The Artist

Havnt blogged in a while, brain hasbeen waaaay too sloppy.

Started the New year with all good intentions telling myself if i want to be better i can make myself better...came to the hard realisation that sometimes no matter how hard you want to be different you cant always keep whats really there away.

So I could feel it coming,that horribble drowning feeling before getting sallowed by emptiness. I probably felt the early pangs of it about the start of December,but decided to keep myself busy to keep it all at bay, but then soo exhausted...my head got all shouty and the voices started bickering and my head thoughts started to fuzzle and i felt a lot of panic.

Hibernated for a bit. Jumped every time the phone rang, Switched off phone. Just me, 2 kitties, paintbrushes coffee and cavasases. Had an Art Attack.

Have been tortured all week by the voice that says im so selfish for locking myself in and i should be going out and why am i so stupid and what sort of person is afraid of the phone ringing and everyone must be cross at me for how i am andddd.....but stayed in anyway and feel a lot better now.

Had human contact yesterday with Wise Hollie, so I know that Im still real.
Continued the art attck onto her bedroom wall...now a lovely spiral of tester pot colours.

I know its probably strange to feel like this... but I think sometimes i neeeed to switch everything off and just paint.

At other times I need to write.

Sometimes I cant do either. But my brain is doing both in my head. Blah blah blah...

Dont know what im on about now.

Meow meow

Oh God i think i have gone crazy...
But i think its jst called being a creative individual. My creativity is the bane of my life. I.cannot/.sit.still..unelss..im doing///somethinhg n sometimes im too tired but head is just like rar rar rar.

Constantly feeling guilty for not bein like the rest of society telling myself i ought to have a job and i should get out more....but then i thought...its my life and i keep trying to fight being a floaty cat lady who doesnt offer the world much apart from some words or squiggles...Im just one tiny speck in the whole universe. Just like you.

And who is anyone else to make a judgement of your life?

So Im just trying to accept that I am me and this is how i am and its ok. Ok?

im sorry for any inconvernience.

Ok Im gonna go now.

oh and Ernie fell out the window toda it was terriffying but it did make me run outside to get him, andhe seems ok but a bit dopey im a bit worried i love him so much but i think he is ok :)

Ok bye

I should blog more regularly if I want to have a good blog...but I will just do it when I can. Which is more annoying to me that it could possibly be to anyone reading this. Because im always writing in my head.

This is getting weird, Im gonna go. Bye.