Whodunnit

I just had the enjoyable delightful and revolting experience of finding a few poo's in my art box. 

I'm not sure why these were here. I'm pretty sure they are not mine.

Rather than getting upset upon discovering this hidden treasure and swearing and getting distressed, I am instead being calm and collected and dealing with this messy situation, by simply documenting it on my blog..Something that is very normal to do in order to cope when disaster strikes.

I best just go clear it up...bleach scrubber, poop pickerupper...

 I have a suspicion that the poo in question belongs to either Bert or Ernie.

At a court hearing, each suspect was confronted with the evidence, examined for looks of remorse or shame, given a chance to testify thier innocence, and photographed.

The judge ruled that there was not sufficient proof to convict either furry, faeces throwing, flactuating feline of this crime.

The case has now be open to the jury.

Both suspects have been released on bail.

To your left you will see a poll to vote for which furry culprit  should be convicted of this felony.

Smooth Criminal Ernie said he was way too cute to commit such an unthinkable crime,
and looked waay too chillaxed to panic and poop in a box

Bad-Ass Bertie used the super power of TheKittenEyes to deny the offence,
and looked waay too adorable to be guilty of such innapropriate naughty behaviour.

Damn you cats.

I just dunno which little guy what Whodunnit.

But I can confirm that I do know it definitely wasnt me.

If either of you boys happen to be reading my blog, this is a polite notice to say would you please use the litter tray at all times.
In future, those convicted of breaking these rules will be charged a £50 fine.

P.S mummy is very sorry for embarassing you publicly like this, but its ok, everyone has accidents from time to time.
I am only a little bit cross and on the whole you two terrific troublesome disgusting shitty kitties are just lovely.

Oops!

i went along to art therapy today
i worred because i was late
by 64 minutes because i thought i had art therapy at 10,
i had my sketchpad an evrythin

but then
Turns out art therapy is tomorrow
at 3.30
so it is a relief to know, i wasn't late, but early!

so now i can have a nap in bed
And go tomorrow when Im sposed to instead :-)

Philosophy on a Monday

This morning so far has been pretty darn good, i got up and had cornflakes and a coffee like you should. And I went to take Darcy the dog for a walk, got out in the sun, its a beautiful day, lovely and sunny and warm on my skin, feeling the breeze in my hair and wearing a grin inside.  

And i thought to myself that i couldnt remember the last time i stepped out in the sun, or had some fun and enjoyed the day, to be honest the days have been slipping away. But not anymore, Im up and Im ready...I can feel the sunshine and fire in my belly. No more sitting round staring blankly at the telly...starting to turn my life around and not be such a nelly.

I wonder where the summer went, was it hot or not? i dont know how its nearly october and ive spent almost an entire year, just basically wishing I wasnt here, and sleeping a lot, and waiting around for my insides to rot. But this is not the life i had longed for, and i'm feeling stonger so Im starting my year today...better late than never they say. And no time like the present, which is a gift, and yesterday is history tomorrow is a mystery and blah de blah etc.

So guess what i managed to get to library, im typing this here with some people beside me.
And Im sorry to say that i didnt make it here on saturday, despite my efforts and determination. It just felt like a bit too much and i pushed myself but i couldnt get up....but who really cares because although i failed the other day, i didnt really fail because I made it today, Im here now innit...
not worrying about life and starting to live it.

We have little desks that make me feel important, and the computer is sooo much quicker than mine, and things are going slicker as there's no cats to leap about the place and lick my face and sit on the mouse, and shit round the house and meow at me and hack thier claws into my knee.... so i can actually see the screen and i can write at lightning speed, or i could if I was better at typing and the hype in my head was better at writing.

But anyway, im glad that I got out today and had the strength to start the day. I'm a little bit scared that this feeling will go, as I start to feel happy then once again get filled with sorrow and i cant take that anymore. no more crying on the floor, i got to keep it together.
And writing my blog in the library is cool, and i dont know whether I can keep this up but im hoping so, so wish me luck.

Feeling lighter like a feather, i hope i can keep strong whatever because I dont want to be ill, i want to be well. And I'm doing it myself and life feels so much better, and Ive written an important letter to the person i dont want to be, and I must remember that who I am today, is me. Because sometimes I lose myself you see.

But Im hoping things will stay this way, that i can live to face another day. And I don't even feel the need to pray anymore, and tell god hes a knob and ask him what hes ignoring me for, as i didnt get many answers before. And not that it matters but i personally believe, that theres no such thing as god, or adam and eve...no mighty force to give you what your need, or heavenly power who is gonna make it ok...this lifes down to you and you do it your way.

And I would say Im just a spiritualist, not a Christian or Atheist or Buddhist or muslim chick, but no offence to anyone who might believe in this. But if i was going to pick a way of life, i like the way that Buddha is. Happy and nice and leads a good life, doesnt tell lies, is very wise, and clearly doesnt worry about eating too many pies. I'd like to be more like that.

I'm finding my way by finding myself, and putting sadness and emptiness back on the shelf. Saying hello to my new mental health, And good bye to the girl who had lost herself.

Positive and head screwed on and thinking much more straight, i think ive turned a corner and opened a brand new gate to a brand new me where i am starting to feel more free. And the thing that is helping me the lost is just reminding myself from time to time, that right now in this moment, this life is actually mine.

And that not everything has to rhyme.

Anyway so thats enough positivity for one day, now my timer on the computer is running out so I will have to go and get back to my kitties, though I might go into town if Im feeling brave enough to be seen in public. And i will try to remember to hold my head high and not look at the ground, and try to ignore it if my head gets too loud. I am going to act like a normal human being, and acting like a person who acts like this could actually be quite freeing.

 

Finding Home

Today has been a productive day. Ive rearranged my furniture, which i tend to do a lot when things just dont feel right, to try and make them feel more righter.

And since i moved here 9 months ago it hasnt really felt like home, but now its starting to feel so much brighter, my load feels lighter. The cats make it much more homely, and ive put things where i want them to be.

No need to rearrange again, and hopefully the urge will keep at bay, this is where i want things to stay.
If i want to do art and be creative and well, i must do it myself, so I've basically made my lounge into an office. But it is also still a lounge because theres a sofa and a tv and a rug, to make me feel at home.

