An Annallogy

I found a woman in the mirror,
She looked like someone brave.
She found a girl in her reflection
she found a girl in my reflection
I Found a girl in our reflection.
I found the woman in the haze,
I found a girl, I found a woman.
she stood thier uncertainly, lurching
She found a soul, I found her Self.
I found myself stood searching.




She found a girl in her reflection
Just rooted to the spot
She looked real, like how i felt
A person i'd forgot.
The little girl crawled back in her cave
The fear just started to rot.
She stood there staring
Intimidating
But wasnt scared anymore
The woman wasnt afraid no more
Of the broken faces and scars she saw
Not as red raw as they were before.
Perfections, imperfections
She met the whole collection
The people, the reflection,
I met me for a moment...
And then she was gone again.
Fragmented and blurry but perfectly sane
Still one brain.
She stood up tall, looked into the eyes
and vowed to break the chains.
I found my soul ablaze,
She found her in the haze
A woman looking brave.
A little girl flickered in a daze
Squirming through the mirror maze.
I felt like i was someone brave.
There stood a woman, she was brave.

My tinternets not working proper.

had a very productive week. Started off a bit dodge, got a bit more upset than I should have done, worried far too much and had to shut the world out for a bit and curl up in my bed.

But now its all k.

.....pulled myself together and simply startd again. Not as easy as I can make it sound, its actually very hard. But if you try hard enough you can do anything, probably.

What was it that brainy guy said-- In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. I think thats probably right.

I havent ran a marathon this week or climbed Everest or visited the moon, or gone to Ethiopa and fed the hungry...

Buuutttt I have heaved myself up in the mornings. got myself out, taken on board my therapy sessions, got to TFF on time, forced myself to spent time with good people instead of drowning in isolation, tidied up my flat and also gotten on top of important grown up electicity-bills-and-groceries-car-tax-discs-and-post-reading-and-other-shit things that I should really do all the time but it takes a lot of energy, since it means having to focus in grown up mode for a useful amount of time. Since im only a kid, really. Old smelly Cat Lady. Im confused.

For some reason which I have forgotten, I was reading (I never read, I write...reading is hard,) but anyway I was reading about epilepsy, and now it makes a lot of sense to use my new knowledge of epilepsy to write an allanogy of my brain..annalogy? Alonagy? Aloonagy? you get what I mean...

Just to confirm, I do not have epilepsy. I sometimes have weird blackouts and seizures, but touch wood hasnt happened in a couple years. Weirdly enough since the doc told me to eat more salt... They normally tell u to cut down. But now i sprinkle salt on things and it seems to keep me conscious.

its somethhing to do with my bloood pressure is funny, i dunno...i had to go for a test where I got strapped to a table and tilted upwards until I passed out... great fun. Not.
its also happened when I was on a Christian Camp back in the God days and dont remember much other than an ambulance ride and they said i was dehydrated

Cant win really as it also happened when I was overhydrated and toxicated myself with water, according to the tilt table man. But anyway this was a few years ago and is completey off the point.

I also blacked out and started fitting and screaming when I didnt react well to getting my tongue pierced, but this is embarassing and pretty much self-inflicted if you take the man with a big needle out of the equation.. . But anyway, this is irrelevent.

What i was going to say is, It is very hard to control something that you feel you have no control over. For example, diabetics cant control thier body when having a seizure, Epileptics cant control a fit, alcholics cant control thier thirst.

But a diabetic can control thier diabetes, epilepsy can be controlled with treatment, an alcoholic can control whether they reach for another bottle.

You have to be strong and determined and do the things that are going to help you. Its hard. You cant always control how it makes you feel, but you do have a choice in deciding what you do about it.

People have seizures when the electrical signals in the brain misfire. The brain's normal electrical activity is disrupted by these overactive electrical discharges.

