Help me

I never thought it would get this bad, the depression that is… I never thought that I could cry this much, and I’ve spent the last week crying, so that’s saying something. There’s a big raw gaping hole where my heart should be.

Self-Harm

It's hard to remember how I feel before I cut. I think it starts with a feeling of being unsettled and unable to sit still. I wander aimlessly; everything seems out of focus. Everything passes over me and im trapped inside my head and everything outside is unreal. I don’t want to be trapped in here, my mind plays over images like a broken record player, my head swims with lies and humiliation and self hatred. I feel claustrophobic and it makes me panic because I cant escape.

Once im there inside my head I cant get far enough out to interact with anyone else. I hurt inside. I run out of patience - the idea of talking about what’s wrong is absurd. I feel a burning need to alleviate the pressure before something out of my control happens. I cannot let myself be out of control.
When I cut it’s a relief. A release of pressure like when you let go of a balloon to stop it bursting. Only the pressure is the pain in my head, driving me over the edge. I have to cut all the pain away so I can escape what’s inside of me.
If I cut or burn or bruise or starve myself, it’s not because I want to die, it’s just a survival method to get me through the day. Its not to die, its to stay alive.
I wish there was an off button for these feelings of depression. It must be hard for anyone who has never experienced it to understand, but it doesn’t matter how hard I try, Sometimes, I JUST CAN’T SHAKE IT OFF.

Gave up a bit...

My feelings change like the wind, and mostly I cant even tell them apart.
Hit an all time low last week. Didn’t go to college, didn’t get out of bed for 3 days, didn’t eat. Stole some alcohol from the cupboard and drank that instead.
When I got up, I took loads of tablets out the cupboard, and have stashed them in my room – just in case I need them. I took the dog for a walk and thought of standing in the road, waiting for a car to come around the corner. Some even worse thoughts came into my head... I don’t know where they came from... I can’t even bare to write them.
I felt so low, and I felt so frightened. I’m not me anymore. I don’t even recognise myself. I wonder if I will ever be normal, or ever be sure of what I’m actually feeling. I am still waiting for the day where I wake up and don’t feel that there is the whole world clogging up my head. I want to be free, but I think I am LOST.