Hello world.
It has been an extremely long time since I've written in Laura's Locket.
I havnt known what to write, I havnt wanted to write. I've been busy living instead. Ive been painting and arting like crazy, and being sociable and keeping on top of stuff...
Ok so I may have spent a little bit of time cat-ladying and nothinging, but hey, thats ok. Ive been doing some serious growing and wing spreading.
But I have been meaning to blog for a while, and absoutely had to today, because tomorrow begins a new secion of my life. I cant leave Lauras Locket just mysteriously unfinished.
Tomorrow, I will be 21 years old. A proper grown up. Reaching this age symbolises a lot for me. The years leading up to it have certainly been turbulant. I cant remember the last time I looked forward to my birthday...a day where you celebrate being born and look forward to another year.
I remember at 17 being convinced that by the age of 21 I will most definitely have killed myself, or at least be permanently sectioned and therefore pretty much barely alive.
But guess what....I have made it and I have overcome all that. And all that pain and ache and emptiness I had, its slowly been melting away.
And I finally feel like I have my life back. The world is my sardine, or whatever they say.
Tomorrow I will be 21, I am celebrating with friends and family, and I know its going to be the year that I turn things around. Because I am becoming whole and life is now exciting.
Ive hated all the heartache Ive caused, Ive hated the pain Ive been in, both mentally and physically. But I know it has made me stronger. It has made me who I am today. It has led me to the people that inspire me and give me hope, beautiful people who understand, friends for life.
Lovely Hollie gave me a birthday card today. Inside it says "May the year you are about to enter grant you the promise of success that knows no bounds; friendship and love, blessings from above, and dreams you never imagined would come true".
I've already done something I never thought I would possibly have the confidence and togetherness to do. I have some very good news people....in my absence of blogging, I have sold some artwork, I have applied for art college, I have been to an interview, I have been accepted for a diploma in art and design at Bournemouth, and I start in Septemeber...
I cannot wait!!!!! I still cant believe its me. The same girl who was too afraid to leave her flat, who's voice disapeared when she tried to talk, and who didnt dare look up from the ground if she was out for fear of being visible.
Its so good to have some really good exciting news, i have so much to look forward to now. I also have some very very sad news.
I still cant really talk about without crying. Willie, you might want to grab some tissues.
My boys, my gorgeous Bernies, who brought me so much happiness and who I loved and will love forever...they're not with me anymore.
I was struggling for money, I was struggling with M.E. I was struggling to keep on top of housework, and they liked to make a lot more mess. They got so big! I think they needed more space, a chance to explore the outside world. And then they got fleas when we went to the vets, and let me tell you that was terrible. It got out of control and was driving me crazy. And driving my poor cats crazy.
It was the hardest decision, to give up my babies. I did it because I love them. I miss them soo much.
They are at Kingston Maurward cattery, waiting to be rehomed, I pray together because they are brothers and have always been together.
Home still doesnt feel right without them. But I know when I start college, I will be out most of the day 5 days a week, and cats are a huge committment.
The day before they went, we stayed up all night cuddled up together, Bert on my chest, blinking at me lovingly, Ernie rolled over with his legs in the air and purring like a tractor.
It was awful saying goodbye. It was awful seeing them fight so hard not to be put in a box. its like they knew. I tried to reassure them, to tell them it would be ok. I really hope they are ok.
All I want now is for them to go to a home where they will be loved as much as I loved them. If anyone is interested, please please go to the website. It doesnt do them justice, but I promise they are the loviest boys who will give you so much comfort and affection.
Anyway, thats all I can say, because now I am crying. and theres no need for that because really, I am happy.
21 tomorrow, the start of a new beginning. The end of some teenage years and early adulthood that shouldnt have been as hard as they were, but have set me up to fight anything in life.
I've stll got a way to go. But I am getting there,..wherever there may be.
I am so grateful for the lovely family that I have, my beautiful friends, and the support that Ive had a long the way.
Tomorrow I am celebrating in style. Thats with my fellow nutters at the Funny farm, then the artists at the srt group, then seeing my mum....and finally my friends in bridport where I grew up, a folk music gig and a couple of drinks.
Yes I still have M.e, which means I am usually exhausted after 7pm...but tomorrow Im pretending that doesnt exist and just gonna have a good time.
I dont know when I will next be writing in Lauras Locket. Probably when I next have a meltdown and need somewgere to let go.
Thank you anyone who's been reading, Jeff, Mum, Hollie, Willie. This blog was the start of me rebuilding my life, it is special to me and will always be a reminder that I am strong.
I am a survivor.
Tomorrrow Im a grown up....oh Jeez.
Looking forward to the future.
Peace, Shalom, all things lovely
Laura xxxx
http://www.westdorsetrspca.org/cats_in_need_of_homes.htm
