lot, and I think it is hard when you live on your own. I was thinking about this last night, that maybe the longer I live on my own the more I will become a cat lady and the less sociable I will be. And although I am mostly pretty happy with Bert and Ernie for company, sometimes it gets to me. I wake up and im on my own. I eat on my own. I get on with stuff on my own. I go to bed on my own. It can get a bit lonely.
But at the same time, sometimes I want company and I have friends that i could call or hang out with, but I just find it so much effort sometimes to be around people. i am so self conscious and I worry about what I am going to say or if I am going to be rubbish company. SO sometimes I dont say much. Sometimes my voice and throat just feels too tired and talking is really hard! And I sometimes know what to say in my head but it all comes out wrong.
I am a bit scared that maybe I am talking too much when i do see people, because I dont talk to anyone otherwise, except myself or the cats. And then I dont want to be annoying. But I do need to make sure that I do tlak to real human beings from time to time, even if I am happy pottering about at home.
The chain on my door has broken and I dont know how that happened, but I have rung the housing to get it fixed. It's pretty silly, there is a locked front door, 2 flights of stairs and then a lock on my door, but without the chain I have been quite paranoid that someone is going to burst in at any minute and attack me. But I know it is in my head, but it doesnt stop me worrying.
I have been forgetting to take my tablets, and i ran out. But I am getting some more tomorrow. So that should hopefully sort me out with the sleeping and stuff and all these worries.
But generally, things are just so good at the mo, keeping busy, doing stuff. We are starting lots of new groups and activities at TFF which is exciting, I went along to singing last week, theres going to be lots of arts and crafts and projects which will hopefully be something to burn my energy on and stop me being wriggly and then I can feel a bit more even.
Everyone that has seen my hair says it looks really nice, even though I havent really been too bothered but now when I catch sight of myself in the mirror, Im like oh yeah thats me?! Before, I would think, who is that? So it feels much more right cut off short, a fresh start, and makes me feel kinda arty and cool and look less liek a 12 year old. Its great just wasking up in the morning and not having to do anything with my hair, i dont even brush it and it just looks kinda cool. Yay me.
This evening I am set to go out bowling with Meg and her boyfriend Graham. And both his brothers, his parents, thier land lady and her children. Yeah I didnt know there would be all those people going but Ive agreed to go, because It should be fun. I just hope we're not out too late as it gets to a point when my brain stops communicating with my body and my legs dont want to move and my fingers go all clumsy, I'll start dropping everything.But apparantly bowling is only £2 a game, and a pint is 1.50. So as I only have £10 in my purse I figured this would be a good way to make the most of it. Thats a game of bowling 4 drinks, so maybe I will just get really drunk and then sleep well tonight.
I should also be sensible though. My medication and alcohol dont seem to like each other very much. Always a laugh though. It's good that Im going out, doing stuff, keeping busy. I know Im not really talking about anything on here but I love how blogging just helps me offload.
I like blogging here at Whitfield, I can concentrate a lot better. No cats sipping my coffee and sitting on the keyboard and attacking my feet. Cushdy. Out the window I can see Chloe and Amy, the girly goats. They are lovely. I keep seeeing cats everywhere though out the corner of my eye. Its pretty miserable outside, it definitely brings me down when the weather is grey like this. But it has just finished raining and now the sun is coming out. I like the sun coming out.
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