And gone through my crap and put out what i need to be able to type and write and read jot stuff down, and also have sketchpad and pencils around, and got my ipod in its dock, and found the remote control for it.
Ive made myself a computer desk, by putting together the furniture i had into the ideal shape, that creates the illusion of an airy space.

Desk facing the window to look outside, cats curled up on thier bed beside. Have paintbrushes and watercolours, and paper to paint pictures on when the mood arises.
So now I have no excuse not to do things I want to do,  to be an artist or a writer, or maybe study to be a kick-ass-super-hero-kung-fu fighter, because i can get it on with it now.

instead of just sitting in my flat and feeling out of place,  this is now my space to be me, and i can be free. And its strange that simply by having a rearrange has made me feel, its time for change.

It's a beautiful sunday afternoon and I'm taking control of my life :-)

My Ipod and me

I'm laying in bed on a saturday, basicaly typing my life away. been up all night not slept at all, my brain was awake, and im thinking a lot but it is ok, im cool, because Im not too cold and not too hot and nice and cosy in my flat.
got my cats.

I laid awake last night and managed to figure out the mening of life, which I have forgotten now as it became quite complex so I wont bore you with the details.

so its quarter to 11 on a saturday afternoon and i planned to be heading out soon because its good for someone whos a bit agoraphobic and unaerobic to go out from time to time, and live some life, but i think I'll do that later.

Later on today i will make sure i go out and Im going to go to the lbrary again, and mayb will make some friends? And I like to see what there books are about, and its a nice little walk, and it gets me out. And I will be brave and pop downstairs to see my neighbour and havvacuppa and a chat, and be a friend and lend a hand because then i will have done my good deed for the day and can hopefully go to bed tonight and get a bit of shut eye.

Its tempting to go to sleep right now but its best to stay awake, I could lay down and rest my head but this would be a mistake.... You see if i go to sleep right now I wont wake up for ages, not until later this evening which will mean another night all out of sorts, which isnt probably right, really

At the end of the day im not an owl, im not nocturnal, and normal people sleep at night. And if i lay here dozing then start my day much later, the library will be closing and i might run out of paper from writing too much or scribbling stuff, because that is how i like to deal with stuff..

I have got my ipod on, on shuffle- thats the best. it is a bit like picnmix i think, you just dont know whats coming next. and sometmes its a happy song or groovy boppin tune, and sometimes it is rock and roll or pop or rhythmic blues. Sometimes songs are sad and strike a chord with me. And I can play chords on the piano sometimes perfectly. If I had one, which I do not. But I wish I had a piano because although i cant read music and dont really know the buttons, my fingers can play with what i am feeling.....and i dont know if it would sound much good to anybody else, but i like to make tunes up with myself. And i like to watch my fingers move up and down and tinker on a piano.
But basically i often feel that the ipod shuffle is connecting with me telapathically, like the tune is always just right just then, apart from now, when Bob The Builder has come on. I dont know why this crud is even on my ipod, bacause its not even a proper song, and now ive even put it on my blog. How embarassing. and Im pretty sure it shouldnt be contaminating my playlist like this and making things all wrong. Skip. Next Song... crap. skip.gay....skip.... crap. skip. Next...crap. So basically, I'm talking crap because we dont always have connectivity me and my lovely jubbly ipod suffley and me. But now and then, it talks to me.

Sometmes I like to listen, and sometimes i like to sing along in my head. sometimes I like to sing along out loud, and pretend im a popstar, in a bed, using a pen as a little microphone...i think everybody pretends to do this sometimes when the're at home?

Sometimes i like to feel the lyrics, or try to write them down...but most of all i like it as background music to drown aout my very random thoughts, and im not really listening but it just seems to calm things down, i suppose because the outside noise makes the inner noise less loud.

Bert is climbing under the duvet and clawing at my foot, and Ernie is climbing up the curtain like Tarzan and swinging off the curtain rail and about to make the leap of faith from my second floor window and plummet to his death, but luckily the windows closed so no need to hold your breath. He's safe and sound, safe and round now skidding on the floor. He's having a ride on a Polly Pocket, u know those shiny things what go in a folder to look after your paper and make you look oranized. but I am so disorganised and my plastic pockets are not organised at all. They are scattered on the floor, and i cant even really remember how they go there anymore. but those things have a habit of sliding out of places if you ever dropped a handful and then tried to pick them up, they tend to slide about everywhere and you never get much luck.

But as far as a Kitten who thinks that hes Tarzan is concerned, PPs are the best game ever, the slippier the better, you run and leap, then slip and slide and ride along and get to places quicker. You can use it like a sledge...it glides along the floor and you look a total ledge! And now his brother is joining to play, and theyre havin a race on thier pollyplastic roller skates and surfin about all over the place. Looks great fun. Be great if they could clear it up too.

My room is a disgrace. i should really tidy up, i'll write that on my list. My list which would probably take longer to read from start to finish, than it would to do a simple task, such as 'put out the rubbish', but i tend to remember to do these things, then get up to do it.
Then get up and forget what i was doing, so thats why i like to write it down, which probably isnt right but thats just what im like.

But anyway, the boys are curled up now by my feet and my ipods shufflin a chilled out beat, some David Gray, to sail away, the verve, bitter Sweet symphony...i told you my ipod talks to me, that rhymed and thats true and it fits you see!

Perfect timing in this moment right now, what a lovely day...
but like I said ive not really got up yet, and the day is just beginning. so in a moment this moment will be gone and i will get up and i wil move on and do somethings off my list and the things i mentioned earlier, and i need to get up....and it might all go tits up from here but then again it might be ite. but then again like i said, it might just all go right tits up... we`ll just hav to roll the dice and hope for luck, so wish me cheer and a day that good, and i wish you the same if you have read up to here, because i take my hat off to you for obviously having nothing better else to do and therefore wasting your time reading my twaddle, but if you stopped by....Here's to wish you a lovely day.
And I am not in fact actully wearing a hat so i cannot take it off, but I meant it in the metaphorical sense.
So here i go the ipod flow, getting up, off i go im off to start the day...but not actual as i was typing it when i said it then, but im gonna go now.. bye:-)

My Brother Luke

A Little boy, 
My Big Brother,
a Very Lovely Chap,
a Brave Person.....

