fantasy

Its like a fairytale. Sometimes I think I'm living in a fantasy land...
I have this dream like future that I've planned where everything works out perfect. I live life to the full, I feel loved, I love people back and i feel comfortable in my own skin. I have someone who wants me and wants no-one else, who understands me completely and I feel like its ok to be me around them. I love them unconditionally and there is nothing they could ever do to hurt me. I think before I speak, I have total control of my feelings, i'm happy. Every day is an exciting adventure, where I achieve something and make someone smile. I make a difference. I'm not reliant on anyone to make me feel good, I can make other people feel good. The sun is shining, I go to bed at night feeling a buzz after the day, knowing that I will wake up tomorrow and nothing will have changed.

But reality : lifes not that easy. Im not stupid. sometimes I think its good to dream, to hope. if I didnt then why should I bother to keep going? But sometimes I dont know if these things hold me back, if I'm missing the things on the way that will make up for the future. Maybe I'm wanting to much, or not letting myself be happy. Its so hard to have a good day and then go to bed feeling terrified that when I wake up tomorrow it will all be over. It stops me from wanting it.Im scared all the time, being in my imaginary world feels so much safer.

But it doesnt stop me from trying. Maybe if i want to live in a fairytale, its ok.