Baby aminals :)

A happy bunny wabbit

People can suffer from depression or anxiety or PTSD or BPD or D.I.D or whatever...when something in thier brains just stops working as it should. Sometimes a lot of pressure or trauma or stress can disrupt the normal functioning of the brain. Sometimes It can just shut down, or has to malfuncion to find new ways to cope, which can make you start acting a bit weird and stop you from living the life you had hoped for.

Contrary to popular belief, it is not a choice to have an addiction, or to be depressed or not cope or simply shut down, or to have M.E. If there was an off switch I would always turn it off. But there isnt, it is what it is.... but you dont just have to accept it. This is where you have a choice.

I never want it. I always hate it.
Sometimes it gets the better of me.
Sometimes I can fight it.

You ar the only person who can make the difference.

Sometimes it feels like I am losing control. I feel trapped in my body, Im screaming inside to not feel how I do or act how I do but I dont have the energy to fight it.

But I am learning to take control.

Its making me feel much better. Its also making me more tired. But its better to be tired at the end of the day because youve been working hard, than tired at the end of the day because your sick of how things are and hate yourself for not having the energy to fix it.

So Im finding the balance between accepting it, and taking control of it. Im done with denying it, and pretending Im ok and suffering in silence. Im done with wallowing in it and being afraid and waiting for someone to rescue me.

Im putting the pieces together.

So Im starting to take control. In the midst of life's struggles it can be very hard to take control. But ultimately it is the only way things are ever going to change.

A Hot Dog

It can be scary watching someone have an epileptic seizure. The person may lose consciousness or seem unaware of what's going on. They might start making movements that they have no control over, or experience unusual feelings or sensations, such as unexplained fear. After a seizure, he or she may feel tired, weak, or confused.

This is the best analogy I can think of for what it can be like to suffer from a mental illness. Also for M.E, which inacse you dont know what that means, it means Myalgic Encephalopathy. And incase u dont know what that means....well im not sure either. Google might know. I dont even know how you say that word. But thats what ive got an its a pain in the bum to say the least...and the brain fog and occasional psychosis and malfunctioned fight or flight mechanism, with the anxiety and panic attacks and blurry slurry whizzing thoughts makes for a lovely cocktail of uncontrollable movements and unexplained feelings and sensations....

So with the aloonagy, although its competely dfferent, its a lot like Epilepsy in the effect it can have. Most people know what that word means so i thought it could help to understand...makes sense to me anyway.

Meow

I wouldnt blame an eplieptic for having a fit. Its not their fault. In hindsight, they may wish that they hadnt continued looking at the screen for so long, had so many late nights recently, or skipped so many meals... but its still not thier fault.


Im trying to apply this to myself. A few days where I felt that it was too hard to face the world, to scary to get out of bed, or more energy than i could muster to follow through with the plans I had made.....does not mean I have failed.

A babby HogHedge Curled Up in a Little Ball :)

Im tired of beating myself up about it.
i also need to stop worrying so much. i worry that i should be able to switch it off, that it means i am weak. i worry about how other people may percieve it.
This is pointless and silly and Im going to try and stop caring so much.

I know that I am trying. I couldnt live with myself if I wasnt! I wouldnt want that life...I am trying really hard.


I am the only one who knows who I am, how I feel, or what I need or dont need. If people think that Im being lazy, or choosing to not make an effort...then quite frankly that is thier problem and thier ignorance. I need to remember this.

Laura is taking control and taking responsibility and making some changes.

I am strong. I will rpove it to myself. I already did this morning when I got up and went out and did the things I told myself I would.

I can pull myself together.
I can take control.

Oh... And as discussed earlier, Just because someone has a seizure does not necessarily mean that person has epilepsy, though.
Just because I currently suffer from mental illness does not mean I am mental..like ive said before, I think everyones pretty normal. Just human really.

For some people with epilepsy, the seizures eventually become less frequent or disappear altogether. Im hoping this will also apply to things that I struggle with too.

Ahhh,love writing in my blog and coming out with useless philosphocilical things that make me seem like someone wise :)

Life is what you make it. Not what your limitations make it. Just hold on!