A Nerd, GeekChicGadgetBoy, 'Special' :-).....

TOTALL LEGEND

I hate computers!

I am trying to do some fancy things to my blog, like add some tabs and make it posh, but I cant find the buttons or knobs I need and I dont even know what most of these words mean that talk in computer jargon language like HTML- what the hell? And what the heck did I just press to minimise the screen and now everything is tiny and its making me whiney cos now its all too small and I cant see at all and I cant get it bigger again, and like I said I dont really know what im doing.

Like what is Earl, I mean URL which reminds me of  My Name Is Earl which is quite funny, and he believes in karma which I think I do too, though not when I'm blue because then karma would mean that I deserve to feel the way I do, which is sometimes like poo, and  I'm not sure if that's fair, though life isn't fair, but back to Earl his accents annoying and I am digressing....

The point I am stressing is that I'm trying to make a blog that is good and more easily understood with a few little links to tidy it up so that things can make sense and it would look pretty good. And its annoying because i know in my head exactly what I mean and I've tried reading how to do it but my brain is too foggy to read so havn't manage to grasp it and its getting quite frustrating, sitting at a PC when Im not that good with technology

But I do like writing and I am finding that typing is the best way I can write because my hand doesn't work when I'm holding the pen and my spellings so bad it probably wouldnt make sense, and the other annoying thing is that I have two cats who like to chase the arrow on the screen every time Im trying to read so they get in the way, so I cant see anyway, and then they step on the keyboard which really causes a delay and makes me shout things like Hey and Go Away but they just stay sitting on the keys and pretending they are cute, and type things i dont want to say, which could be quite funny and would be a hoot if only they didnt start meowing so i have to then get up and feed them, and I sit back down, with a frown, as by now ive forgotton what I was doing, and ive not got very far, and it is all seeming like too big a task to bother with anymore,.....

But i carry on as Im not a quitter so I sit back down and look at the monitor and then one of Bernie will claw at my leg and be climbing up my pyjama leg.  And the other one of Bernie will be sitting on my head and I just end up thinking maybe I should just go to bed because I am in my pjs anyway, yes I always wear them, but to be fair I should be asleep now Im normally in bed by about 8, which isnt late at all, but if someone was to ask I might say I go at 11 or so, which would actually be a lie and I would probably just say that because it is a bit embarassing to admit that i am such a granny and barely out my teens, and I should be out doing things other people do but instead i am sat in my flat with a cat or two and faffing over ICT which is supposed to come easily to the youth of today and it doesnt to me, because I tend to overcomplicate things in my head or my brain cant quite process things together which means my brain is in a fog and I never get very far when it comes to improving my blog.

And basically what I am saying is that I wish I had studied better at ICT and maybe passed my GCSE for that particular subject as it would have come in useful at this particular moment. As would doing food technology or wordwork or something with a purpose because it would be nice to know how to cook a really good meal but I never really picked it up and since living alone ive had to find out how to change a light bulb and put up curtains and take down shelves and ive taken this upon my self because although i have spent 15 years or more in education, they did not educate me much about life or prepare me for this situation.

Yes I learnt to read and write and I learnt a bit of wrong from right and to be polite, how to do maths things and multply and work out pi and Pythagoras's sodding theorem, which i really cant remember now, and i have no idea how it would ever be useful to any human being ever, but whatever. Although saying that, i passed my maths GCSE but i worked bloody hard and I got a B, which I thought was good since I didnt have a clue, and am sure I am number dyslexic as I cant always tell 25 from 52 but again I am going off track and thats not what I was planning to do....

I was just going to say that Im not very good doing stuff thats all tech, but im trying to teach myself and not getting very far , Im not getting very far with what i am trying to do and it seems to be quite difficult and not soemthing that comes easily to me, not like my brother Luke, you see,,,,,,,....and oh for gawd sake its all frozen again and my screen has gone funny and my eyes are going runny and the words are blurry, so im stroking my cats because they are nice and soft and warm and comforting and furry. I love you Bert and Ernie.

Anyway what I was going to say is that my internets too slow and i cant make it go any quicker which is annoying, and what is flickr? and ive signed up on twitter but i dont get that either, and im struggling to make my blog look neater, not that it really matters at all but i am a perfectionist and i want my blog to be cool and words are seeming to rhyme in my head quite a lot this evening, and I wonder if this has any meaning to anyone, or if you think im completely insane, and Im not sure what is happening to my brain but it would be a lot better if I could just concentrate on the task in hand and then it probably wouldnt take so long and things might stop going wrong.

But it is seeming that I have once again gone off again on a tangent again which wasnt what this particular post is about, as i was hoping to write something about computers which leads me onto my favourite nerd, its quite absurd but he is geek chic and my brother Luke has some sense when it comes to computers and things that require some intelligence, and he is good for PC maintenance and could probably get me out of this sticky situation and maybe even say something nerdy about my rhyming infactuation.

I think that I need my brother Luke, hes a total geek, and not by fluke he is much cleverer than me you see and also much braver as he fights very hard, hes always in pain with athritis or something like that, the doctors arent sure, and hes only 22 but has a walking stick and cant run anymore but he is brave and he works in a shop which is more than i do and i am proud of him that he carries on even when things arenet easy. And i dont think he reads my blog or knows that it exists so he probably wont see this which is good because it would embarass him as I am his little sister skin and blister and he would probably just be like "What the hell is up with you Loz, why do you keep rhyming things?", he's very sarcastic and likes to be mean to me because that is how we show our love for eachother but deep down we care and love one another.....

Anyway what i was saying is that if my brother Luke was here, the cats would calm down and I'd have no fear, I could just chill out and have a beer because he is good on the computer and stuff and he could probably do what I am trying to do very easily and without any fuss and he would say that I am so silly for getting in a tiz when I should have just called him instead of writing this shiz at 2.15 in the morning whilst most people are snoring in dreams that are hazy, but no, my brain is going crazy and Im wide awake though my body is lazy  even though my heads so quick but I cant just lay down and go to sleep I have to keep typing and all i can think about is doing some writing to offload my brain from all these thoughts which i am thinking too much about.

