Outward, Inward

Not being carried away by the thought stream, just sitting on the bank.

I went out today to see some special people. I walked into town and felt the cold breeze against my face. I saw the wind blowing through the trees.

Awareness that focuses entirely inward, into the mind, the spirit and the self, while failing to give due attention to the wonders of the nature of the universe , is merely a partial experience. 

To travel onwards we need to go joyfully out into the world as well as deep into the recess of our being.

Wise words that happen to be next to me in my dexk of wise words.

The Artist

Havnt blogged in a while, brain hasbeen waaaay too sloppy.

Started the New year with all good intentions telling myself if i want to be better i can make myself better...came to the hard realisation that sometimes no matter how hard you want to be different you cant always keep whats really there away.

So I could feel it coming,that horribble drowning feeling before getting sallowed by emptiness. I probably felt the early pangs of it about the start of December,but decided to keep myself busy to keep it all at bay, but then soo exhausted...my head got all shouty and the voices started bickering and my head thoughts started to fuzzle and i felt a lot of panic.

Hibernated for a bit. Jumped every time the phone rang, Switched off phone. Just me, 2 kitties, paintbrushes coffee and cavasases. Had an Art Attack.

Have been tortured all week by the voice that says im so selfish for locking myself in and i should be going out and why am i so stupid and what sort of person is afraid of the phone ringing and everyone must be cross at me for how i am andddd.....but stayed in anyway and feel a lot better now.

Had human contact yesterday with Wise Hollie, so I know that Im still real.
Continued the art attck onto her bedroom wall...now a lovely spiral of tester pot colours.

I know its probably strange to feel like this... but I think sometimes i neeeed to switch everything off and just paint.

At other times I need to write.

Sometimes I cant do either. But my brain is doing both in my head. Blah blah blah...

Dont know what im on about now.

Meow meow

Oh God i think i have gone crazy...
But i think its jst called being a creative individual. My creativity is the bane of my life. I.cannot/.sit.still..unelss..im doing///somethinhg n sometimes im too tired but head is just like rar rar rar.

Constantly feeling guilty for not bein like the rest of society telling myself i ought to have a job and i should get out more....but then i thought...its my life and i keep trying to fight being a floaty cat lady who doesnt offer the world much apart from some words or squiggles...Im just one tiny speck in the whole universe. Just like you.

And who is anyone else to make a judgement of your life?

So Im just trying to accept that I am me and this is how i am and its ok. Ok?

im sorry for any inconvernience.

Ok Im gonna go now.

oh and Ernie fell out the window toda it was terriffying but it did make me run outside to get him, andhe seems ok but a bit dopey im a bit worried i love him so much but i think he is ok :)

Ok bye

I should blog more regularly if I want to have a good blog...but I will just do it when I can. Which is more annoying to me that it could possibly be to anyone reading this. Because im always writing in my head.

This is getting weird, Im gonna go. Bye.

Rise & Shine

Bright and Cheery and a little sleepy waking up at 6am.
Have started the day with me cheerios as part of my New Years Resolutions plan to eat proper three meals a day. So far so good. Ive realised I can function much better with food in my tummy. Having sausage and mash tonight at my lovely friends Sue and Tracey's.

Gonna have a shower and go out, to the library to return my books which I hope are not overdue. Cant find my Library card, which is my favourite card since I can get more out the library than I can out of my bank account, because there are lots of books in the library and not so much money in my bank.

Must also not forget to go pick up my prescription...New Years resolution to take meds as prescribed nearly went out the window last night when run out of pills, luckily found the exact two right ones rolling round in my kitchen draw, and the other one under my pillow. So far so good.

Then I am seeing Chris my brain man, and not forgetting the completion of my 2011 reminiscence.

So far this morn have fed the kitties and gone back to bed and done some knitting. I am knitting a green and pink woolly head band. I wonder if anyone reading actually thinks i look like this: