Screaming

She bites her lip and takes a deep breath, the ache of an empty pain traveling up her chest, she closes her eyes wincing to herself, then looks up at the sky, silent tears sliding down her cheeks.

She knows her problem, and she knows what she needs to do, but she doesn’t want to, she wants to believe, and she wants to show them she can keep going, but she cant.

She looks down at her body and curses, why the fuck would god make her like that? She was ugly, she didn’t know why he bothered, and she would always be hurt, no matter what he did, she would never forgive herself for the crap she had done. And she would never believe anyone when they said they loved her. It was bullshit and she knew it.

She kicked a piece of ice, feeling the pain grip her heart and squeeze, the pain became rage it felt ready to burst out. The rage took control of her body, her guts were being shredded, her arms were electric, and her whole body trembled with anguish and pain.

She knows bno-one could love her and it rips her apart, she knew it all along. in the beginning she knew they didn’t mean it, and yet she couldn’t give it up, the idea that someone could love her, it was refreshing, amazing, and most defiantly enchanting. But now that the feelings had her for so long, she couldn’t, and she wouldn’t be blind anymore.

The tears came back, flooding her face and blurring her vision, the tears stung her eyes, and rage was bursting from every unblocked poor. She kicked the curb, breaking three toes, but she didn’t notice. she stormed down an old ally filled with graffiti and broken glass, she took off her boots and flung them up onto a rickety fire escape and walked barefooted over the broken glass, stomping and dragging her feet till they were a bloody mess. she felt the heat rise through her as the warm red blood pooled around her feet. She went to a broken window and hit her head against the sharp spikes of glass still there, and then her head was silent. There was no more craving for pain, there were no more perverted thoughts, but only a tired body and cold feet, and she collapsed. She woke up later, went home and cleared herself up, and carried on as if nothing had happened.

Help me

I never thought it would get this bad, the depression that is… I never thought that I could cry this much, and I’ve spent the last week crying, so that’s saying something. There’s a big raw gaping hole where my heart should be.