It would be good if I could say them out loud but I cant partly because I would only be talking to myself and its more effort than I can muster, and also because when I try to talk I get into a fluster, I mutter and stutter and the words come out wrong so Im just writing it down to calm it all down, and blimey this is getting long...

i do go on, Im very sorry, I drive myself barmy.

Had a good day at the Funny Farmy which I was thinking of shortening to 'TFF', for the sake of writing, or I did think its called 'Whitfields' so WTF, but then I think that to some people that means something different. Like what the Fudge or Friggin hell or what the Flamin nuggets....if you get my drift the word Im talking about begins with F and I dont want to write it incase innocent minds are reading and i might teach them bad language. Though to be honest I dont have an issue with swearing, I like to say 'fuck' from time to time but I am afraid my Mum might be reading and she may not share my feeling that its ok to be Efiin and Bleedin.

Fuck sake I have deterred again...and I also worried that if I shorten the word 'Whitfields' people will think well what is Whitfields? and then I would have to re-explain, and its a lot of effort to do that again, so i think I will stick with TFF, which officially stands for The Funny Farm. I wish my head would just be calm.

And if my brother Luke were here I am just saying that this dilemma would probably never have happened in the first place and right now I miss Luke Callaway's face, and it is weird that I am thinking this as he is probably not thinking of his sis. But thats just me, I think a lot, i think I might be losing the plot, so I'm going to go and have a cigarette and try and go to sleep, and come back in the morning when I have calmed down a little bit, and maybe I will call my bro and things can start to go to flow and my blog will be amazing. And I hope that it doesnt embarass you, Lukey, when you see that your sister is crazy, and sadly, ever nearing the fate of a Mad as a Hatter Cat Lady.

I ♥ my brother.

And here are some pictures of some picturesthat make me happy,

memories of our brotherandsisterhood,

and also picturesthat make me a little bit sad,

pictures of a happy chappy and happy little girl before life got more complicated, like it does sometimes.

But we've always had each eachother and I think that makes you stronger.

This is our first dog Max, who I loved the most in the world, and baby Luke

This is us being little and having a tea party

after he decided to give me a haircut

This is two cheeky happy faces

This is an angry face and a little flowery blue pretend pixie

This is my brother Luke and me, almost half my life ago (!)

This is my brother Luke with a monkey on his head

Noticed

I was out of bed at 7.30am, which is quite frankly, a miracle.

I am very happy this morning upon finding that a fellow human being has actually read my blog, and recommended it, and even quoted me, as if what I have to say might have been interesting and useful.

This makes me feel a little bit important and is encouraging to know that I am not just all about the useless waffle and rubbishness. LOOK: www.havecoffeewillwrite.com/?p=28371  

Off to the farm of Joy now...finishing my coffee and out I go into the big wide world.

The Funny Farm

Bert and Ernie have had a traumatic day. We went to the vets and they had their jab so now they are all sterilised and stuff. The vets was at 10am and I missed it but my mum helped me to go this afternoon and the vet lady didnt tell me off. Bernie were very good, even though we had to squish them both into a handbag which they didnt like very much. They meowed a bit and I felt really mean but I spose it is for their own good.

Unfortunately one of them did a massive wee in the bag and when we got home they were both soaking wet with wee...I ran a little bath for them and dipped them in and they didnt like that at all. My bathroom is very wet now and they are having a bit of a strop.

To be fair though I got in a strop with them yesterday when I was in bed and one of them clawed my face in the dark and I have a cut on my head and I got  nose bleed. It realy scared me cos I couldnt see, it hurt and i shocked myself because I just shouted ow and then burst into tears, like a 5 year old does when they graze their knee. And then hid under my duvet and ignored them for a bit.

My legs caned last night even when I went to bed I am so achey. I couldnt get up this morning, I should have gone to The Funny Farm, but Im going to go tomorrow instead.

The Funny Farm (called Whitfields)  is good...I think I am very lucky to have a place like this to go to. There are pigs and sheeps and goats, and people to hang out with for a while. Sometimes I plant some seeds and sometimes I do some pottery stuff. Once I made a fruit bowl from clay and I was very proud of it.

Pottery is actually quite hard....you have to get all the bubbles out the clay and smooth it out and then make your whatever you are making, make it and then it goes in the biscuit fire to get cooked, and then you sand it down a bit and paint it. you have to paint it 3 times so that there are enough layers. Then it goes in the oven again to be baked. My fruit bowl is green and yellow with lots of leaves coming out, and then little lady birds on the top. It took me months to do. Unfortunately it doesn't fit much fruit in it because it is a funny shape, and when Ernie was a baby he knocked it off the table and some of the leaves broke off.

We grow vegetables and things and you spend the day and then come home and feel that you have served a purpose in life. And its really pretty there, I love the animals. There are lots of beautiful flowers and some very nice trees too. Sometimes I like to take pictures of the colourful flowers, like these:

At The Funny Farm we used to have a big Pig called Rasher and he was very old. He departed this life and went to Piggy Heaven earlier this year and that was really sad, I liked Rasher the best and sometimes I liked to get in his little house with him and have a cuddle. But he was blind and very very fat and I dont think he really knew I was there. I think thats why I liked him so much.

Now at The Funny Farm we got some new baby piglets a few months ago. They are 4 girls called Rosie, Peggy, Babe and Ebony. I helped name Ebony because she is the blackest piglet. They are very cuddly and snorty and they like to chew your shoes and I dont have much velcro on my trainers anymore. But they are really big now even though they are babies, and they used to be so little. I tried to take some pictures but they move too much so I didnt really get a good one. Thats Peggy:

Anyway so The Funny Farm is very therepuetic and nice, and there are lots of lovely people there too. I hate  it when I plan to go and then I cant get up and I find I am too exhausted to go and spend the day there. The girly goats are nice too, called Chloe and Amy and they like to have their hair brushed sometimes. I'm going to go tomorrow, and finish making whatever it was that I started making in Pottery, I cant remember now.

