Self-Harm

It's hard to remember how I feel before I cut. I think it starts with a feeling of being unsettled and unable to sit still. I wander aimlessly; everything seems out of focus. Everything passes over me and im trapped inside my head and everything outside is unreal. I don’t want to be trapped in here, my mind plays over images like a broken record player, my head swims with lies and humiliation and self hatred. I feel claustrophobic and it makes me panic because I cant escape.

Once im there inside my head I cant get far enough out to interact with anyone else. I hurt inside. I run out of patience - the idea of talking about what’s wrong is absurd. I feel a burning need to alleviate the pressure before something out of my control happens. I cannot let myself be out of control.
When I cut it’s a relief. A release of pressure like when you let go of a balloon to stop it bursting. Only the pressure is the pain in my head, driving me over the edge. I have to cut all the pain away so I can escape what’s inside of me.
If I cut or burn or bruise or starve myself, it’s not because I want to die, it’s just a survival method to get me through the day. Its not to die, its to stay alive.
I wish there was an off button for these feelings of depression. It must be hard for anyone who has never experienced it to understand, but it doesn’t matter how hard I try, Sometimes, I JUST CAN’T SHAKE IT OFF.

Gave up a bit...

My feelings change like the wind, and mostly I cant even tell them apart.
Hit an all time low last week. Didn’t go to college, didn’t get out of bed for 3 days, didn’t eat. Stole some alcohol from the cupboard and drank that instead.
When I got up, I took loads of tablets out the cupboard, and have stashed them in my room – just in case I need them. I took the dog for a walk and thought of standing in the road, waiting for a car to come around the corner. Some even worse thoughts came into my head... I don’t know where they came from... I can’t even bare to write them.
I felt so low, and I felt so frightened. I’m not me anymore. I don’t even recognise myself. I wonder if I will ever be normal, or ever be sure of what I’m actually feeling. I am still waiting for the day where I wake up and don’t feel that there is the whole world clogging up my head. I want to be free, but I think I am LOST.

brain

My head is doing my head in!

My thoughts go so fast so quick, just chaos and memories and images and voices and sounds and thoughts and hurts and doubts and happiness and hope and anxieties and fears and the past and the present and the here and now. I'm thinking so fast but I'm not thinking straight at all.

And then it all slows down and all I feel is suicidal and it's crippling. when i feel like this there is nothing else i can focus on but wishing i did not exist. a wish so strong its in the pit of my stomach and gets bigger and bigger until there is nothing i can do but to bury my head and fantasise about it, give up on life. Often plan it. Occassionally try it. (its never worked...much to my disappointment. A months worth of serious meds, 2 packs of paracetomol, washed down with alcohol on an empty stomach...and waking up in hospital 2 days later and paranoid as fuck....i was not pleased)...

i cycle between crippling anxiety, a little bit of hope and excitement again, then feeling suicidal. it can happen really quickly. or i can be depressed for months. the worst part is that there's never a relief. even in the happy moments, im afraid of when it will end. I can wake up the next day and feel as if my world is crumbling again.

I've been acting really stupidly, doing things i later regret...and I feel I cant tell anyone about these things because I know that I was stupid for doing them, and to them I would just be going round and round in circles.

you know - i really want to be somebody. i want to make something of myself. But I feel like I cant complete anything. My college work is failing, and I don't even know if the course is what I want to be doing anyway. I get these bursts of motivation, or bursts of being too excited about something else to care. Or everything deflates and i just stop caring at all, about anything.

sometimes i want to peel open my head and scrub clean every little squiggle of my stupid brain. Its really such a mess sometimes.

fantasy

Its like a fairytale. Sometimes I think I'm living in a fantasy land...
I have this dream like future that I've planned where everything works out perfect. I live life to the full, I feel loved, I love people back and i feel comfortable in my own skin. I have someone who wants me and wants no-one else, who understands me completely and I feel like its ok to be me around them. I love them unconditionally and there is nothing they could ever do to hurt me. I think before I speak, I have total control of my feelings, i'm happy. Every day is an exciting adventure, where I achieve something and make someone smile. I make a difference. I'm not reliant on anyone to make me feel good, I can make other people feel good. The sun is shining, I go to bed at night feeling a buzz after the day, knowing that I will wake up tomorrow and nothing will have changed.

But reality : lifes not that easy. Im not stupid. sometimes I think its good to dream, to hope. if I didnt then why should I bother to keep going? But sometimes I dont know if these things hold me back, if I'm missing the things on the way that will make up for the future. Maybe I'm wanting to much, or not letting myself be happy. Its so hard to have a good day and then go to bed feeling terrified that when I wake up tomorrow it will all be over. It stops me from wanting it.Im scared all the time, being in my imaginary world feels so much safer.

But it doesnt stop me from trying. Maybe if i want to live in a fairytale, its ok.

A Smile

A smile
I found it
Going thorugh my things
today
Racking my brains
and Stopped thinking
Today.
I found a smile
just lying there
Like a stored good.
I watched
for a long moment
Not knowing whether
I should,
Before
I picked it up.

