Rant

Had in my diary that mental health lady was coming this morning to see me, at 10am. Mental Health lady is Jayne, who I love, which is really annoying, because I wish I didnt.

She told me on the phone on Wednesday that she would be coming

Got myself out of bed and dressed and ready.

Waited until 11am.

Phoned to find out where she was. Say "hello, Jayne was supposed to be coming to see me today at 10, and I just wondered if she is still coming". Lady in the office says "Well i dont think she was coming to see you, she has other plans today". Like I have just made it up.

I say "Ok, no problem."

What I wish I could say is,

"I'm sorry but you're mistaken, I had an appointment this morning, its been in my diary all week, I got up this morning especially, and I was really looking forward to seeing someone and proving that Im trying really hard, and that Im not a complete mess. I made a two cups of coffee an hour ago, expecting her to turn up. I tidied my flat a bit. I would have appreciated a call to tell me the arrangement was cancelled. I would also appreciate it if the people who are getting paid to help ,e didnt make an appointment to see me, confirm they would definitely be coming, and then not bother and not even call to tell me.

But I completely understand if something has come up, if there is someone who really needs support right now or is having a crisis. I understand that there are a lot of people needing help, that you have to prioritise.

But for all you know, I could be sat here with a stash of pills and a bottle of whiskey, and you're making me feel like I am a complete inconvenience who just likes to phone to ask about imaginary appoinments, which are not in my head, and maybe, it should be it should be The Mental Health Team who feels bad for not turning up, not me who feels bad because they didn't help"

I actually start to wonder if I have made it up, as this happens quite a lot. Someone tells me Im wrong and I believe them. I spend too much of my life waiting for appointments, for someone to help, waiting to find the answer. I know that no-one can fix me. Maybe only me.

I'm not going to wait around anymore.

I understand that these people are busy and maybe something has come up, but I am a person, with feelings too. And this was what got me out of bed this morning. A call would have been nice. And I was all ready to show Jayne how positive I am, and that I'm gonna get myself better. And now I feel a bit deflated, because its obviously not that important. And maybe she thought I would just be a bumbling mess and she didn't have the energy to deal with me, so she didnt want to see me today. And I really wanted to prove to someone that Ive got my head screwed on and Im ready to face the world again.

And when I don't do something that I 'should' be doing if I wanted to get better, like i should have gone to Whitfield yesterday, the activity centre, which i wanted to go to and set my alarm especially but I didnt manage to go because I couldnt physically get up until yesterday afternoon, i feel like they judge me and assume Im not trying, when I know that i beat myself up yesterday because I had wanted to go to Whitfield and then didnt have much choice, because my body didnt work.

And when I am trying, and i tell them that Im trying, its like they dont believe me.
And I hate it when i get told that I am fine, when I am the only one who knows exactly how I am feeling.

Maybe Im being really selfish. Its simply a case of someone being very busy with lots of people to see.

I just think its unreliable, and unprofessional, and a little bit disrespectful. And if someone is really on the brink, its not going to help when they think someone is coming and then they never do.
Jayne's lovely. I like seing her. Maybe thats why I get so upset when she doesn't turn up. I get paranoid that its because she's had enough of me, or thinks Im beyond help. Am I being over sensitive?

Yes, i think I am. Plans change, who cares.

I am going to get on with my day, get out, and make myself feel better. I dont need anyone to lift my spirits, I can do it myself.

And luckily I had this, what i wanted to say typed up on my screen when Jayne just called and said sorry, which I really appreciate. So I said that its ok, that I was a bit disappointed but its no bother. I didnt want to be selfish.

She said she won't be seeing me today, because Im fine.

And I tell myself that I am fine.

I'm ok, because Im choking back the tears and just smiling on.

I am fine, and i will prove it too.

Mental health has to change

I have known this for a long time. Especially since Lou took her own life, whilst under mental Health, whilst in Hospital, in fact, where she should have been looked after. And no-one could be bothered.

And I think about her every day, and i miss her.

And I am filled with grief at the thought of such a bubbly, young life, full of potential and hope, my friend, that could still be here today if only someone had taken her seriously.

And sometimes I feel that I am not being taken seriously. That no-body is really listening.

And I hope that something changes before somebody else gives up.

And Im going to keep strong so that it wont ever be me.

Im glad you're not hurting anymore

Im sorry I wasnt there when you needed someone.

I miss you Lou.