I have my appointment at the M.E clinic next week, which Ive waited abut 6 months for, so hoping they will be able to suggest ways to help me be more awake and less in pain. Some people say M.E is laziness disease, well I'd just like to say that you really dont have a clue and unless you are a doctor it is not your place to diagnose me as Lazy. I cant remember what M.E stand for but I do know it is a real thing and it does mean your life isnt how you want your life to be, because you cant do all the things you could do before. Sometimes I feel really horrible like having the flu but without the runny nose and everything is so hard, and a cup of tea feels too heavy to hold or my brain is confused and even writing is too hard and I cant hold the pen. I'm basically a granny.

I dont really say to anyone how much I ache and fuzzly my brain is and that I am exhausted, partly because I dont want to complain and mostly because Im scared they will tell me that Im just not trying very hard. And it looks like theres nothing wrong with me so they might not believe me. I get upset when sometimes I cant do what I am trying to do and if people say I should try harder.... no I dont just find it fun to make up symptoms and spend hours motionless in bed, awake but with my eyes closed because the light hurts my eyes. I am not lazy at all and I get very frustrated, I hate feeling like I do sometimes, and it isnt nice to feel like your body is gonna fall down after just popping to the shop.

I am the only one who knows how I feel. I like writing this blog because at least I get to explain it to myself a bit rather than just beat myself up about it. And by using words on a page is the only way I can explain it. I do get down sometimes when I feel that I am missing out on life, when I know my friends are at uni or working or partying on a Friday night and I am tucked up in bed and hurting all over. I do and I wish I could do cool stuff too. I cant wait til I am well enough to go to uni and go out on a Friday night without getting so nervous and my head worrying about every possible thing that could go wrong and feeling scared of talking to people and being worried that after 8pm I might just fall asleep and completely embarass myself.

But cant complain as things could be a lot lot worse and at least I have my kittens and I like art and writing, which you mostly get to sit down for. But I also love cycling and swimming and running and going out and going places, but these things are normally too difficult now....or if I do got for a bike ride I then ache for about 4 days afterwards or cant move the next day. But I do little bits at a time, and at least I have a comfy bed to take naps in. I saved up for it and its lush :)

Im glad to be home now, in my dressing gown once again, which is not too bad as its past 6 oclock and at least Ive been out today. I am achey and tired and too tired to write so i will be back tomorrow after Whitfield. I'd quite like to do some painting but depends if my brain is co-ordinating with my hand and if I can hold the paintbrush without my fingers going numb and my arm nearly falling off. Sometimes I have to glue it back on.

Sherbert Lemons

Bernie keep stealing them. First my cigarettes, and now my Sherbert Lemons.

Thinking

I think, that inside my head, somewhere, is a very sensible and balanced and switched on brain. This is my Me-ness.

This brain gets confused with my other not so good brain Its just really swooshed and mushed with a lot of crap that makes it very complicated and confusing and blurry. It cant think straight. it makes my Me brain not even think straight because its all squiggly and wriggling round and caught up and foggy. Neither of these brains work in time with what the other one is thinking or sometimes how Im feeling or what she is doing or saying.
Sometimes, though, when Im either Arting or Writing, my sensible normal Me brain can come out and it always feels a lot better afterwards.

I also think I think too much, and so does she, and I dont think there is a cure for that. I have tried thinking less but then all I can think about is that I am trying not to think and that I have to keep telling my thoughts to leave me alone, and I think of ways to make it stop, which just results in more thinking. A vicious cycle.

It would be good if I could use my thinking powers to think of something really good that no-ones ever thought of before. Maybe if i could think of a way to stop people from overthinking, and invent a little button that does the trick. I would be a squillionaire. And then I would think very hard about how to best spend my earnings to save the world, and I think I would still not be able to think of the answer.

Why are my thoughts talking so much inside my head and coming out through my fingers when I type? Stop thinking Laura, and go away brains. Shut. up.

Braveness

I feel a little like a weight has been lifted. I was brave and shared a weeny bit of my messiness in Art Therapy.

Lesley listened to me, and I thought she would maybe want to shake me or something or not want to be contaminated by my evilness. But she just listened, and she didnt judge me. She didnt even get a bit cross with me. She didnt tell me I was bad or mad or beyond help, even though for all i know she may be thinking it, (and Im very very paranoid), but she didnt let on. She didnt seem completely repulsed by me.

I wore something other than joggers and a hoody, and I tried to make myself look a little bit alive with some mascara and a hairband. I might have even acted like a mature, 20 year old woman. I tried very hard to hold it together. I only cried a little bit afterwards, in private. Mostly out of frustration I think, and a bit of shame and embarassment and remorse, and mostly out of general ARRRRGHHHHHHHness. And because the head inside my head was making me feel crap, and another bit of me felt really scared. Only cried for like 3 minutes though, and then I was totally cool.

Found a penny picked it up now all day I'll have good luck.

Im home now, and I need a cup of tea, because I didnt get to drink all mine in Art Therapy and then I couldnt bear to sit in the waiting room and drink it, where people might actually SEE me, which would be awful for them, or even worse, try to talk to me, which would be a compleeete nightmare.

I also need a cigarette. But I am telling myself  that I dont really. I just think I do.
This is a complete lie ofcourse as I do need a cigarette and will probably die without one, but Paul McKenna said this method of thinking will help. What a knob.

Today I was brave and I tried my very best, and I spose thats all you can do :)

EEK

I have Art Therapy later today.

After last weeks session, where I just wanted the ground to swallow me up and it took every bit of me not to get up and run, I am a little bit nervous.

Im not really sure why it felt so bad...I just felt, like, naked. Like I had been turned inside out and all my ugliest bits were just hanging out on the table for Lesley to see. Uncomfortable.

But she said thats why its Therapy. Its not too nice...but I guess its like you got to get to the yucky bits to clean them up a bit and start again. 

Sometimes I try not talking to her, so I can just draw or paint or something, but then I feel  like Im being rude for not talking. Sometimes I talk to her and forget the art bit and then feel bad for not drawing anything.

I got to stop thinking so much my head does my head in!

Normally my head is very LOUD and it doesnt even make sense to me so I dont know what to say, or sometimes I know what I want to say or what I want to draw but it all comes out wrong or my voice doesn't come out at all because I get all nervy.

