The Radio is talking to me.

What is this crap?...'Ace Radio'. Not so Ace Radio if you ask me. Hmmm itunes....I'll try a bit of Chris Moyles. Mildly humorous.
Fudging hell radios doing my head in. Brain too loud. Finding it hard to concentrate.
Wish I had a magic pen that just wrote out my thoughts. see otherwise they are just scribbled and dotted randomly round my head. this makes me very random. I find it slightly embarassing going out at the moment, incase i start twitching or shouting things that are not socially acceptable.
Imagine what it would be like to be invisible, and therefore able to shout anything at all very loudly.
Ernie has just got himself jammed in a tiny cupboard. Bert keeps sitting on the keyboard when I am trying to write.

just looked at clock. cant believe its 7pm already. Wonder what the majority of 'normal' people have done today...whatever that is. Stepped out of their houses, been to work, engaged in conversation, done something useful and productive.

I, however, have written in my blog and stroked my kitty witties and washed up some cups and smoked a few fags. This is why I think i might be a mad cat lady. I am only 20 years old, for god sake!

Believe it or not, i wasnt always this sad and slow. I used to be full of beans. People said i had 'a lot of potential'. Had lots of friends, loved life, worked my butt off at GCSE's then planned to go to sixth form, then university. Then travel the world, make a difference. Meet people, experience things, learn, earn, live, explore.

Then, Bam, psychosis kicks in and I wake up on my 18th birthday on a nut ward. Had a bit of a nervy B, lost the plot a bit.

And so here I am now. 20 years old, no social life, practically agoraphobic, on my own, in a council flat with 2 cats. And I'm writing this blog because I am determined to overcome this and be the me who I could have been. Luckily, I am well enough to write now and find it therepeutic to simply type out my thoughts. Lucky for me that is, maybe not so much for you, if you happen to be reading. But thanks for doing so anyway.

You'd think I dont have much to write about, for someone who doesnt have a whole lot on in a day. But My brain is fit to burst, I sometimes think it might actually explode. I have like a whole other world inside my head. Sometimes i dont know which one is the real one. Images, voices, ideas, thoughts talking loudly, conversations with myself, worries, questions. Its all a bit confusing.

And not to be a party-pooper on anything, but, honestly, mental illness sucks. At times I have felt utterly desperate, hopeless, worthless, no meaning in life at all. Mental illness has put a hold on my future, with absolutely nothing I can do to make it go away. It is disabling. I have adapted my life as best i can, however, and am still determined to beat this and achieve something good.
But enough with the sob story. I like to keep an air of humour with me. Even on the most shittiest day it sometimes helps to giggle. Thats what ive found anyway. For instance I chuckled to myself this afternoon when I saw a talking meerkat on the telly.
Ive also found that im actually pretty funny, when my brains working properly. 'Witty', as they say. So, this blog is for my recovery and to keep me smiling, but I would also love it if it made others smile too.

Ho diddly Ho, i should have something to eat...keep forgetting to eat.