Hope

A year ago, or even a few months ago, i would not have dreamt that one day i would have the motivation and confidence to get up every morning, and do life properly, try new things and find my voice.

Well today with some ladies from TFF I went along to a singing group and joined in the harmonies. It was only for an hour and I tried not to look at anyone, but I went and I sang and it was fun. Im going to go again next wednesday.

I feel that I have definitely made a start this month, on getting my stupid illness under control and taking control of my pathetic non-life.

I have mostly done this by trying to remember who i was before i got ill, and pretending to be more like her, and then i started to feel like her. Simples.

Also as bit of psycotherapy, a big bag of meds anti depressants and antis psychotics, a bit of screaming, a bit of yoga and mindfulness, writing, making, painting and creating. And the support from my Mum.. Everyone needs thier mum.

But mostly it has to come from you.

It is not easy. Its like having two broken legs and still trying to walk. You have to find the last shred of teeny tiny hope inside you, to rip up your suicide notes and choose life instead. You have to be brave.

I am not brave,...yet. I am just another person trying to find thier way through a lot of hurt and pain, and begin again. Who is trying to move on from things gone wrong, step by step by step. I tend do do mine 2 forwards and 3 back, like a little dance. But step by step.

Moment by moment. Beath by breath Breathing is very important. Ask Jon Kabat Zinn.

I felt my body had been breathing seperate to my mind, and my soul was somewhere caught in my lungs. Panicked. Breathed in, stuttered and lost my voice, which was wriggling inside me but trapped and fighting for ways out and shaking me inside, breaking my body and my mind.

And then i took this deep breath right down to my stomach, and was gasping for this air that i had forgotten to breathe. Im not sure if this is a metaphor or not. But whatever.

Any way i still have a way to go in order to ensure that my fate does not rest with the bearded chain smoking Lonely grumbling shuffling stinkin cat lady (god bless them), but at least ive made a start.

The cats have stolen every single one of my paint brushes and i dont have anymore. I also dont have a pair slippers that havnt been half eaten.
I dont have a job, I dont have a mind or body well enough for work yet. I dont have a someone who loves me or someone to wake up to in the morning. I dont have someone here when Im crying on my knees at 4am, or when the voices in my head say that Im disgusting. I dont have many qualifications, I dont have a puppy, i have 2 cats..i dont have chocolate and could really do with some.

But there is also a lot I do have.

So Im sitting here in my council flat on my own with a cig in one hand and a cup of tea thats gone cold, and i feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

I have a bit of hope, and a bit of strength. I have determination. I have friends who have made me smile today, and a guitar to strum, and Bert and ernie to cuddle up to. I have a deliciously scrummy squidgy bed to sleep in. I have a lot. I have a life ahead of me and i want to be a part of it.

And on reflection, i cant remember the last time life felt so good. that i wasnt scared. and so now is a very precious moment, and im going to smile like i should, tell myself i deserve to. i dont know how long this will last, i get terrified it could all be gone by tomorrow, that i could wake up lost again and broken. But i just keep wishing and wishing, and maybe it will last. I really really hope so.

I forgot how beautiful life can be
And now ive slowly started to see
to see clearly,
And start to be me
And hope that one day i will be free.
I will be free,
Me !?....free?
I will be free, to be me.