But, anyway, today.... I am gonna have a shower and get dressed and..... put some make-up on because I only ever do that when I mean business. And Im going to go to Art Therapy and be brave and honest and willing, and be someone who is holding it together so that I can say what I mean to say or draw what i mean to draw or pastel or ink or whatever, and leave feeling like PHEW. Mind you I normally tell myself to do this when I go and it rarely happens. But....just gotta keep trying!

Bernie have gone a bit bananas this morning. They are chasing a ball and playing fetch. I think they think they are dogs, Bert even rolls over and gives me paw. So far today I have had 1 cigarettes, and 0 Sherbert Lemons.

Library Books

Ok so I was a bit late but managed to get to Lyndsay's and take Darcy out for a walkies. Was nice to see Lyndsey and I can relax now knowing that I have done my good deed for the day. It makes me feel good to know that I am helping her out.

Today I have done something very exciting and productive and grown-up. I registered at the Library which means I am now an official member of the smart people's club.I have a nice shiny card that that I only have to zap on a scanner thing to have knowledge at my finger tips.

I thought I might try and go along a few times a week to educate myself and get out and maybe meet people. Also thought I might start blogging at the library, for a change of scenery. My plan is that this will make me get up and washed and dressed and then walk to the library and write and then go home. A bit like getting up at a normal time and heading to work.

As I am signed off work since the medical man said I was 'unfit' (despite me wanting to prove otherwise), I thought this would be a good way to ease my way gently back in to the working world. I can just do a few hours as and when I can, which I think I can cope with. To be fair, I know I cant work 9 til 5 just yet. Mostly because I cant stay awake that long. Also because it terrifies me. But at least I know I am making small steps towards eventually being able to hold down a job, rather than sitting at home in my dressing gown, with my cats, being the pathetic smelling of wee bearded cat lady that i am.

I had a look at the books, which there are a lot of at the Library. I thought I might do a bit of reading, to broaden my vocabulary and educate my brain and stuff. To be Honest I find reading really difficult! I find writing easier. When I read the words they wriggle round on the page and my eyes get really heavy, and I get half way through a sentence and forget the start of it. But practice makes perfect.

I have borrowed 4 books that caught my eye on briefly flicking through. I am going to try and read them, and more importantly, retain the information.
They are:

• 'What you believe Creates Your Reality' by Maggie Currie

Chosen because I like the cover of it, which, as you can see, looks like a cork board with post-it notes on it and a picture of a flower and a bumble bee, and I like bumble bees and post-it notes. Also because it looks to be easy reading with some practical tips that might help me believe some more positive things and therefore making my reality much happier, according to the title.

• 'The Woman Who Thought to Much' by Joanne Limburg

Primarily because I like the title. I am pretty sure this is a book I will be able to relate to. On a brief flick through, it seems I could have in fact possibly written this book. I didnt, but I had to double check the author in case I had indeed written it and forgotten about it.
It's always nice to find something that makes you realise its not just you who's weird. The front cover has a cup of coffee, a pencil with a broken nob, and a prescription with some pills. This pretty much looks like my table at home. I am looking forward to reading this book.

• 'Blogging Heroes- Interviews with 30 of the World's Top Bloggers'

Thought this would inspire me to be a better bloggerer and widen my knowledge of how to and how not. Saw a mention of Post Secret upon flicking through, which is mostly why I liked this book.

For anyone who has never heard of 'PostSecret', shame on you. These books are THE BEST. Its an art project where a guy called Frank Warren got people to anonymously write their secrets on a postcard and send them to him. This has resulted in a vast and beautiful gallery of real people's happy things, sad things, hidden secrets and untold stories. Some of the postcards will make you laugh and some will make you cry.

These are my bestest most favourite books ever; Opening one  is always a good way to get inspiration and keep going, and something I like to do when I dont know what else to do.  I discovered PostSecret about 5 years ago, and now have the whole collection on my bookshelf. That's 4 books in total. But theres lots more on the website and they ge updated all the time.

. Go to www.postsecret.com to have a look. I very recommend it.

• 'Change Your Brain Change Your Life, The Breakthrough Programme for Conquering Anger, Anxiety, Obsessiveness and Depression' by some geezer called Dr Daniel Amen

Not even gonna bother with a picture of this because the cover is basically just a massive amount of writing, which looks a bit gay. 

This book sounds like a bundle of laughs. Changing my brain and my life is something that would probably be good. The concise title appealed to me.

Dunno if this one might be a bit complicated and waffly...I wont bother reading it if it will take longer to read it than to actually change my life.

Think I will just have a look and maybe take some snippets of good advice, such as this: "Sing and hum whenever you can"- page 308, and this "Use paradoxical requests in dealing with cingulate people", which sounds like very good advice, except I only understand 6 words out of the 8 words in that sentence, so I probably wont put it into practice. Hmmmm..."Learn to Breathe Properly", that sounds useful.

Cool.

So those are the books I got at the library and I am going to read or pretend to be reading them, so will let you know if I learn anything worth knowing. I hope you enjoyed my mini book reviews on the books that I havnt read yet. I know you shouldnt judge a book by its cover but lets face it if the covers crap then the book probably is too. See the Bible for example, the cover is really boring. That is just my personal opinion ofcourse.


Nuff said.

Crumpets

For breakfast I am having burnt crumpets and coffee. Crumpets are cool :)
did you know that if you burn them by accident and then blow them  on the burnt bit, all the smoke goes through the crumpet holes and out the other side? This is an observation I made this morning. Interesting.

So far today (it is 10.40am) I have had 0 cigarettes and 0 sherbert lemons, which is good i think you'll agree.

I have also just remembered that I am going to Lyndsey's to walk Darcy the Dog at 11. I now have 20 minutes to eat my crumpets, drink my coffee, have a wash, brush my teeth, get dressed and get there, so I better stop writing nonsense on here and be productive. Bye.