Crazy

I went an seen the doctor and told him that I do not need any more treatment for my mental health thank you very much, I am quite normal (if a little confused), do not need counselling (i can talk to myself) and do not need to be medicated (since the long list of sleeping tablets/antisphyscotics/betablockers/antidepressants/mood stabilisers over the last 2 nearly 3 years have achieved nothing but end me up in hospital, made me lose/gain weight about 3 stone each way and making me feel more like complete psycho andnact like a zombie more than anything remotely human.) I also told him that my anxiety and paranoia is a bit out of control, Thanks to the annoying voice in my head "ugly twatface" and its ok if I feel depressed because if I want to kill myself then that is up to me.

He said "hmmmm" and then said that treatment is probably necessary anyway.

He was scrolling through my notes on his annoying clicky computer and scratching his head. He hovered his stupid mouse over the letters BPD, and asked how i was getting on with my borderline characteristics? I said i thought I was having help for being a bit unstable in the mood department and having anxiety that makes me all nervy... No-one mentioned this chronic BPD situation (I mean im just the patient what do i know???). He said its been on my notes for ages....apparantly i have some personality disease.

Its nice to be told these things.
Whats so bad about my personality that makes mine into a disorder and not yours? And borderline between what and what exactly? Normal and not normal, Bonkers and completely bonkers, or pyschotic and dangerous?

So im not pleased at the prospect of being a borderline personality nut case but I suppose it could be a step in the right direction. I'm so fed up with being relatively normal, to feeling suicidal, to feeling like I'm sort of invincible. I am one extreme to the other. So maybe it can be treated. As much as i hate to admit it, i have come back and read up on this diagnosis and it seems to fit the bill. I am the text book borderline. It really annoys me when other people are right. God.

I dont want to need any help.

But I don't want to feel sad a lot either. ----understatement.

I look back at things I've done and thought and ways I've acted. I'm embarrassed by it and regret a lot of things. I regret not being there for my friends, and them being there for me. My family too. I feel like I've missed out and acted as if I don't care.
I regret not finishing my A levels, losing my ambitions. I used to have a lot.
I regret forgetting who I used to be...that's happy-go-lucky, free, not perfect but not hating myself for it.
I'm embarassed about believing in something, a god that never helped me one little bit. That actually i was much happier without.

And I tell myself I shouldn't have regrets.

I try not to live in the past, I take each day as it comes. Each day I wake up feeling ready to face the day is a step in the right direction. Honestly, if it hadn't been for my friends (still can't fathom why they put up with me), I would have certainly given up long ago. Because each day is like venturing into the unknown. But seriously, it's hard. Some days I can't keep up with my thoughts. Some days I'm really angry but I'm too afraid to express it and I feel as if I might explode. Other days I just don't care. At all.

At the same time, I don't want a diagnosis. Ive been trying to run away from the mental health system for a while...just because I want to be me. I'm not mad or anything. Just a but confused sometimes. But the more I tell them I don't need help, the more they are convinced that I'm losing the plot.

I've realised that I am the only person who can change me. Even if I can't change how I feel, I can be in control of what I do with those feelings. No-one is ever going to fix me, but me !

And I'm up for the challenge. Life could be fun.

crazy times

Little Voice

From today, I'm just going to be me. I try so hard sometimes to make sure people like me, appreciate me, want to be around me, that it's exhausting. Maybe if I started to like myself, other people would appreciate it and like me for it.

Yuck I hate the way I look. My hair always flicks in the wrong direction, I get spots, im pale, my clothes don't look right..and don't get me started on my face, my body, what I see in the mirror. normally im disgusted by my relection. sometimes i dont even recognise myself in the mirror. there are days when i physically cant look at myself, because i just want to get out of my skin. I hide so that no-one can see me. im embarassed when someone looks at me.
But maybe if I just accepted these things and told myself that I'm ME, and be proud of it, then I would feel better. I'm 5 ft 4, I'm a size 10, there's nothing so awful about that. So what if I don't have a button nose, or my face goes pink when I'm embarrassed. I don't judge, or even notice those things about other people, so why should it bother them about me?

I hate my voice. It's too quiet, and its kind of squeaky and makes me sound about 5. When I laugh it goes all high pitched and I stop myself before it gets too out of control.
But maybe if I just raised my voice a little bit, people wouldn't notice it and would pay more attention to what I was actually saying. Maybe if I just laughed as if no-one was watching, people would just laugh with me.

I hate not being able to think of things to say. I get tongue tied and can't get my words out. I can't think of anything helpful to contribute to gossip about makeup, guys and what she said that he said. To be honest, it bores me. I'm not saying that I only like heavy conversations about ambitions and culture and philosophy...but maybe I would BE more interesting if i actually voiced my opinions. I'm guilty of agreeing with people for the sake of it, saying what they want to hear. Well I'm not going to do that anymore.

I'm going to find my voice. I'm going to be who I am...that's wearing what I want to wear, not trying to be something I'm not. That's believing what i want to believe, not what people think I should believe. I'm not going to be embarrassed to be me. Life's too short really.

I am

I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.