A List

Happy things that happened today:

• Had a cuddle with Bert and Ernie
• Went out into the world feeling brave and positive
• Laughed
• Met Jack, the cutest ever spaniel puppy with one little white sock and a brown little nose
• Helped a friend to smile
• Made my hair nice and shiny and red with some home hair dye
• Got some coffee to refill my coffee jar with
• Had my dinner cooked by my mum
• Got a message from my Soul Sista Miss EriCaCa who I have missed lots
• Drove fast in my car and sang really loudly to the radio, which was talking to me but in a nice way
• Came Home to my pyjamas and slippers and dressing gown and kittens, and didnt find any poop in any inappropriate places

Oh and only had 2 cigarettes today, decided to try and give up. Replacing cigarettes with sherbert lemons. Is it better to have no teeth from too many sherbert lemons, or no lungs from too many cigarettes?

Only problem is that smoking is my grounding thing, the thing that brings me into the moment and makes me realise that Im breathing in and out and Im real and Im having a cigarette. Will have to find a new thing to be my clearing my head thing. Screaming is good, as I posted before, but unfortunately not as discrete as having a fag. Probably too impractical.

Never planned to use smoking as a tool to help me breathe, thats ironic and silly. Also ironic is that I only started smoking when I was in hospital. Mostly because any thing that I could previously use to try and kill myself had been removed, so figured I would kill myself slowly by means of nicotene. Also because everyone else smoked and there wasnt much else to do, and I wanted to fit in.

Now I have other things to do and I dont want to try and die a slow and painful death, so, Im gonna try the sherbert lemons method, which is not a well known approach to giving up smoking, because, to be honest I have just made it up.

Although it does seem a shame that I have a really big lighter on my window sill and nothing to light with it. 

Maybe I'll get some sparklers or something so that it doesn't go to waste.

Breathe

I am proud of myself.

 It was down to me, and I pulled it together, simply by holding on and willing her not to let go completely.

I was at That point where a person has coped as much as they can and then the line has been crossed and thier insides cant function anymore and you forget how to breathe and become someone else, someone crazy.
I could feel it bubbling inside me, and twitching out of my body in words and sounds and sobs and movements that i couldnt control. It was the point where I could have been lost forever.

My last shred of awareness is what brought me out of it. She's not going to be lost to a tortured mind. I'm going to bring myself out of it. I wont lose my sanity...

I had to let it out, this volcano erupting in the core of my being that was stealing mind and ruling my thoughts and robbing my identity and cruelly clouding my hopes and my dreams as i stood back outside of my body, and watched in despair as her life slipped away from her, powerless to stop it.

She couldnt be swallowed up, she couldnt be beaten, she had to find some strength and beat this. I had to just go, get away somewhere open, somewhere quiet where nobody would see me, and scream and scream and scream and shout with every part of my being.

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

 Let out all the badness and confusion and hurt Until my throat was too sore and my heart was pounding and my head was dizzy and my lungs were pink and swollen and bursting. Until it felt like I had no more air left in my body.
And finally I could breathe.

And the burden was lighter, the darkness was whiter, and the future seemed brighter.

Then I lent back and put my hand in sheep poo, and decided I should go home before i do anything that might seem a bit crazy.

Keep Smiling

It takes 43 muscles to frown, and only 17 to smile.
If you have forgotton how, Smiling is done by moving the corners of your mouth upwards.

Today

Was a good day.
and such a relief.

My head is starting to make some sense.
Today was a good day.

Rant

Had in my diary that mental health lady was coming this morning to see me, at 10am. Mental Health lady is Jayne, who I love, which is really annoying, because I wish I didnt.

She told me on the phone on Wednesday that she would be coming

Got myself out of bed and dressed and ready.

Waited until 11am.

Phoned to find out where she was. Say "hello, Jayne was supposed to be coming to see me today at 10, and I just wondered if she is still coming". Lady in the office says "Well i dont think she was coming to see you, she has other plans today". Like I have just made it up.

I say "Ok, no problem."

What I wish I could say is,

"I'm sorry but you're mistaken, I had an appointment this morning, its been in my diary all week, I got up this morning especially, and I was really looking forward to seeing someone and proving that Im trying really hard, and that Im not a complete mess. I made a two cups of coffee an hour ago, expecting her to turn up. I tidied my flat a bit. I would have appreciated a call to tell me the arrangement was cancelled. I would also appreciate it if the people who are getting paid to help ,e didnt make an appointment to see me, confirm they would definitely be coming, and then not bother and not even call to tell me.

But I completely understand if something has come up, if there is someone who really needs support right now or is having a crisis. I understand that there are a lot of people needing help, that you have to prioritise.

But for all you know, I could be sat here with a stash of pills and a bottle of whiskey, and you're making me feel like I am a complete inconvenience who just likes to phone to ask about imaginary appoinments, which are not in my head, and maybe, it should be it should be The Mental Health Team who feels bad for not turning up, not me who feels bad because they didn't help"

I actually start to wonder if I have made it up, as this happens quite a lot. Someone tells me Im wrong and I believe them. I spend too much of my life waiting for appointments, for someone to help, waiting to find the answer. I know that no-one can fix me. Maybe only me.

I'm not going to wait around anymore.

I understand that these people are busy and maybe something has come up, but I am a person, with feelings too. And this was what got me out of bed this morning. A call would have been nice. And I was all ready to show Jayne how positive I am, and that I'm gonna get myself better. And now I feel a bit deflated, because its obviously not that important. And maybe she thought I would just be a bumbling mess and she didn't have the energy to deal with me, so she didnt want to see me today. And I really wanted to prove to someone that Ive got my head screwed on and Im ready to face the world again.

And when I don't do something that I 'should' be doing if I wanted to get better, like i should have gone to Whitfield yesterday, the activity centre, which i wanted to go to and set my alarm especially but I didnt manage to go because I couldnt physically get up until yesterday afternoon, i feel like they judge me and assume Im not trying, when I know that i beat myself up yesterday because I had wanted to go to Whitfield and then didnt have much choice, because my body didnt work.

And when I am trying, and i tell them that Im trying, its like they dont believe me.
And I hate it when i get told that I am fine, when I am the only one who knows exactly how I am feeling.

Maybe Im being really selfish. Its simply a case of someone being very busy with lots of people to see.

I just think its unreliable, and unprofessional, and a little bit disrespectful. And if someone is really on the brink, its not going to help when they think someone is coming and then they never do.
Jayne's lovely. I like seing her. Maybe thats why I get so upset when she doesn't turn up. I get paranoid that its because she's had enough of me, or thinks Im beyond help. Am I being over sensitive?

Yes, i think I am. Plans change, who cares.

I am going to get on with my day, get out, and make myself feel better. I dont need anyone to lift my spirits, I can do it myself.

And luckily I had this, what i wanted to say typed up on my screen when Jayne just called and said sorry, which I really appreciate. So I said that its ok, that I was a bit disappointed but its no bother. I didnt want to be selfish.

She said she won't be seeing me today, because Im fine.

And I tell myself that I am fine.

I'm ok, because Im choking back the tears and just smiling on.

I am fine, and i will prove it too.

Mental health has to change

I have known this for a long time. Especially since Lou took her own life, whilst under mental Health, whilst in Hospital, in fact, where she should have been looked after. And no-one could be bothered.

And I think about her every day, and i miss her.

And I am filled with grief at the thought of such a bubbly, young life, full of potential and hope, my friend, that could still be here today if only someone had taken her seriously.

And sometimes I feel that I am not being taken seriously. That no-body is really listening.

And I hope that something changes before somebody else gives up.

And Im going to keep strong so that it wont ever be me.

Im glad you're not hurting anymore

Im sorry I wasnt there when you needed someone.

I miss you Lou.

Bert & Ernie

Bert Just did the cuuuutest thing where he stretched and yawned and then put his paw really gently on my face.

Then accidentally got his claw stuck to my eye-lid, which was a bit painful.

Ernie is asleep with his legs in the air, and keeps twitching his tail and letting off unpleasant aromas. He is a bit gassy at the moment, bless him. but its ok i have opened the window slightly.

I love my kittens :)

Wake up Ernie, I wanna play!

A Peom for the Faint Hearted

A Poem for the Faint Hearted

by Laura Callaway

Don’t give up

When you’re beaten, cast down

And this world gets you down

Til You can’t see the light, only dark

In your heart, but your heart longs for more

And your broken and raw, or

If you done stuff wrong and long

to get away –feel you can’t stay in this place

Too much longer, trying to be stronger but

Falling apart, suffered blow after blow

And can barely bare to lift your head

Sometimes wish you’d rather be……

If you’ve attempted and bled.  Then

tried to bind a wound, cried,

And tied a knot to try and halt the pain

To try and choke the flow of hope before

It can open up a way to disappoint again

And leave you sobbing, frowning.

Drowning, hanging on by your fingertips,

Broken, burst open. Hurting.

Then left to try and mend

A broken heart that you cant even find

The pieces to fit, ‘cos its smashed into bits

And you lost the key a decade ago,

Trying to find how to learn and grow

Desperate to change but

Brain too fast, body too slow

In a state; despair, dismay, finding a way

The world is so grey, Fading away, Invisible.

Can’t find the way out – doubt there even is a way,

When you’ve wronged, and you’ve longed

For your dying day and choked

On the words to your favourite song

Forgotten to breathe and fallen to your knees

And Begged not to go on, prayed to a god

Who don’t know right from wrong

Who you don’t believe exists

And fallen to bits. Too much too young

Fallen too far, wished and wished

On a falling star, falling, trying,

trying to smile, but, dying, inside, wanting to hide

secretly crying, knowing you’re lost, unfulfilled

searching for answers that aren’t understood,

Trying your best, if only you could

Feeling unloved, Pathetic, no good,

The burden of blame too heavy to hold

Feeling old, Too weak to sustain composure, and remain calm and collected.

Affected by life, infected with strife Going insane, Feeling confused, like a child again,

Nursing and cursing an aching brain,

Nursing a drink, Sober or not

Addicted to whatever, smoking a lot, Smoking pot,

Nursing a need, get by with weed or Whatever you got,

whenever you get the chance cos you’re empty.

Losing the plot, out of control

On the blink, on the brink, Falling overboard or about to,

sobbing at the kitchen sink, Open Wounds,

Blood and bruises and feeling bemused

Abused, used. An abuser, a user. Confused.

A loser. Bad, mad, a little bit sad, weighed down

with wrong decisions, blurred vision

that won’t ever see Through the same eyes hereafter,

Another disaster, Losing the dream you once chased after.

Can no longer smile, cried a river of tears,

Got a torrent of fears, raging a war but

Don’t even know what your fighting for, anymore

Unable to cope, Lost every single shred of hope

Flakey and achey, life is in tatters

Everything shattered your insides are battered

And nothing matters anymore

A burnt out soul, a brain too sore

Screaming out loud with your lungs fit to burst

But no voice to be heard and your heart on the floor

A big gaping hole ripped right through your core,

Been trapped and broken and hurting too long

The nights are too long, nothing is right

When you feel such distress, just hoping You might

Somehow break free from this mess.

Been trapped and broken and hurting too long

Yelling to the World that you don’t belong.

When everything everything is utterly wrong………

Keep strong.

I said, keep strong.

Look how strong you are.

And know that you’re not alone

And things might get better, sometimes they do

There’s always someone out there Who has some hope for you.

Even the tramp, the murderer, the dirty

Even the worst, the broken, the burst open

The overwhelmed and the insides are hurting

The Girl snorting coke in the corner and cursing
The lowlife who gave it to her
The sad, the bad, the mad, the scared
The teenager pregnant and unprepared
The girl who was raped, the boy who escaped

And even the fucked up bastards who hurt them.

There is always time for change,

Its never too late, to re-arrange

Or be who you might have been

And there is hope for the sick

The cracked up, the packed up,

The smashed hopes dashed and the picked on
the meek and the weak

Those who blush when they speak,

The stuttering and muttering

With nothing left to give

And no more options left.

If you take one piece of advice today,

Take this…. I'm speaking from the heart:

Never Never Never Give Up.

And just try not to fall apart

When this world gets you down

And you cant take no more.

Good things will come

Like they have done before.

And as long as you are breathing

There’s more right with you than wrong with you.

Tomorrow is a Brand New day

And Tomorrow Will  be too.